Did She Dried?

The above title was lifted from the comments section for the video you're about to watch, and the only reason I use it (other than it being the only humorous play on the annoying-as-fuck meme "did he died") is because I'm tired as hell and in no mood whatsoever to try and come up with something catchy on my own.

But, hey, whatever right? If millions of douche bags can steal (and beat to death) some other illiterate asshole's attempt at humor then why can't I steal some nameless 'net troll's attempt at being ironic?

And speaking of irony, how many of you out there have drank to the point of stupification (yeah, I made that shit up) and actually thought that mashing yourself into a clothes dryer seemed like a good idea? Really? You have? Well then you have something in common with this silly broad.

Ironic, eh? Video after the jump.

Ho-Ho-Holy Shit, How Did I Wake Up With My Pants Down?

Jesus Harold Christ, can you believe Christmas is right around the corner? It seems like just yesterday I was snapping shots of unsuspecting women sunbathing in their backyards. My, how time flies.

(NOTE: If you're ever in a position where you think getting just a little bit closer to a half-conscious, half naked girl is worth it to "get a better angle," do yourself a favor and stay put. For some reason hovering over a bikini-clad babe while snapping pictures of her ass is frowned upon by pretty much everyone. Who knew neighborhood watch was a real thing?)

Anyway, here we are once again, when the kids are even more obnoxious and your alcoholic parents make even bigger assholes of themselves. Thanks Budweiser!

And speaking of obnoxious alcoholics, check out the Santa impersonator below. Seems like the ol' Christmas "cheer" was imbibed quite liberally at the North Pole this year. Either that or The Grinch spiked Mr. Claus' eggnog, which, as we all know, The Grinch is apt to do. Last year I caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

At least I think it was him. The Grinch is black right? Video after the jumpety-jump-jump, jumpety-jump.

"A" For Effort, "F" For Totally Fucking Useless

I know it's been a while since I graced you all with my presence, but between moving for the quadrillionth (?) time in 10 years and teaching indigent septuagenarians how to crochet their own diapers I've been busier than Robert Downey, Jr. at a frat party. Yes, that busy. But alas I have returned to force feed you all with the sort of mindless nonsense you've all come to know and love -- people doing dumb shit and girls dressed in skimpy clothes. Oh yes ladies and gentlemen, it's party time.

Now I know I'm brash sometimes and the words I sling around aren't for everyone, but when you spend as much time as I have being exposed to and ultimately judging the general dumbfuckery going on in this spinning cesspool we call Earth you develop a certain level of disdain for pretty much everyone around you. Hell, even my immediate family isn't safe.

But enough of this getting reacquainted shit. It's time to get down to business, and what better way to kick things off than by watching the following douche bag attempt what can only be described as a bitch move and fail. Miserably. It's good to be back dickheads.

Bag, Meet Bag

I don't even need to comment on this video clip. Just kick back and let the funny force fuck your eyeballs. Seriously, don't fight it; you're going to love it.

I "Saw" a Big, Flapping Douche Bag

Jesus Christ on a ten-speed. . .uh, tricycle. Not only did this dickhead spoof one of the lamest horror movie franchises to ever come burping out of Hollywood's gaping maw but he clearly let one of his "friends" get to that thing before he did.

That shit had "preconceived setup" written all over it.

Stanley Cup Parade Turns Into Grand Theft Auto

First and foremost let me just preface this by saying I live in Michigan and am a fervent Red Wings fan, so fuck Chicago. Seriously, right in their collective asses. You better live it up now, because you have another four decades or so to wait for another one.

With that being said what you're looking at above is the Stanley Cup parade all the bandwagon jumpers skipped work to attend. It's all party-hardy and revelry until the boys in blue decide policing drunk and disorderly Chicagoans just isn't enough fun and take to mowing them down on All Terrain Vehicles. The kicker? In all the excitement one overzealous oinker plows into one of his own.

Man -- or in this case woman -- down. What a fucking idiot.

Dumb Ass Kid Uses Head As Brakes

Let this be a lesson to you boys and girls: If a friend asks you if he should dial 911, never under any circumstances try to voice your opinion by blowing spit bubbles. It's hard to understand and most of us don't speak splat.

Either that or just wear a fucking helmet. Kind of makes sense, eh?

Fatty Can't Fly

I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the SPLAT!

He Didn't Need That Kidney Anyway

Listen, I have a confession to make. I think most people are fucking idiots. Seriously, I have nothing good to say about most of you. People willingly subject themselves to the most ridiculous shit possible and they never seem to learn a lesson. Case in point:



You'd think this stupid ass kid would have realized that attempting a stunt he was clearly ill-prepared to perform was a tad on the dumb side, but as you saw in the above video -- not to mention the plethora of clips currently bouncing around the millions of email boxes around the Internet -- brains are certainly not a pre-requisite to strapping on a pair or roller-blades.

I hope it hurt, and if it didn't I eagerly volunteer to help make it hurt next time.

With a bat.

Have a Nice Trip

Hey, at least my man got on TV. Some people try their whole lives to get on camera and never make it.

You'll Get Better Results With Multiple Reps Guys

I've never been much of a fitness goon -- my idea of exercise is trying to keep up with my girlfriend while she shops for the best bargains at the mall -- but I'm pretty sure you're supposed to bang out multiple reps for the most promising results boys and girls.

Then again maybe this is some kind of new shit these two dreamed up. Maybe this is something so fucking cool we don't even know it yet. They could be filming the newest sensation in workout videos and we could all be sitting here laughing our asses off at a couple of millionaires in the making. Seriously, this shit could be workout gold. You know, do one sit-up, crash to the floor and see who expends the most energy -- not to mention burns the most calories -- getting back to their feet.

Package it, slap a stupid name on it and start selling it to all the fat housewives that actually fork over their rich husbands' money for those ridiculous workout videos in the first place. Seriously, if you told them it would help them lose that humongous shitter of theirs they'd eat chalk.

Big Boy Go Boom

Funny. Hilarious. Great. These are just a few of the words that flash through my brain when watching the above clip. Want some more? How about douche. Stupid. Total fucking moron. No more eyebrows. I could go on with the descriptives all day long. Do I have to? Of course not. A clip this pants-shittingly funny needs no description. It needs no introduction. Simply kick back and let the comedy molest your retinas.

Oh stop; you love it.

Teeth Are Highly Overrated Anyway Hun

Let's be perfectly honest here; she probably would have lost them in a few years anyway. I mean one can only smoke that shit for so long before it breaks down the enamel in the teeth, so when you think about it she was just getting a jump on what the crack would have eventually done. She's a forward thinker.

Next Time Use a Little Less Weight Tough Guy

I know it's not nice to laugh at people but I'm still wiping the tears from my eyes after watching Arnold Ham-N-Egger here dust his own jaw with that pull-down bar.

Let this be a lesson to everyone; whenever you start a workout make sure to check all wires and pulleys, otherwise you're sure to end up like this choad. Either that or don't fucking record yourself doing it.

Better safe than sorry, eh?

Reporter Gets Pissy On Live TV

Technical Difficulties On Live Newscast - Watch more Funny Videos
You know, it really cracks me up when reporters get all bent out of shape. I mean what do they have to be miserable about? They stand in front of a camera and read cue cards ferchrisakes! I would understand if they actually had to do some real work and it didn't exactly come off as planned, but dude in that video above is probably doing his job in a pair of fucking shorts. Try working in a factory Mr. Pissy Pants. Or busting your ass in a warehouse for minimum wage. How about taking care of five unruly kids with no help at all.

Seems to me you have it pretty easy there dickhead, so next time you feel the need to make yourself look like a total jackass -- on live television no less -- why not take a moment and think about all of the hard-working people out there who don't get paid thousands of dollars a week and actually have a reason to throw a temper tantrum.

Lucky Bastard Nearly Ventilates His Own Head w/ .50 Cal. Ricochet

Have you ever had one of those moments where you were pretty sure you were just seconds and/or millimeters from death or serious injury, only to walk away with nary a scratch? You know, those times when you say to yourself "Wow, I so almost lost my shit just now?" Yeah, well, this guy has that beat by a full pant load. No? Check it out:



Now there are close calls and then there are moments where The Purveyor of the Afterlife came so close you could actually smell his rotten breath. This, my friends, was one of those times.

And just as an aside who the fuck shoots a .50 cal. at such close range? Aren't those things meant to blow shit apart from well over a mile away or something? And where's his cover?

You're Supposed to Stay Upright Alexander

Most of the time Washington Capitals star right-winger Alexander Semin is an offensive force. As I write this he boasts 30 goals and 37 assists, and if you asked any goalie in the NHL if they'd want to see him one-on-one in a shootout the vast majority of them would answer in the negative. But then he had to go and pull this shit:



He's never going to live that one down, especially when you consider he's expected to score that goal. Granted, he might not have scored had he not tripped and done a header into the boards, but at least he wouldn't have looked like he was auditioning for the remake of Slap Shot.

It's All Fun and Games. . .

. . .'til someone fucks around too long on a swing that wasn't meant for that and ends up wishing they had stayed in and watched Tyra instead.

The Bonehead Trifecta

Dumb Ass + Treadmill + Bike = A Sanded Face