Did She Dried?

The above title was lifted from the comments section for the video you're about to watch, and the only reason I use it (other than it being the only humorous play on the annoying-as-fuck meme "did he died") is because I'm tired as hell and in no mood whatsoever to try and come up with something catchy on my own.

But, hey, whatever right? If millions of douche bags can steal (and beat to death) some other illiterate asshole's attempt at humor then why can't I steal some nameless 'net troll's attempt at being ironic?

And speaking of irony, how many of you out there have drank to the point of stupification (yeah, I made that shit up) and actually thought that mashing yourself into a clothes dryer seemed like a good idea? Really? You have? Well then you have something in common with this silly broad.

Ironic, eh? Video after the jump.

Ho-Ho-Holy Shit, How Did I Wake Up With My Pants Down?

Jesus Harold Christ, can you believe Christmas is right around the corner? It seems like just yesterday I was snapping shots of unsuspecting women sunbathing in their backyards. My, how time flies.

(NOTE: If you're ever in a position where you think getting just a little bit closer to a half-conscious, half naked girl is worth it to "get a better angle," do yourself a favor and stay put. For some reason hovering over a bikini-clad babe while snapping pictures of her ass is frowned upon by pretty much everyone. Who knew neighborhood watch was a real thing?)

Anyway, here we are once again, when the kids are even more obnoxious and your alcoholic parents make even bigger assholes of themselves. Thanks Budweiser!

And speaking of obnoxious alcoholics, check out the Santa impersonator below. Seems like the ol' Christmas "cheer" was imbibed quite liberally at the North Pole this year. Either that or The Grinch spiked Mr. Claus' eggnog, which, as we all know, The Grinch is apt to do. Last year I caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

At least I think it was him. The Grinch is black right? Video after the jumpety-jump-jump, jumpety-jump.

"Comedy" Is In the Eye of the Beholder

Every day -- I'm not kidding here. Every. Fucking. Day. -- someone does something so inherently stupid in my general vicinity that one can't help but stare in slack-jawed silence. Case in point: This dickhead. Apparently this took place in an Apple store, and while I'm sure dude is simply trying to be funny and score some kind of reaction from onlookers for the most part everyone just keeps their distance, presumably out of fear that if they stepped in and told him to knock off the nonsense they'd feel the wrath of four days worth of meth tweak.

My favorite part? It's at the 4:00 mark when the spawn of Shrek walks up and simply stares at Tweeky McTweekerson as if to say "Dude, my sense of humor is as underdeveloped as your brain, and even I don't find this shit funny."

Comedy is supposed to be funny. This, my friends, isn't it. Video after the jump.

Retarded Game Garners Even More Retarded Reaction

Listen guys (and some gals), if you get so into a video game that after losing your only recourse is to smash your ridiculously expensive television then it's time to open the shades a bit, stretch your atrophied limbs and shamble your silly ass back into the land of the living. Look! There's an entire world out there that doesn't revolve around high score combos and +Dmg. I know, amazing isn't it? And here's the point to remember: If you stick around long enough you might even acquire real friends with real personalities. Oh, and girls. Don't forget the girls. No, you inept jackass, I'm not talking about these kind of girls. I'm talking about the kind of girls who don't find Call of Duty: Black Ops and a meat lovers pizza the perfect date.

Trust me Mulder, they are out there. Believe.

"A" For Effort, "F" For Totally Fucking Useless

I know it's been a while since I graced you all with my presence, but between moving for the quadrillionth (?) time in 10 years and teaching indigent septuagenarians how to crochet their own diapers I've been busier than Robert Downey, Jr. at a frat party. Yes, that busy. But alas I have returned to force feed you all with the sort of mindless nonsense you've all come to know and love -- people doing dumb shit and girls dressed in skimpy clothes. Oh yes ladies and gentlemen, it's party time.

Now I know I'm brash sometimes and the words I sling around aren't for everyone, but when you spend as much time as I have being exposed to and ultimately judging the general dumbfuckery going on in this spinning cesspool we call Earth you develop a certain level of disdain for pretty much everyone around you. Hell, even my immediate family isn't safe.

But enough of this getting reacquainted shit. It's time to get down to business, and what better way to kick things off than by watching the following douche bag attempt what can only be described as a bitch move and fail. Miserably. It's good to be back dickheads.

Bag, Meet Bag

I don't even need to comment on this video clip. Just kick back and let the funny force fuck your eyeballs. Seriously, don't fight it; you're going to love it.

Later, War Machine

The uber-douche known around the MMA world as War Machine -- that's his real name by the way; he had it legally changed from Jon Koppenhaver -- is going to be kicking back for about a year in the county jail for his involvement in the above video, and all I can say about that is: It's not enough time.

This guy is beyond a menace, and were it not for the fact that he's a trained mixed martial artist his entire existence would be about as useful as your fucking appendix. He was kicked out of the UFC for talking shit about the death of fellow UFC fighter Evan Tanner, he tried his, uh, hand in the porn business before attacking his fellow porn "actors" during a party, and got arrested on another occasion for his involvement in a brawl inside a gay nightclub. Yeah, he's a total fucking tool.

Said Machine -- Christ, I can barely bring myself to type that -- on his Twitter feed about his time off from life:

"Weak! Looks like Ill be doing a year in San Diego County jail. Prolly gonna go in about 2 weeks..ugh. Gonna be SO boring! No delicious food, no training, no wifee, no friends. Whatever tho when I get out my partners and I will be opening our sick gym in Austin Texas and Ill be righ back to fighting. Jail is DUMB. All it does is press the PAUSE button on your life. What's it supposed to teach you? Anyway, who knows some bad ass books I should read!?"

So what's this guy's deal? Is it because he didn't get enough hugs as a child? Does he have some chemical imbalance in his brain that causes him to act out in totally inappropriate manners? Or is it because a chimp mistook his head for a football and tried to fuck it?

Who knows, and honestly who cares? Get rid of this jackass before he does something that can't be undone. One year for being a savage? And to think there are people serving more time than that for selling a plant that makes you feel good.

I "Saw" a Big, Flapping Douche Bag

Jesus Christ on a ten-speed. . .uh, tricycle. Not only did this dickhead spoof one of the lamest horror movie franchises to ever come burping out of Hollywood's gaping maw but he clearly let one of his "friends" get to that thing before he did.

That shit had "preconceived setup" written all over it.

Not Mad Skillz Yo

This knucklehead just might be the most poetically gifted sum-bitch I've ever had the pleasure of listening to.

You know, for a mentally handicapped hood rat that bears more than a striking resemblance to LL Cool J.

Really man? Your penis is kind of small? She's mad because she caught you fucking her dad? Why not just go one small step further and let the entire world know that you also like sewing and piss while sitting down.

Front runner for douche bag of 2010? Methinks so.

Dumb Ass Kid Uses Head As Brakes

Let this be a lesson to you boys and girls: If a friend asks you if he should dial 911, never under any circumstances try to voice your opinion by blowing spit bubbles. It's hard to understand and most of us don't speak splat.

Either that or just wear a fucking helmet. Kind of makes sense, eh?

Fatty Can't Fly

I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the SPLAT!

Big Boy Go Boom

Funny. Hilarious. Great. These are just a few of the words that flash through my brain when watching the above clip. Want some more? How about douche. Stupid. Total fucking moron. No more eyebrows. I could go on with the descriptives all day long. Do I have to? Of course not. A clip this pants-shittingly funny needs no description. It needs no introduction. Simply kick back and let the comedy molest your retinas.

Oh stop; you love it.

On No He Didn't

Oh yes he did. He even went with the deck shoes to help complete the picture.

I bet he has to beat the women off with a stick.

Absolute Jackass + Gas = Good For Us

For fuck sake. I'm not even going to get into it about this dickhead. It's too late on a Friday afternoon and I have shit to do. What I will say is this douche bag is the poster child for the pro-abortion lobby.

And if not that then at the very least the "His Father Should Have Pulled Out" lobby, to which I'm an ardent supporter and lifelong donation-giver.

Oh, and nice friends there Flash. Maybe for your next stunt you could just have them fire bottle rockets and Roman candles at you as you jump up and down on a pogo stick. Now there's some entertainment.

Next Time Use a Little Less Weight Tough Guy

I know it's not nice to laugh at people but I'm still wiping the tears from my eyes after watching Arnold Ham-N-Egger here dust his own jaw with that pull-down bar.

Let this be a lesson to everyone; whenever you start a workout make sure to check all wires and pulleys, otherwise you're sure to end up like this choad. Either that or don't fucking record yourself doing it.

Better safe than sorry, eh?

Reporter Gets Pissy On Live TV

Technical Difficulties On Live Newscast - Watch more Funny Videos
You know, it really cracks me up when reporters get all bent out of shape. I mean what do they have to be miserable about? They stand in front of a camera and read cue cards ferchrisakes! I would understand if they actually had to do some real work and it didn't exactly come off as planned, but dude in that video above is probably doing his job in a pair of fucking shorts. Try working in a factory Mr. Pissy Pants. Or busting your ass in a warehouse for minimum wage. How about taking care of five unruly kids with no help at all.

Seems to me you have it pretty easy there dickhead, so next time you feel the need to make yourself look like a total jackass -- on live television no less -- why not take a moment and think about all of the hard-working people out there who don't get paid thousands of dollars a week and actually have a reason to throw a temper tantrum.

Weird Shit of the Day: Man Marries Pillow

I'm so totally not kidding. This guy married his fucking pillow. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, but the fact of the matter is he really did it. He. Married. A. Pillow. Granted, it had a picture of a real woman's face on it, but I just can't wrap my head around the fact that he married something that most sane people use to comfortably prop their heads up with when they sleep. Have a gander:

True love can take many forms. In this case, it has taken the form of a Korean man falling in love with, and eventually marrying, a large pillow with a picture of a woman on it.

Lee Jin-gyu fell for his 'dakimakura' - a kind of large, huggable pillow from Japan, often with a picture of a popular anime character printed on the side.

In Lee's case, his beloved pillow has an image of Fate Te More..starossa, from the 'magical girl' anime series Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha.

Now the 28-year-old otaku (a Japanese term that roughly translates to somewhere between 'obsessive' and 'nerd') has wed the pillow in a special ceremony, after fitting it out with a wedding dress for the service in front of a local priest. Their nuptials were eagerly chronicled by the local media.

'He is completely obsessed with this pillow and takes it everywhere,' said one friend.

'They go out to the park or the funfair where it will go on all the rides with him. Then when he goes out to eat he takes it with him and it gets its own seat and its own meal,' they added.

The pillow marriage is not the first similarly-themed unusual marriage in recent times - it comes after a Japanese otaku married his virtual girlfriend Nene Anegasaki, a character who only exists in the Nintendo DS game Love Plus, last November.

I'm not even going to comment on this ridiculous nonsense; just read the story above and let the weird molest your gray matter.

Lucky Bastard Nearly Ventilates His Own Head w/ .50 Cal. Ricochet

Have you ever had one of those moments where you were pretty sure you were just seconds and/or millimeters from death or serious injury, only to walk away with nary a scratch? You know, those times when you say to yourself "Wow, I so almost lost my shit just now?" Yeah, well, this guy has that beat by a full pant load. No? Check it out:



Now there are close calls and then there are moments where The Purveyor of the Afterlife came so close you could actually smell his rotten breath. This, my friends, was one of those times.

And just as an aside who the fuck shoots a .50 cal. at such close range? Aren't those things meant to blow shit apart from well over a mile away or something? And where's his cover?

Really Dude? I Mean Really!?

Jesus Christ hitting on a one-eyed dike, can this guy get any more self-involved? I would bet money that Choad the Wet Sprocket here makes out with himself in the mirror on a daily basis, and were it not for the fact that still images are exactly that we'd all be treated to a tongue session the likes of which haven't been seen since Not Another Teen Movie.

Funny flick that.

It's All Fun and Games. . .

. . .'til someone fucks around too long on a swing that wasn't meant for that and ends up wishing they had stayed in and watched Tyra instead.