Saturday, August 8, 2009

Top 10 Biggest Celebrity Douche Bags (Ever)

Ever since the first little amoeba figured out that hanging out with his little amoeba buddies was pretty much bullshit and skipped on out of the primordial ooze to become what would eventually be us there have been individuals so ridiculously retarded that our basic human instinct to beat them about the head and face with a moldy baguette just tends to take over. At least it does with me.

Add to that our tendency to bestow the coveted title of "celebrity" to anyone fortunate enough to have fucked a television producer on the hunt for their network's next reality show and you have more than enough fodder for a top 10 list.

Here's mine.

10. Carrot Top

This is what happens when you get Raggedy Ann all fucked up on Jager shots and introduce her to The Ultimate Warrior. Thanks dickhead. The only thing more annoying than this douche bag is a case of crabs, and even those you can kill without fear of legal ramifications. God damn laws and shit.

9. Tila Tequila

This mouthy little twat is such a freak that if a traveling circus swept through town she'd inevitably end up taking a place between the bearded lady and alligator boy as one of the main attractions.

"Step right up boys and girls and witness the unveiling of (drum roll) the Spray Tanned Garden Gnome!"

8. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag

Even before these two choad-asses quit the abomination that was (is?) I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! for the 57th time they held a special place in everyone's hearts as the two people the public would most love to see flogged and pelted with rocks. Why? Just look at them. If you can find a better reason be sure to let me know.

7. Paris Hilton

Have you ever met someone who just by showing up in the same place as you is able to make your stomach feel like it's trying to crawl out of your ass? Well multiply that by ten, throw in a light case of uncontrollable shitting and that's how Paris Hilton makes me feel. Excuse me.

6. Jon and Kate (Minus the Eight)

First these two decided to exploit the shit out of their kids by using them as a marketing ploy, and then they confused the general public for drooling idiots when they assumed we actually cared that they were getting a divorce. Well guess what dickheads? No one cared. After you finally go away we can all go back to doing the same shit we were doing before you came along. The only thing different will be we'll never be able to deny you were ever there.

5. Pauly Shore

Pauly Shore is proof positive that anything is possible when you sell your soul to Satan. Seriously, what a dick.

4. Mystery, the So-Called "Pickup Artist"

This wide-mouth bottle of nut sauce claims to be a magician, which automatically makes him a douche bag, but he also stars in a reality show, wears goofy hats and claims to be a pickup artist. He's like the retarded kid in your 10th grade shop class only, you know, dumber.

And I have to say that if there are any women out there who have willingly let this walking punchline stick his dick in them they deserve to have their vagina sewn shut. Seriously, have some self-respect ferchrissakes!

3. Britney Spears

Listen, I'll admit that she used to be a piece of ass, but any woman willing to fuck Kevin Federline (for any reason) and shave her head (for any reason) is a little lax in the decision making process. She also smoked while pregnant, willingly made a complete fool of herself every time she went out in public and ensured her kid gets his ass kicked every day on the playground by naming him Sean Preston. She also swapped herpes with Madonna, and that's just nasty.

2. The Geico Lizard

Some of you might be thinking "Hey, he's a cute little guy, and were it not for the fact that he's a cartoon lizard I'd totally let him come over and bang my mother." Well, maybe not, but you still might think he's cute.

Anyway, he also hocks insurance for a company that claims to be able to save you money, but if you were to do a little research (I know, funny right?) you'd find out that he's a lying little bastard. He might be cute and funny, but getting bent over by a multi-million dollar company is neither, so knock off the bullshit before I get Kermit to kick your ass.

1. The Entire Crew of Jackass

Seriously, do I even need to write anything here? These douche bags are the human equivalent of the beer shits, and the only thing more disturbing than their antics was the fact that they actually made money doing them. Oh, and that they had fans, and women found them attractive, and. . .

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