Idiots Shoot Roman Candles At Each Other

If you're like me you wake up every morning, make yourself a cup of coffee -- I take mine with lots of cream and lots of sugar in order to mask the gag-inducing taste of it -- and sit down at the computer to check your email. If you're not like me you probably do something different, like exercise or eat a healthy breakfast, but guys like me can't be bothered with such mundane tasks.

Anyway, after I poured my cup of go-go juice and lit my first cigarette of the day I planted my ass in my swivel chair -- it's missing a screw, but it still works -- to see what the day would bring me. Click over to Yahoo, sign in, go.

Visions of scantily clad women and animals doing stupid tricks danced in my head, so imagine my disappointment when I found a link to the above video waiting for me under the headline "Read this ass face." I almost deleted it in a fit of cleavage-induced rage, but something just compelled me to open the email. Maybe it was the catchy title.

After taking a few deep breaths and counting backwards from 10 I finally settled in to watch the video, and do you want to know something? I'm glad I did. Not because it was particularly funny -- it's two mouth breathers shooting fireworks at each other; funny, along with brains, is in short supply -- but because it made me thankful I was raised by parents who didn't sample an entire pharmacy's worth of mind-altering substances while I was in the womb.

So let this be a lesson to you boys and girls: Any time you're feeling down in the dumps and think your life is the worst there is, remember there are about a million people out there actively trying to best your situation with every fiber of their shit stained existence.

And most of them do it with explosives, which makes the resulting video all the more appealing.