Douchey McDoucheavitch

Just Because: Country Breakfast Getting a Country Beatdown

2010-11-22T16:12:00.000-05:00

Question: What happens when a (used-to-be) unstoppable force meets an highly motivated and totally fucking psyched immovable object? The former gets the shit kicked out of him in :21, sees his hopes and dreams of some day holding a UFC title again completely destroyed and wakes up in front of thousands of people and asks, quite simply, "What happened?"

Ah, the sweet smell of humility.

The best GIF you'll ever lay your eyes on is after the jump. War Penn.

Did She Dried?

2010-11-22T15:27:00.000-05:00

The above title was lifted from the comments section for the video you're about to watch, and the only reason I use it (other than it being the only humorous play on the annoying-as-fuck meme "did he died") is because I'm tired as hell and in no mood whatsoever to try and come up with something catchy on my own.

But, hey, whatever right? If millions of douche bags can steal (and beat to death) some other illiterate asshole's attempt at humor then why can't I steal some nameless 'net troll's attempt at being ironic?

And speaking of irony, how many of you out there have drank to the point of stupification (yeah, I made that shit up) and actually thought that mashing yourself into a clothes dryer seemed like a good idea? Really? You have? Well then you have something in common with this silly broad.

Ironic, eh? Video after the jump.

Eye Candy: Rumor WIllis' Big Ass In Tights

2010-11-22T13:11:00.002-05:00

You know, as busted as this broad's face is I have to say that her ass stuffed into those tights has my ding-dong going all action-adventure while shouting "Yippee Ki-Yay Motherfucker!" And for those trying to paint a mental picture of my man-junk going action-adventure inside my pants, think the opening explosion in Die Hard With a Vengeance and you're about halfway there. Either that or stop thinking about my package all together. Freak.

For the rest of the series click here, and marvel at how an ass that scrumptious can belong on a body that also houses such an incongruous gob.

Lindsey Vonn Has the "Instinct" For Smokin' Hot Magazine Shoots

2010-11-19T08:52:00.003-05:00

Most of you know Lindsey Vonn as the first American woman to win the gold medal in the downhill at the 2010 Winter Olympics (and if you didn't before you do now, ya knucklehead). Some of you might also know her as the girl that broke your heart, but that was back in high school when you were all awkward and didn't know how to talk to girls. Seriously dude, don't blame yourself.

Well thanks to ESPN The Magazine after today you'll also know Little Miss Vonn as the girl who took Sharon Stone's iconic role in Basic Instinct, wrapped it in a dynamite coat, blew it the fuck up and then stomped all over the resulting carnage. And yes, she even shows us the money shot (albeit inadvertently and while wearing some pretty white panties).

Super-duper sexy behind-the-scenes video with said panty shot is after the jump, and please do everyone a favor and try not to get any on yourself. Pervert.

Eye Candy: Aida Yespica Topless On the Beach

2010-11-18T14:51:00.001-05:00

According to Aida Yespica's Wiki page this yummy looking tart began her career (read: started making an obscene amount of money off mom and dad's genes) representing the state of Amazonas in the Miss Venezuela pageant back in 2002. She then went on to achieve cover girl status for mags like GQ and Maxim, but all of that shit pales in comparison to her appearance on the Italian version of Celebrity Survivor.

But fuck it, you don't care about any of that. You want to see some boobage, which you can find after the jump. Obviously these shots are totally NSFW.

Julie Bowen's Twins Are Hungry; Why Not Post It On the Internet

2010-11-18T10:10:00.003-05:00

I'm torn between being jealous of a couple of boob suckers and being a little disgusted that this broad felt the need to post this shit on the Internet. I'd actually be pissed if this wasn't such a blatant attempt at garnering some e-attention (or ettention; go ahead and use it on your friends). Nice rack though. Kind of NSFW image after the hump. . .I mean jump.

Ho-Ho-Holy Shit, How Did I Wake Up With My Pants Down?

2010-11-18T09:24:00.002-05:00

Jesus Harold Christ, can you believe Christmas is right around the corner? It seems like just yesterday I was snapping shots of unsuspecting women sunbathing in their backyards. My, how time flies.

(NOTE: If you're ever in a position where you think getting just a little bit closer to a half-conscious, half naked girl is worth it to "get a better angle," do yourself a favor and stay put. For some reason hovering over a bikini-clad babe while snapping pictures of her ass is frowned upon by pretty much everyone. Who knew neighborhood watch was a real thing?)

Anyway, here we are once again, when the kids are even more obnoxious and your alcoholic parents make even bigger assholes of themselves. Thanks Budweiser!

And speaking of obnoxious alcoholics, check out the Santa impersonator below. Seems like the ol' Christmas "cheer" was imbibed quite liberally at the North Pole this year. Either that or The Grinch spiked Mr. Claus' eggnog, which, as we all know, The Grinch is apt to do. Last year I caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

At least I think it was him. The Grinch is black right? Video after the jumpety-jump-jump, jumpety-jump.

"Comedy" Is In the Eye of the Beholder

2010-11-17T09:07:00.001-05:00

Every day -- I'm not kidding here. Every. Fucking. Day. -- someone does something so inherently stupid in my general vicinity that one can't help but stare in slack-jawed silence. Case in point: This dickhead. Apparently this took place in an Apple store, and while I'm sure dude is simply trying to be funny and score some kind of reaction from onlookers for the most part everyone just keeps their distance, presumably out of fear that if they stepped in and told him to knock off the nonsense they'd feel the wrath of four days worth of meth tweak.

My favorite part? It's at the 4:00 mark when the spawn of Shrek walks up and simply stares at Tweeky McTweekerson as if to say "Dude, my sense of humor is as underdeveloped as your brain, and even I don't find this shit funny."

Comedy is supposed to be funny. This, my friends, isn't it. Video after the jump.

Life Lesson #572: You Just Can't Teach Class

2010-11-17T08:17:00.001-05:00

I don't know what's more disgusting, that walking piece of white trash pissing all over the floor or Hop-Along Joe giving it the ol' dip-n-sniff. And then, on top of everything else, the bitch actually tries to deny it. Hey honey, allow me to let you in on a little secret. They have these things nowadays called security cameras, and while they're mostly used to thwart would-be robbers and after-hours sticky fingers, they can also be used to catch nasty twats like yourself giving the carpeting in a cell phone store a golden shower. That's right, walk out. Because now, thanks to said video camera the entire world will know what a puke-inducing sack of shit you are. People don't forget, and once you're stuck inside the Interwebs baby, you're stuck inside this unforgiving bitch forever.

Totally NSFW video is after the jizzump.

Retarded Game Garners Even More Retarded Reaction

2010-11-16T09:07:00.000-05:00

Listen guys (and some gals), if you get so into a video game that after losing your only recourse is to smash your ridiculously expensive television then it's time to open the shades a bit, stretch your atrophied limbs and shamble your silly ass back into the land of the living. Look! There's an entire world out there that doesn't revolve around high score combos and +Dmg. I know, amazing isn't it? And here's the point to remember: If you stick around long enough you might even acquire real friends with real personalities. Oh, and girls. Don't forget the girls. No, you inept jackass, I'm not talking about these kind of girls. I'm talking about the kind of girls who don't find Call of Duty: Black Ops and a meat lovers pizza the perfect date.

Trust me Mulder, they are out there. Believe.

"A" For Effort, "F" For Totally Fucking Useless

2010-11-16T08:31:00.001-05:00

I know it's been a while since I graced you all with my presence, but between moving for the quadrillionth (?) time in 10 years and teaching indigent septuagenarians how to crochet their own diapers I've been busier than Robert Downey, Jr. at a frat party. Yes, that busy. But alas I have returned to force feed you all with the sort of mindless nonsense you've all come to know and love -- people doing dumb shit and girls dressed in skimpy clothes. Oh yes ladies and gentlemen, it's party time.

Now I know I'm brash sometimes and the words I sling around aren't for everyone, but when you spend as much time as I have being exposed to and ultimately judging the general dumbfuckery going on in this spinning cesspool we call Earth you develop a certain level of disdain for pretty much everyone around you. Hell, even my immediate family isn't safe.

But enough of this getting reacquainted shit. It's time to get down to business, and what better way to kick things off than by watching the following douche bag attempt what can only be described as a bitch move and fail. Miserably. It's good to be back dickheads.

Bag, Meet Bag

2010-06-19T20:37:00.000-04:00

I don't even need to comment on this video clip. Just kick back and let the funny force fuck your eyeballs. Seriously, don't fight it; you're going to love it.

Later, War Machine

2010-06-19T09:44:00.001-04:00

The uber-douche known around the MMA world as War Machine -- that's his real name by the way; he had it legally changed from Jon Koppenhaver -- is going to be kicking back for about a year in the county jail for his involvement in the above video, and all I can say about that is: It's not enough time.

This guy is beyond a menace, and were it not for the fact that he's a trained mixed martial artist his entire existence would be about as useful as your fucking appendix. He was kicked out of the UFC for talking shit about the death of fellow UFC fighter Evan Tanner, he tried his, uh, hand in the porn business before attacking his fellow porn "actors" during a party, and got arrested on another occasion for his involvement in a brawl inside a gay nightclub. Yeah, he's a total fucking tool.

Said Machine -- Christ, I can barely bring myself to type that -- on his Twitter feed about his time off from life:

"Weak! Looks like Ill be doing a year in San Diego County jail. Prolly gonna go in about 2 weeks..ugh. Gonna be SO boring! No delicious food, no training, no wifee, no friends. Whatever tho when I get out my partners and I will be opening our sick gym in Austin Texas and Ill be righ back to fighting. Jail is DUMB. All it does is press the PAUSE button on your life. What's it supposed to teach you? Anyway, who knows some bad ass books I should read!?"

So what's this guy's deal? Is it because he didn't get enough hugs as a child? Does he have some chemical imbalance in his brain that causes him to act out in totally inappropriate manners? Or is it because a chimp mistook his head for a football and tried to fuck it?

Who knows, and honestly who cares? Get rid of this jackass before he does something that can't be undone. One year for being a savage? And to think there are people serving more time than that for selling a plant that makes you feel good.

Amy Winehouse Is a Filthy-Looking Bitch. . .

2010-06-17T18:58:00.000-04:00

. . .but I bet she gives some killer gob. I mean come on, look at her. No girl can look that fucking horrifying without compensating with some hidden talent or another, and considering she's been pricked (tee-hee) with more needles than a pin cushion her box is probably dryer than the Sahara. Banging that shit would be like beating off with 10-grit sandpaper.

I "Saw" a Big, Flapping Douche Bag

2010-06-17T18:14:00.001-04:00

Jesus Christ on a ten-speed. . .uh, tricycle. Not only did this dickhead spoof one of the lamest horror movie franchises to ever come burping out of Hollywood's gaping maw but he clearly let one of his "friends" get to that thing before he did.

That shit had "preconceived setup" written all over it.

Eye Candy: More Kim Kardashian Bikini Goodness (Now With Ass Crack!)

2010-06-13T09:27:00.002-04:00

Not Mad Skillz Yo

2010-06-12T18:22:00.000-04:00

This knucklehead just might be the most poetically gifted sum-bitch I've ever had the pleasure of listening to.

You know, for a mentally handicapped hood rat that bears more than a striking resemblance to LL Cool J.

Really man? Your penis is kind of small? She's mad because she caught you fucking her dad? Why not just go one small step further and let the entire world know that you also like sewing and piss while sitting down.

Front runner for douche bag of 2010? Methinks so.

Stanley Cup Parade Turns Into Grand Theft Auto

2010-06-12T10:12:00.000-04:00

First and foremost let me just preface this by saying I live in Michigan and am a fervent Red Wings fan, so fuck Chicago. Seriously, right in their collective asses. You better live it up now, because you have another four decades or so to wait for another one.

With that being said what you're looking at above is the Stanley Cup parade all the bandwagon jumpers skipped work to attend. It's all party-hardy and revelry until the boys in blue decide policing drunk and disorderly Chicagoans just isn't enough fun and take to mowing them down on All Terrain Vehicles. The kicker? In all the excitement one overzealous oinker plows into one of his own.

Man -- or in this case woman -- down. What a fucking idiot.

Eye Candy: Kim Kardashian In a Bikini

2010-06-12T10:01:00.000-04:00

This broad is Paris Hilton with tits, but as long as she kept her mouth shut and was up for all manner of sexually deviant behavior -- for some reason donkey punch comes to mind -- then she'd be allowed to sleep in my room.

On the floor of course, but I'd be a gentleman and let her use a pillow.

Eye Candy: Kate Gosselin's Yummy Milk Bags

2010-06-11T20:11:00.000-04:00

She may dance like an epileptic giraffe and makes a shit-ton of money by generally being a nuisance, but I'll be dipped in shit and set on fire if this woman doesn't have one of the most luscious racks this side of Lindsay Lohan. Go ahead, lie your ass off and say you wouldn't.

Dumb Ass Kid Uses Head As Brakes

2010-06-10T10:17:00.000-04:00

Let this be a lesson to you boys and girls: If a friend asks you if he should dial 911, never under any circumstances try to voice your opinion by blowing spit bubbles. It's hard to understand and most of us don't speak splat.

Either that or just wear a fucking helmet. Kind of makes sense, eh?

Giving New Meaning to the Term "Ass Face."

2010-06-09T20:04:00.000-04:00

I. Have. No. Words.

And the sad part is these people actually used their fucking brains and came up with the idea. Mankind is doomed.

Fatty Can't Fly

2010-06-05T19:11:00.000-04:00

I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the SPLAT!

Skank-A-Saurus Is Attacking the City

2010-04-08T10:09:00.000-04:00

*shivers*

This is what haunts my nightmares. At least it will now. Jesus, what a nasty bitch. I bet she wipes her ass back-to-front.

Eye Candy: Sophie Monk All Kinds of Nip-Tastic

2010-04-08T10:06:00.000-04:00

In my next life I want to be a bikini. But not one that belong to a fatty. Fatties are gross.

He Didn't Need That Kidney Anyway

2010-04-08T09:53:00.001-04:00

Listen, I have a confession to make. I think most people are fucking idiots. Seriously, I have nothing good to say about most of you. People willingly subject themselves to the most ridiculous shit possible and they never seem to learn a lesson. Case in point:

You'd think this stupid ass kid would have realized that attempting a stunt he was clearly ill-prepared to perform was a tad on the dumb side, but as you saw in the above video -- not to mention the plethora of clips currently bouncing around the millions of email boxes around the Internet -- brains are certainly not a pre-requisite to strapping on a pair or roller-blades.

I hope it hurt, and if it didn't I eagerly volunteer to help make it hurt next time.

With a bat.

Have a Nice Trip

2010-04-01T09:53:00.000-04:00

Hey, at least my man got on TV. Some people try their whole lives to get on camera and never make it.

You'll Get Better Results With Multiple Reps Guys

2010-03-23T15:29:00.002-04:00

I've never been much of a fitness goon -- my idea of exercise is trying to keep up with my girlfriend while she shops for the best bargains at the mall -- but I'm pretty sure you're supposed to bang out multiple reps for the most promising results boys and girls.

Then again maybe this is some kind of new shit these two dreamed up. Maybe this is something so fucking cool we don't even know it yet. They could be filming the newest sensation in workout videos and we could all be sitting here laughing our asses off at a couple of millionaires in the making. Seriously, this shit could be workout gold. You know, do one sit-up, crash to the floor and see who expends the most energy -- not to mention burns the most calories -- getting back to their feet.

Package it, slap a stupid name on it and start selling it to all the fat housewives that actually fork over their rich husbands' money for those ridiculous workout videos in the first place. Seriously, if you told them it would help them lose that humongous shitter of theirs they'd eat chalk.

Eye Candy: Victoria Silvstedt In a Skimpy Bikini

2010-03-23T10:33:00.000-04:00

Victoria Silvstedt is yummy. So is her friend. That is all.

Big Boy Go Boom

2010-03-23T09:44:00.000-04:00

>
Funny. Hilarious. Great. These are just a few of the words that flash through my brain when watching the above clip. Want some more? How about douche. Stupid. Total fucking moron. No more eyebrows. I could go on with the descriptives all day long. Do I have to? Of course not. A clip this pants-shittingly funny needs no description. It needs no introduction. Simply kick back and let the comedy molest your retinas.

Oh stop; you love it.

Just Because: What a Broken Ankle Looks Like

2010-03-22T10:24:00.000-04:00

This little bit of nastiness happened last night when Darren Elkins went for a double-leg take-down on Duane Ludwig during their UFC on Versus bout. When Ludwig tried to stuff the attempt the two fighters fell in a heap, and the above shot was the result. Ouch, eh? Elkins had this to say to UFC.com after the fight:

"I felt him tap so I knew something was wrong. Then I seen on the big screen that his leg was snapped. It sucks to win a fight like this. I wanted to put on a show. It's an unfortunate event but these things happen in fighting all the time."

Apparently the injury could be career-ending, which probably hurts more than the injury itself. Back to the drawing board for Ludwig.

On No He Didn't

2010-03-22T09:49:00.000-04:00

Oh yes he did. He even went with the deck shoes to help complete the picture.

I bet he has to beat the women off with a stick.

You Forgot to Smile

2010-03-22T09:47:00.000-04:00

Do you think these three aren't smiling because they're trying to look cool or because just before the shot was snapped they realized just how fucking ridiculous they looked? The only thing this picture needs is some greased up, popped collar douche bag and it would be complete.

Eye Candy: Vida Guerra's Birthday Rack

2010-03-22T09:41:00.000-04:00

She's a butterface in the classic sense of the word, but with a set like that does it really matter?

I mean pillow cases aren't just for pillows if you know what I mean.

Sick World

2010-03-22T09:37:00.000-04:00

Sadly this doesn't even surprise me anymore.

Teeth Are Highly Overrated Anyway Hun

2010-03-22T09:24:00.001-04:00

>
Let's be perfectly honest here; she probably would have lost them in a few years anyway. I mean one can only smoke that shit for so long before it breaks down the enamel in the teeth, so when you think about it she was just getting a jump on what the crack would have eventually done. She's a forward thinker.

Just Because: Cam Janssen vs. Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond Goes For Over 2 Minutes

2010-03-21T10:50:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been in a fight that went longer than 30 seconds? Hell, have you ever been in a wrestling match with your brother or best friend that went longer than 30 seconds? It's a fucking nightmare for the cardiovascular system with all that tussling and jockeying for position. At the end of it all you're out of breath, sweating profusely and -- depending on your possible state of inebriation -- in need of a good yack. It's enough to make you tired just thinking about it.

Add about ten pounds of hockey equipment, some ice skates, thousands of screaming fans and a running time of over two minutes and you get the following video. Kind of adds a new element to the whole "Shit, I'm tired!" aspect don't you think?

Eye Candy: Looking Down On Hayden Panettiere

2010-03-21T10:29:00.001-04:00

Her brand of acting makes Jennifer Aniston look like an Oscar contender, but you have to give Hayden Panettiere credit: She pulls off that dwarf-with-a-nice-rack thing quite well.

Just Because: Jon Jones Gets In Brandon Vera's Face @ UFC On Versus Weigh-In

2010-03-21T10:19:00.000-04:00

Whether you're a fan of mixed martial arts or not even you can see there were two completely different caliber of fighters that showed up for the weigh-ins as the UFC gets set to brings its own special brand of stylized violence to Versus tonight.

See how Jones gets all up in Vera's face, as if to say "Look bitch, shit's about to get real and I'm all about true crime." And see how Vera tries to back him off as if to say "Look man, I'm only in this for the money. Take it easy and try not to destroy my cheekbones."

Said Jones about the encounter:

"I just really don't like Brandon as a person. I just think he's disrespectful. I think he's arrogant. I think he's full of himself...I guess I let his arrogance get under my skin a little bit. It's just a learning experience. In the future I'll deal with talkers better."

Jones wants this win. Vera? Vera just wants to get out of the cage with his nose in the same place.

The White Trash Wonder Is On the Move

2010-03-20T10:59:00.001-04:00

You have to love how the woman in pics 5 and 6 actually took time out of her busy day of carting her snotty, over-privileged kids around to catch what in her mind must be the equivalent to a sighting of Big Foot or the Loch Ness Monster.

Seriously lady, if you knew Britney Spears probably wanted nothing more than to see that overpriced lease you're driving plummet to the depths of the ocean with yourself and the aforementioned brats flailing for survival would you still give a shit? I mean come on, she's a human being, and she isn't really a particularly interesting one at that. Sure, she dresses like a blind homeless woman and has a tit job that resembles a googly-eyed kids toy, but take away that ridiculous outfit and the broiling, bubbling psychosis and she's just like you and I.

In other words knock of the nonsense. It's late and there's a PTA meeting eagerly anticipating your arrival.

The Friday Ker-Plunk

2010-03-19T18:20:00.000-04:00

They the Realist

2010-03-19T17:50:00.001-04:00

Want to know what the really sad part is? It's that these three knuckle-dragging skims probably score more trim than Home-fucking-Depot. Not because they're actually "pimp" or "dope" or whatever other ridiculous adjective they bandy about amongst each other, but because when women are in their presence they're so stupefied by what they're seeing that their brains automatically shut down to help preserve some level of sanity and the three pocket pirates above are allowed to simply have their way with them.

Granted, the experience usually only lasts a paltry 1-to-3 minutes, but as they say in the Navy: It only takes a few small drops of oil to contaminate an entire ship's fresh water supply. Or some shit like that. The point is the depths to which the above douchebaggery reaches is unfathomable.

Absolute Jackass + Gas = Good For Us

2010-03-19T17:21:00.000-04:00

>
For fuck sake. I'm not even going to get into it about this dickhead. It's too late on a Friday afternoon and I have shit to do. What I will say is this douche bag is the poster child for the pro-abortion lobby.

And if not that then at the very least the "His Father Should Have Pulled Out" lobby, to which I'm an ardent supporter and lifelong donation-giver.

Oh, and nice friends there Flash. Maybe for your next stunt you could just have them fire bottle rockets and Roman candles at you as you jump up and down on a pogo stick. Now there's some entertainment.

Eye Candy: Some Stephanie Seymour Nip-Tastic Bikini Shots

2010-03-19T17:10:00.000-04:00

Sure, Stephanie Seymour's ass looks like someone went at it with a fucking meat tenderizer, but show me one man out there who wouldn't drop trou and plug away at it if given the chance and I'll show you a man that actually enjoys watching Sex and the City.

And if you need me to explain myself then you're probably that man.

You Have Got to Be Kidding Me

2010-03-12T14:12:00.002-05:00

>
Some people are undoubtedly going to see this video and feel sorry for this broad. Not I. You see, this ridiculous waste of space did that to herself, so the only ones I feel sorry for are the people who are footing the bill while she sits on her plump ass and collects public assistance. Call me an asshole, call me an uncaring son of a bitch, or call me a piece of shit. But don't, for the love of god, call me to help lift this woman when she keels the fuck over and dies.

Next Time Use a Little Less Weight Tough Guy

2010-03-12T11:09:00.001-05:00

I know it's not nice to laugh at people but I'm still wiping the tears from my eyes after watching Arnold Ham-N-Egger here dust his own jaw with that pull-down bar.

Let this be a lesson to everyone; whenever you start a workout make sure to check all wires and pulleys, otherwise you're sure to end up like this choad. Either that or don't fucking record yourself doing it.

Better safe than sorry, eh?

The Friday Ker-Plunk

2010-03-12T10:58:00.002-05:00

Reporter Gets Pissy On Live TV

2010-03-11T09:04:00.000-05:00

Technical Difficulties On Live Newscast - Watch more Funny Videos
You know, it really cracks me up when reporters get all bent out of shape. I mean what do they have to be miserable about? They stand in front of a camera and read cue cards ferchrisakes! I would understand if they actually had to do some real work and it didn't exactly come off as planned, but dude in that video above is probably doing his job in a pair of fucking shorts. Try working in a factory Mr. Pissy Pants. Or busting your ass in a warehouse for minimum wage. How about taking care of five unruly kids with no help at all.

Seems to me you have it pretty easy there dickhead, so next time you feel the need to make yourself look like a total jackass -- on live television no less -- why not take a moment and think about all of the hard-working people out there who don't get paid thousands of dollars a week and actually have a reason to throw a temper tantrum.

Eye Candy: Just Some Random Cuties

2010-03-11T08:40:00.000-05:00

If you're looking for more cuties just like these then click on over here.

Just Because: Andrew Raycroft Should Be In Jail Right Now

2010-03-11T08:05:00.001-05:00

Listen folks, there's a difference between robbing a guy and making him look so silly his soul is ripped from his chest, mashed into a hamburger-type patty and cooked on the grill that is his own embarrassment.

Andrew Raycroft -- the 2004 Calder Trophy winner -- rudely introduced Lee Stempniak to the latter method last Saturday night. Save of the Year contender? Ab-so-fucking-lutely.

Just Because: Shannon Rich Plays Some Sweet Chin Music

2010-03-10T10:26:00.002-05:00

If you're going to go out in a mere 15 seconds you might as well go out in style, and nothing says "posh" quite like catching a superkick to the mush.

For the record this happened at Shark Fights 2 in December of 2008. Why are we just hearing about it now? Who knows, but it's better late than. . .eh, fuck it. You know the rest.

Four of a Kind = Lots of Douchebaggery

2010-03-10T10:08:00.004-05:00

"Aw yeah dog, we be kickin' back and slammin' dem 40's when shiiiit, out pops my moms and tells us to hit the bricks. Damn yo, why she be hatin' so much? My boys and me can't be doggin' dem shorties without a place to kick it."

"Come on ya'll. I have a couch in the garage."

Eye Candy: Hilary Swank Dolled Up and Low Cut

2010-03-10T09:56:00.000-05:00

Weird Shit of the Day: Man Marries Pillow

2010-03-10T09:52:00.000-05:00

I'm so totally not kidding. This guy married his fucking pillow. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, but the fact of the matter is he really did it. He. Married. A. Pillow. Granted, it had a picture of a real woman's face on it, but I just can't wrap my head around the fact that he married something that most sane people use to comfortably prop their heads up with when they sleep. Have a gander:

True love can take many forms. In this case, it has taken the form of a Korean man falling in love with, and eventually marrying, a large pillow with a picture of a woman on it.

Lee Jin-gyu fell for his 'dakimakura' - a kind of large, huggable pillow from Japan, often with a picture of a popular anime character printed on the side.

In Lee's case, his beloved pillow has an image of Fate Te More..starossa, from the 'magical girl' anime series Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha.

Now the 28-year-old otaku (a Japanese term that roughly translates to somewhere between 'obsessive' and 'nerd') has wed the pillow in a special ceremony, after fitting it out with a wedding dress for the service in front of a local priest. Their nuptials were eagerly chronicled by the local media.

'He is completely obsessed with this pillow and takes it everywhere,' said one friend.

'They go out to the park or the funfair where it will go on all the rides with him. Then when he goes out to eat he takes it with him and it gets its own seat and its own meal,' they added.

The pillow marriage is not the first similarly-themed unusual marriage in recent times - it comes after a Japanese otaku married his virtual girlfriend Nene Anegasaki, a character who only exists in the Nintendo DS game Love Plus, last November.

I'm not even going to comment on this ridiculous nonsense; just read the story above and let the weird molest your gray matter.

Lucky Bastard Nearly Ventilates His Own Head w/ .50 Cal. Ricochet

2010-03-10T09:39:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had one of those moments where you were pretty sure you were just seconds and/or millimeters from death or serious injury, only to walk away with nary a scratch? You know, those times when you say to yourself "Wow, I so almost lost my shit just now?" Yeah, well, this guy has that beat by a full pant load. No? Check it out:

Now there are close calls and then there are moments where The Purveyor of the Afterlife came so close you could actually smell his rotten breath. This, my friends, was one of those times.

And just as an aside who the fuck shoots a .50 cal. at such close range? Aren't those things meant to blow shit apart from well over a mile away or something? And where's his cover?

You're Supposed to Stay Upright Alexander

2010-03-09T12:08:00.002-05:00

Most of the time Washington Capitals star right-winger Alexander Semin is an offensive force. As I write this he boasts 30 goals and 37 assists, and if you asked any goalie in the NHL if they'd want to see him one-on-one in a shootout the vast majority of them would answer in the negative. But then he had to go and pull this shit:

He's never going to live that one down, especially when you consider he's expected to score that goal. Granted, he might not have scored had he not tripped and done a header into the boards, but at least he wouldn't have looked like he was auditioning for the remake of Slap Shot.

Really Dude? I Mean Really!?

2010-03-09T10:22:00.006-05:00

Jesus Christ hitting on a one-eyed dike, can this guy get any more self-involved? I would bet money that Choad the Wet Sprocket here makes out with himself in the mirror on a daily basis, and were it not for the fact that still images are exactly that we'd all be treated to a tongue session the likes of which haven't been seen since Not Another Teen Movie.

Funny flick that.

Eye Candy: Some Cindy Margolis Cleavage Action

2010-03-09T10:16:00.000-05:00

You know, after thinking about that title -- Some Cindy Margolis Cleavage Action -- it suddenly struck me as a little redundant. I mean come on, have you ever seen a shot of Cindy Margolis when she wasn't falling out of her top? Maybe a more appropriate heading would have been Cindy Margolis Heads Out In An Outfit Typical of Someone With No Redeeming Qualities Other Than a Swollen Chest.

Kind of long though, eh?

Would You Hit It?

2010-03-09T10:01:00.001-05:00

I bet you would given enough booze and/or psychotropic substances.

Then again maybe you would even while stone cold sober, in which case you're just a fucking weirdo.

"I Told You Once"

2010-03-09T09:43:00.006-05:00

Apparently this cop isn't one to repeat himself, especially to a cuffed and incapacitated suspect who wasn't aware that he'd somehow been transported back to the 1800's where cops would much rather kick the shit out of you than tell you -- for a second time -- not to kick the window.

One thing's for sure; this guy will probably keep his feet on the floor from now on.

Just Because: Miguel Torres' Forehead Vagina

2010-03-08T10:07:00.004-05:00

This little bit of nastiness happened on Saturday night at WEC 47 when Joseph Benavidez opened up a geyser on Miguel Torres' forehead before ending his night with a guillotine choke. Nice eh?

A view of the inside of Torres' forehead -- as well as the stitched up aftermath -- is after the jump, so if you're eating -- or are thinking about eating within the next couple of hours or so -- or sitting in your cubicle at work then I highly suggest giving it a little time and then coming back later. Seriously, shit ain't pretty yo.

Eye Candy: Belen Rodriguez In a Tiny Thong Bikini

2010-03-08T09:49:00.000-05:00

Stay Classy Baby

2010-03-08T09:47:00.000-05:00

Ten bucks to the person that comes up with the best caption for this photo. Seriously.

You Are a Bad, Bad Man

2010-03-08T09:44:00.000-05:00

I don't know what the hell is going on in this picture, but rest assured it isn't taking place anywhere in the United States. If it was you can bet your sweet little ass that someone somewhere would have overreacted and placed a phone call or two to their local Fox of CNN affiliate.

Just Because: If This Was An Olympic Sport. . .

2010-03-08T09:36:00.000-05:00

. . .people might have actually watched.

Elinor Burkett Is a Mouthy Twat

2010-03-08T09:29:00.001-05:00

So here's the setup:

Music by Prudence director Roger Ross Williams was in the middle of accepting his award for best documentary short when Burkett, one of the producers, hobbled onstage and began running her steak gummer about how she's a woman and women don't get enough credit for what they do in this world and her womanly bits were offended because a man stepped all over them and stole her award. Or something. I stopped watching as soon as I realized she was hijacking his speech with another 'women don't get the credit they deserve" rant. Seriously ladies, this is 2010. Are we still stuck in 1950? For fuck sake, you get to vote and all that good stuff. What else do you want?

It's All Fun and Games. . .

2010-03-08T09:18:00.003-05:00

. . .'til someone fucks around too long on a swing that wasn't meant for that and ends up wishing they had stayed in and watched Tyra instead.

The Friday Ker-Plunk

2010-03-05T09:03:00.002-05:00

Eye Candy: Brooke Hogan's Rubbermaid's In a Bikini

2010-03-05T08:56:00.001-05:00

Every Dork's Wet Dream

2010-03-05T08:52:00.003-05:00

Courtesy of my buddy over at Fat Kid At Camp.

Great 'Stache My Man

2010-03-05T08:51:00.000-05:00

I Don't Even Want to Know What He Does With That Gun

2010-03-05T08:50:00.003-05:00

The Bonehead Trifecta

2010-03-05T08:46:00.004-05:00

Dumb Ass + Treadmill + Bike = A Sanded Face

2010-03-05T08:43:00.002-05:00

Eye Candy: Kate Gosselin Looking Yummy

2010-03-04T09:55:00.002-05:00

She's annoying as hell and one of the biggest attention whores to ever invade our living rooms, but I have to admit that if she didn't open her mouth I'd probably give her number 9.

Sure, That Makes Sense

2010-03-04T09:49:00.004-05:00

In other news: Rapist Receives 30 Days of Community Service at Victoria's Secret, Man Convicted of Habitual Reckless Driving Ordered to Undergo Driver's Training and Neighborhood Watch Program Receives New Shutters.

Come back next week when we interview a woman who refuses to pay for a psychiatrist to help with her "personal issues" but spends hundreds of dollars a month at the tanning salon.

Religious Nutbags Want Whale Stoned To Death

2010-03-04T09:11:00.003-05:00

Every now and then a religious group pops up with something so ridiculous the general public -- read: the people that don't have their heads up their asses -- can't help but take notice. Case in point:

The American Family Association -- otherwise known as those creepy Jesus freaks -- want Tillikum stoned to death right along side the person who didn't stone it to death the first time it killed a human being. Yeah, I rolled my eyes as well. This ridiculous shit was taken from their blog:

"You are aware by now that a 12,000 pound killer whale at SeaWorld Orlando killed his trainer Dawn Brancheau yesterday by pulling her into a pool and dragging her around until she drowned, in front of a crowd of stunned guests.

Chalk another death up to animal rights insanity and to the ongoing failure of the West to take counsel on practical matters from the Scripture.

According to the Orlando Sentinel, "SeaWorld Orlando has always know that Tillikum...could be a particularly dangerous killer whale...because of his ominous history."

The Sentinel then recounts that Tilly, as he was affectionately known, had killed a trainer back in 1991 in front of spectators at a now defunct aquarium in Victoria, British Columbia.

Then in 1999 he killed a man who sneaked into SeaWorld to swim with the whales and was found the next morning draped dead across Tilly's back. His body had been bit and the killer whale had torn off his swimming trunks after he had died.

What about the term "killer whale" do SeaWorld officials not understand?

If the counsel of the Judeo-Christian tradition had been followed, Tillikum would have been put out of everyone's misery back in 1991 and would not have had the opportunity to claim two more human lives.

Says the ancient civil code of Israel, "When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable." (Exodus 21:28)

So, your animal kills somebody, your moral responsibility is to put that animal to death. You have no moral culpability in the death, because you didn't know the animal was going to go postal on somebody.

But, the Scripture soberly warns, if one of your animals kills a second time because you didn't kill it after it claimed its first human victim, this time you die right along with your animal. To use the example from Exodus, if your ox kills a second time, "the ox shall be stoned, and its owner also shall be put to death." (Exodus 21:29)

If I were the family of Dawn Brancheau, I'd sue the pants off SeaWorld for allowing this killer whale to kill again after they were well aware of its violent history.

SeaWorld is apparently, however, unrepentant. Chuck Thompson, its curator in charge of animal behavior, says Tilly continues to be "a valuable asset not only from a breeding standpoint but from a behavior standpoint, too." Chuck might want to ask Dawn's Mom what she thinks about that.

Thompson did add, helpfully, "I think we need to evaluate his behavior and everything that's happened up to this point." You're about 19 years too late, Chuck, and the blood of Dawn Brancheau is on your hands."

What the above nonsense fails to mention is that the dumb ass that wanted to "swim with the whales" actually broke into the enclosure in the middle of the night to swim with an animal he had absolutely no professional training with. The article also doesn't mention that whales are playful animals, and 12,000 pound behemoths just happen to play rough.

If that whale was able to talk I'm positive it would tell everyone that he wasn't being "malicious" or "evil" or any other superfluous adjective people have labeled him with, but was only trying to have some fun with his friends.

Then again maybe -- just maybe -- he didn't like being taken out of his natural habitat and made to do tricks for obnoxious throngs of people in the first place. Hell, if someone came and snatched me away from my home and forced me to do shit I was never intended for in the first place I'd have a bit of an attitude as well.

It was an accident. Accidents happen every day. We don't call for the death of someone when they're not paying attention and run a red light, accidentally killing a family of three. So why kill this animal? Because it's called a killer whale, so it must be a danger to all mankind?

The depths of human stupidity amazes me.

Excuse Me Sir, But You Lost Something

2010-03-04T09:04:00.004-05:00

I love how even though he was sent flying like a meat frisbee he still gets up and tries to act like everything we just saw was of his own doing.

Way to impress your friends there Pablo. Next time try the fucking seat belt.

Crazy Prick Gets Stab Happy; No One Steps In To Help

2010-03-04T08:48:00.003-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you exhibit A as to the lengths to which people will go to not have their perfect little lives affected by anything not directly involving them. Here we see some bat-shit crazy Chinaman getting stab-happy on anything with two legs, and as you can clearly see in the video not a single motherfucker steps in to help stop the violence.

This is why my stance on human decency -- or indecency -- hasn't and will never change. People are pieces of shit, and just because we have vocal cords and drive fancy cars doesn't mean we're any different from our club-swinging ancestors.

Eye Candy: Another Slutty Lindsay Lohan Photo Shoot

2010-03-03T10:27:00.004-05:00

I think the reason this girl is forced to deflect so much flak is because she's slutty, dirty and not afraid to openly explore her sexuality. That and she makes no apologies for being who she is and what she does.

I -- along with thousands of other men -- salute her.

Eye Candy: Jennifer Love Hewitt In a Tight Blue Dress

2010-03-03T09:24:00.002-05:00

She may not be top notch in he acting department but the girl can still fill up a dress.

Queen's Guard Shows Tourists What He Thinks of Them

2010-03-03T09:03:00.004-05:00

Damn, my man there has guts. Literally. Not only did he continue on with his assigned duties after he barked at his shoes but he didn't even wipe his fucking mouth. I bet if you gave that guy any grief he'd shove his fist up your ass and walk you around like a hand puppet.

And just for the record these guys see action in Afghanistan and Iraq with those very same rifles, so anyone who thinks the guns are fake and that the guards are pussies needs to ball up before they talk any shit.

50-Year-Old Man Pisses On Live Wire; Meets His Maker

2010-03-03T08:40:00.005-05:00

Being a man -- and an awesome one at that -- I've pissed on my share of inanimate objects. From the sides of buildings to gas pumps and everything in between there really aren't too many things that haven't been doused by my DNA. One thing I've never peed on? A live wire. Roy Messenger? Not so lucky. Have a gander:

"Authorities in Washington have confirmed the death of a man who was accidentally killed when he urinated on a downed power line after a car crash.

50-year-old Roy Messenger was not seriously hurt in the crash when he collided with the power pole and his car rolled into a ditch.

While he was waiting for a relative to arrive to pull his car from the ditch, Mr Messenger was electrocuted when he apparently urinated without observing the live wire which had fallen.

According to officials, the urine stream served as a conductor, allowing the electricity to kill him.

Pre-autopsy reports said burn marks had indicated how the electricity had traveled through Messenger's body."

Now I don't know about you but I'm pretty sure Mr. Messenger pissed someone off during his 50 years, otherwise the man upstairs wouldn't have allowed him to suffer such a horribly shocking death. Messenger? He is now.

Help! Need a New Header Image!

2010-03-02T17:55:00.004-05:00

Hey, are you semi-coherent and good at creating visually appealing things with your computer? Well I want to talk to you. You see, I'm looking for a new header image and flunked art in high school, so I'm asking anyone who might be good at creating something from nothing to drop me a line at busted_cranium@yahoo.com so we can have a chat.

Unfortunately I can't pay you -- if I had any money I'd have my own domain name by now -- but what I can offer you is an opportunity to help your fellow man in his time of need.

So what say you? Are you up for it? Are you funny, imaginative and a little on the goofy side? Then what the hell are you waiting for? I need you in my life.

Eye Candy: Jenni Farley Flaunts Her Rack For Her B-Day

2010-03-02T09:21:00.007-05:00

She may be one of the biggest douchettes in the history of everything -- J-Wow? Really? -- but god damn does this broad have a killer rack or what? Now if she'd only forget how to talk we'd be all set.

Hey, What's Different About You?

2010-03-02T09:12:00.006-05:00

Most of you out there would probably agree that little miss blondie here is as cute as a button. Come on now, don't lie. If you met this girl at a bar and she asked you to go home with her you'd snap to attention so fast you'd pass out due to lack of blood to the brain. But here's the catch:

Kim was born Tim.

That's right boys and girls, this attractive little thing was born a male, but after a recent sex change operation he can now but an entirely new wardrobe of tight fitting clothes. No shit. Here's the story:

"German teenager Kim Petras who became the world's youngest transsexual after undergoing an operation at the age of just 16 says she can't wait for the summer so she can try out a whole new wardrobe of tight fitting clothes.

The pop singer - born Tim - is well known in Germany for having started hormone replacement therapy as part of her gender transition by the age of 12.

Now 16, she completed Gender Reassignment Surgery in November, according to a posting on her blog.

Dr Bernd Meyenburg, who heads the Psychiatric Special Outpatient Clinic for Children and Adolescents with Identity Disorders at the University of Frankfurt Hospital said: 'Very few youth psychiatrists have any experience with transsexual developments. The families wander from one psychiatrist to the next.

'I was always against such operations on children so young but after seeing how happy one of my patients was and how well adjusted after returning from having the operation abroad while still a teenager – I realised that in some cases it is the right decision.

'Kim is such a case – she always knew what she wanted.'

Kim herself said: 'Everything has changed because of this operation. I just can't wait to put on my favourite bathing suit and go swimming like I've never done before.

'I had to wait until my 16th birthday but once that was past I was able legally to have the operation.
Kim Petras

Kim Petras pictured as a young boy

'I know that because of my past people will always bring up the subject, I can't get away from it. But I hope that one day I might be better known for something else like my music.'

In Germany, such operations are not usually allowed until the patient is 18.

However Kim managed to convince doctors when she was just 12 that she should have the surgery.

By 14 she was officially registered as a girl - and was already famous for her choice.

The costs of her procedure were covered by health insurance as her condition was officially diagnosed as an illness.

Dr Achim Wuesthof, an endocrinologist specialising in children and adolescents, who was treating Kim at a clinic in Hamburg, said that he and his colleagues felt that in this case it had been best to start earlier.

He said: 'To the best of my knowledge, Kim is the youngest sex change patient in the world.

'According to German law, two independent psychiatrists must confirm that the child is indeed transsexual and approve the sex change. Once that has been done, it is best to start as early as possible.

'Transsexuals experience the onset of puberty, and the physical changes it brings, as a serious trauma.

'But there is a general lack of empathy with cases like Kim's, mostly because people know little about the condition. Imagine a man that suddenly starts growing breasts or a woman that starts growing a beard against their will – that is how Kim and people like her experience puberty.

'They are not freaks, nor do they suffer mental illness. They are simply trapped in the wrong bodies. That is why it is best to help them as early as possible and reduce the trauma for them and their families.'

Last year Kim was signed to Joyce Records and released online her first single 'Last Forever'.

It became a YouTube and MySpace hit.

In September - just weeks before the cosmetic surgery finalising her transition from a male to a female -she released her first commercially available single 'Fade Away' into the German market.

Kim said: 'I was asked if I feel like a woman now – but the truth is I have always felt like a woman – I just ended up in the wrong body.

'I had a problem because I couldn't wear skinny stuff, but now I can wear whatever I want to. I really am looking forward to going swimming like everyone else and to wearing tight jeans that show off my figure. They are so tight, I always felt quite uncomfortable in them until now.

'Now I can go as tight as I want to. I used to wear mini skirts too, but yes, now even the tight ones can be part of my wardrobe.

'I can enjoy swimming, and bikinis, go in the changing rooms without a problem, everything has changed because of this operation. I just can't wait to put on my favourite bathing suit and go swimming like I've never done before.'

Kim, who is now studying fashion design, began calling herself a girl when she was just two years old.

Her father Lutz said: 'I suppose it took me longer than my wife to accept it, but Kim is a very persuasive girl, she knows what she wants and how to get it.

'I am very proud of what she has achieved, how she has managed to get there and how she sticks to her dreams no matter how hard and painful they are to follow.'

Kind of gives new meaning to the term "dude looks like a lady."

Early Candidate For Douche Bag of the Year

2010-03-02T08:51:00.004-05:00

I'm not even going to comment on this ridiculous shit. Just kick back and let the, uh, crazy force fuck your ear holes.

And tough it out until about the midway point for a real treat. Did he rip ass and needed to freshen up the air or were the neurons in his tiny little peanut brain rapidly firing like a Morse code machine and he just needed to grab for something -- anything -- to make the whole "off the wall" ambiance seem that much more random?

Questions people. Questions.

Silly Broad Fires a Hand Cannon

2010-03-01T14:24:00.004-05:00

Shit man, at least she held on to the thing.

And what exactly was dude supposed to be doing behind her? I mean come on, what did he think she was firing? A rocket? I could see maybe standing there just in case she, I don't know, was a total fucking spastic and tripped and fell somehow, but to brace her like she was about to take the brunt of a nuclear blast was just ridiculous.

And yes, I know she asked him to help her out, but the simple fact that he does it makes him a jackass as well as a pussy.

Please Sir, We Just Want a Word With You

2010-03-01T10:34:00.003-05:00

I don't know what's being said but I imagine it goes something like this:

Cop 1: "Sir, can you please exit the residence. We'd like to speak to you."

Suspect: "Hang on, let me finish my burrito."

Cop 2: "Fuck it Juan, kick that bitch in."

Cop 1: "Copy that."

*lame attempt at breaking down the door ensues*

Cop 2: "Come on Juan, that's the best you can do?"

Cop 1: "Negative."

Suspect: "Eh, you kicked a hole in my fucking door!"

Cop 2: "Sir, please approach the door. We really need to speak to you."

Cop 1: Copy th. . .er, yeah sir. Please."

Suspect: "OK."

*suspect approaches door*

Cop 2: "Grab that fucker Juan! Grab him!"

Cop 1: "Copy tha. . .he's a slippery little prick."

Suspect: "Listen fellas, I'd be more than happy to come outside. You know, just to make things a little easier on everyone."

Cop 2: "Just pull him through, Juan. I have a salsa class at 2:00."

Cop 1: "Copy that."

Suspect: "Ow! I think you broke my shit!"

Cop 1: "Apologies sir."

Landlord: "So who's gonna fix my fuckin' door?"

Tonight On the Trashy and Reckless

2010-03-01T10:28:00.004-05:00

Jesus Christ on a ten-speed bike, is this what it's come to? Are people so jaded that the use of firearms -- or in this case the brandishing of firearms -- in the vicinity of the little ones is not only encouraged but captured on camera for posterity? For fuck sake.

Meanwhile when this kid picks up daddy's revolver and puts a moon roof in the back of his own head it will be someone else's fault. The firearms manufacturer perhaps.

Wasted Bastard Gets His Mow On

2010-03-01T10:07:00.002-05:00

Hey, ever wonder what you look like while slamming a Big Mac after a night of Wild Turkey? Well wonder no longer my booze-fueled friends, because I've been kind enough to post a video showing exactly that. Granted, it looks like my man here is choking down some Subway, but when it comes to filling the hole after a night of trying to score some there really is no comparison. It all works.

Eye Candy: Kim Kardashian's Rack Sells Perfume

2010-03-01T10:02:00.002-05:00

Nothing sells stinkem quite like a set of bloated milk bags. Hell, I'm feeling the, uh, pressure to comply at this very moment.

GIF of the Decade -- Jessica Simpson Gives Gravity a Hard Time

2010-02-27T16:19:00.005-05:00

Is there anything better than a busty babe running in a bikini? Well, besides pizza? Or a busty babe in a bikini running to deliver my pizza? Because if there is I certainly haven't seen it.

Just Because: The Hottest Women of the Vancouver Olympics

2010-02-27T09:00:00.020-05:00

If you're like me then the 2010 Olympics weren't exactly "must see" TV. What with the snore-inducing likes of curling, Nordic combined and figure skating it's a wonder we weren't seeing reports of mob violence taking place in Vancouver. You know, just to break up the fucking monotony.

With that being said there was a silver lining to all that boredom, and it came in the form of 32-24-34. Yeah baby! Biathlon!

Gretchen Bleiler -- USA -- Snowboard Halfpipe

Julia Mancuso -- USA -- Alpine Skiing-Super G, Downhill, Super combined, Giant Slalom

Anni Friesinger -- Germany -- Speed Skating-1000m, 1500m

Lindsey Vonn -- USA -- Alpine Skiing-Downhill, Super G, Super Combined, Slalom, Giant Slalom

Lacy Schnoor -- USA -- Freestyle Skiing-Aerials

Therese Johaug -- Norway -- Cross-Country Skiing-15km, 30km

Stefanie Boehler -- Germany -- Cross-Country Skiing-4×5 km Relay Classic/Free

Noelle Pikus-Pace -- USA -- Skeleton

Magdalena Neuner -- Germany -- Cross-Country Skiing,Biathlon

Liudmila Privivkova -- Russian Federation -- Women’s Curling

Laura Lepisto -- Finland -- Figure Skating

Kimiko Zakreski -- Canada -- Snowboard-Parallel Giant Slalom

Ashleigh Mcivor -- Canada -- Freestyle Skiing-Ski Cross

Carolina Kostner -- Italy -- Figure Skating

Isabelle Delobel -- France -- Figure Skating-Ice Dance

Tanith Belbin -- USA -- Figure Skating-Ice Dance

Katya Crema -- Australia -- Ladies' Ski Cross

I'm sure I missed some, so feel free to let fly in the comments section.

The Friday Ker-Plunk

2010-02-26T09:44:00.004-05:00

Just Because: The New A Nightmare On Elm Street Movie Poster

2010-02-25T10:36:00.002-05:00

Like it or not this bitch is on its way. Will it be any good? Probably not, but at least the art work is cool. Click here to check out the new trailer.

So Many Skanks, So Little Time

2010-02-25T10:05:00.006-05:00

Here's and easy one:

How many skanky tramps does it take to give you whooping cough and a funny tickle in your nads? One. . .two. . .three. . .

And if any of these club rats belong to you, first let me say I'm sorry. Not for making fun of them -- they do that shit all on their own -- but for not being there for you when you needed it the most. Seriously, someone should have stopped you before you made that plunge.

Mother of the Year This Woman Ain't

2010-02-25T09:37:00.005-05:00

First let me just say that if you're easily upset or have a problem watching the depths to which human beings can sink then you might want to give this video a pass. Still here? Okie-dokie, but don't say I didn't warn you.

According to the news wire:

CCTV footage made available to the media yesterday shows the moment a Territory mother is alleged to have thrown her baby on to a concrete footpath.

Yesterday, the NT News told how a Darwin court lifted a suppression order on the film but refused to release it even though it was played in an open court last week.

It is alleged that the footage from the Palmerston bus exchange shows a woman throwing her 10-month-old baby on the ground after her partner left on a bus without her.

The woman - who cannot be named to protect the identity of the baby - pleaded not guilty to recklessly endangering serious harm to the child in Darwin Magistrates Court on Friday.

It is alleged she was drunk and had been arguing with her partner when she threw the baby.

In a police interview played to the court, she said she was "wild" with her partner and wanted to go home when she "dropped" the baby before others she was drinking with tried to take him away from her in May last year. Police found her and arrested her a little later.

Journalists from three media outlets sat in court while the video was played, but it was not until Friday afternoon and the video had been approved to be released that Dr Lowndes made an order suppressing its publication.

He closed the court while submissions were made on the suppression orders, and again when he gave his reasons for the orders.

He also closed the court while a lawyer representing the NT News argued for the orders to be revoked on Monday morning.

On Monday afternoon the NT News was told the footage would not be released.

But yesterday morning - after the story had been published - the video was released for publication and was made available to all media.

The woman's hearing will continue in June.

Now I've seen some pretty nasty business in my 31 years -- from shootouts to murders and everything in between -- but never have I seen such a blatant disregard for human decency and compassion than in the above video. Seriously people, what the fuck is wrong with some of you?

Typically I just take shit in and chalk it up to stupidity or some other form of inbred abnormality, but the woman in the video is neither human nor abnormal. She's a total abomination. If this is the type of thing she does in front of onlookers I can only imagine what passes for punishment in her twisted form of reality. And to plead not guilty with such a glaring contradiction staring her right in the face? Balls my friends. Big, brass balls.

I'll tell you this much; it was a good thing there were people there to stop her, because you can plainly see she was getting ready to spike that poor kid like a football.

Most of the time I'm wont to let the courts sort through their business but I don't think I'm alone in saying the legal process should be thrown out the window in this case and we should all take a few hours off of being calm and rational in order to pick up a rock or five and take aim at her maladjusted head.

Even Paris Hilton's Vag Craves Attention

2010-02-24T19:13:00.002-05:00

You know you're an attention whore when pieces of your anatomy are clamoring for some camera time.

On any other human being -- that skank you banged the other night after getting sauced on Jager Bombs included -- this would be somewhat titillating, but on this walking piece of butt lint it just makes me feel bad for whatever poor bastard was standing behind that camera lens.

He'll never see straight again.

HI-FUCKINOW! -- A.K.A. Bruised Lee's Revenge

2010-02-24T19:05:00.003-05:00

"Do as I say, not as I do" has never -- in the history of everything -- been more appropriate than here. The only thing that could have made this guy look like more of a ding-dong would have been for him to try and make it look like he meant to turn his hand into flour.