Just Because: Country Breakfast Getting a Country Beatdown

Question: What happens when a (used-to-be) unstoppable force meets an highly motivated and totally fucking psyched immovable object? The former gets the shit kicked out of him in :21, sees his hopes and dreams of some day holding a UFC title again completely destroyed and wakes up in front of thousands of people and asks, quite simply, "What happened?"

Ah, the sweet smell of humility.

The best GIF you'll ever lay your eyes on is after the jump. War Penn.

Eye Candy: Rumor WIllis' Big Ass In Tights

You know, as busted as this broad's face is I have to say that her ass stuffed into those tights has my ding-dong going all action-adventure while shouting "Yippee Ki-Yay Motherfucker!" And for those trying to paint a mental picture of my man-junk going action-adventure inside my pants, think the opening explosion in Die Hard With a Vengeance and you're about halfway there. Either that or stop thinking about my package all together. Freak.

For the rest of the series click here, and marvel at how an ass that scrumptious can belong on a body that also houses such an incongruous gob.

Lindsey Vonn Has the "Instinct" For Smokin' Hot Magazine Shoots

Most of you know Lindsey Vonn as the first American woman to win the gold medal in the downhill at the 2010 Winter Olympics (and if you didn't before you do now, ya knucklehead). Some of you might also know her as the girl that broke your heart, but that was back in high school when you were all awkward and didn't know how to talk to girls. Seriously dude, don't blame yourself.

Well thanks to ESPN The Magazine after today you'll also know Little Miss Vonn as the girl who took Sharon Stone's iconic role in Basic Instinct, wrapped it in a dynamite coat, blew it the fuck up and then stomped all over the resulting carnage. And yes, she even shows us the money shot (albeit inadvertently and while wearing some pretty white panties).

Super-duper sexy behind-the-scenes video with said panty shot is after the jump, and please do everyone a favor and try not to get any on yourself. Pervert.

Ho-Ho-Holy Shit, How Did I Wake Up With My Pants Down?

Jesus Harold Christ, can you believe Christmas is right around the corner? It seems like just yesterday I was snapping shots of unsuspecting women sunbathing in their backyards. My, how time flies.

(NOTE: If you're ever in a position where you think getting just a little bit closer to a half-conscious, half naked girl is worth it to "get a better angle," do yourself a favor and stay put. For some reason hovering over a bikini-clad babe while snapping pictures of her ass is frowned upon by pretty much everyone. Who knew neighborhood watch was a real thing?)

Anyway, here we are once again, when the kids are even more obnoxious and your alcoholic parents make even bigger assholes of themselves. Thanks Budweiser!

And speaking of obnoxious alcoholics, check out the Santa impersonator below. Seems like the ol' Christmas "cheer" was imbibed quite liberally at the North Pole this year. Either that or The Grinch spiked Mr. Claus' eggnog, which, as we all know, The Grinch is apt to do. Last year I caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

At least I think it was him. The Grinch is black right? Video after the jumpety-jump-jump, jumpety-jump.

"Comedy" Is In the Eye of the Beholder

Every day -- I'm not kidding here. Every. Fucking. Day. -- someone does something so inherently stupid in my general vicinity that one can't help but stare in slack-jawed silence. Case in point: This dickhead. Apparently this took place in an Apple store, and while I'm sure dude is simply trying to be funny and score some kind of reaction from onlookers for the most part everyone just keeps their distance, presumably out of fear that if they stepped in and told him to knock off the nonsense they'd feel the wrath of four days worth of meth tweak.

My favorite part? It's at the 4:00 mark when the spawn of Shrek walks up and simply stares at Tweeky McTweekerson as if to say "Dude, my sense of humor is as underdeveloped as your brain, and even I don't find this shit funny."

Comedy is supposed to be funny. This, my friends, isn't it. Video after the jump.

Dumb Ass Kid Uses Head As Brakes

Let this be a lesson to you boys and girls: If a friend asks you if he should dial 911, never under any circumstances try to voice your opinion by blowing spit bubbles. It's hard to understand and most of us don't speak splat.

Either that or just wear a fucking helmet. Kind of makes sense, eh?

Giving New Meaning to the Term "Ass Face."

I. Have. No. Words.

And the sad part is these people actually used their fucking brains and came up with the idea. Mankind is doomed.

Fatty Can't Fly

I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the SPLAT!

Skank-A-Saurus Is Attacking the City

*shivers*

This is what haunts my nightmares. At least it will now. Jesus, what a nasty bitch. I bet she wipes her ass back-to-front.

Just Because: What a Broken Ankle Looks Like

This little bit of nastiness happened last night when Darren Elkins went for a double-leg take-down on Duane Ludwig during their UFC on Versus bout. When Ludwig tried to stuff the attempt the two fighters fell in a heap, and the above shot was the result. Ouch, eh? Elkins had this to say to UFC.com after the fight:

"I felt him tap so I knew something was wrong. Then I seen on the big screen that his leg was snapped. It sucks to win a fight like this. I wanted to put on a show. It's an unfortunate event but these things happen in fighting all the time."

Apparently the injury could be career-ending, which probably hurts more than the injury itself. Back to the drawing board for Ludwig.

Sick World

Sadly this doesn't even surprise me anymore.

Just Because: Cam Janssen vs. Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond Goes For Over 2 Minutes

Have you ever been in a fight that went longer than 30 seconds? Hell, have you ever been in a wrestling match with your brother or best friend that went longer than 30 seconds? It's a fucking nightmare for the cardiovascular system with all that tussling and jockeying for position. At the end of it all you're out of breath, sweating profusely and -- depending on your possible state of inebriation -- in need of a good yack. It's enough to make you tired just thinking about it.

Add about ten pounds of hockey equipment, some ice skates, thousands of screaming fans and a running time of over two minutes and you get the following video. Kind of adds a new element to the whole "Shit, I'm tired!" aspect don't you think?

Just Because: Andrew Raycroft Should Be In Jail Right Now

Listen folks, there's a difference between robbing a guy and making him look so silly his soul is ripped from his chest, mashed into a hamburger-type patty and cooked on the grill that is his own embarrassment.

Andrew Raycroft -- the 2004 Calder Trophy winner -- rudely introduced Lee Stempniak to the latter method last Saturday night. Save of the Year contender? Ab-so-fucking-lutely.

Lucky Bastard Nearly Ventilates His Own Head w/ .50 Cal. Ricochet

Have you ever had one of those moments where you were pretty sure you were just seconds and/or millimeters from death or serious injury, only to walk away with nary a scratch? You know, those times when you say to yourself "Wow, I so almost lost my shit just now?" Yeah, well, this guy has that beat by a full pant load. No? Check it out:



Now there are close calls and then there are moments where The Purveyor of the Afterlife came so close you could actually smell his rotten breath. This, my friends, was one of those times.

And just as an aside who the fuck shoots a .50 cal. at such close range? Aren't those things meant to blow shit apart from well over a mile away or something? And where's his cover?

"I Told You Once"

Apparently this cop isn't one to repeat himself, especially to a cuffed and incapacitated suspect who wasn't aware that he'd somehow been transported back to the 1800's where cops would much rather kick the shit out of you than tell you -- for a second time -- not to kick the window.

One thing's for sure; this guy will probably keep his feet on the floor from now on.

Just Because: Miguel Torres' Forehead Vagina

This little bit of nastiness happened on Saturday night at WEC 47 when Joseph Benavidez opened up a geyser on Miguel Torres' forehead before ending his night with a guillotine choke. Nice eh?

A view of the inside of Torres' forehead -- as well as the stitched up aftermath -- is after the jump, so if you're eating -- or are thinking about eating within the next couple of hours or so -- or sitting in your cubicle at work then I highly suggest giving it a little time and then coming back later. Seriously, shit ain't pretty yo.

The Friday Ker-Plunk

• Some things just shouldn't ever be made. This is one of those things.
• Boyfriends share pics of their naughty girlfriends.
• Some Sofia Vergara see-through-to-undies shots.
• The ass on this broad is unreal.
• Beyonce in the French version of FHM.
• That's one big pussy.
• Dad scares the shit out of his stepson. And oldy but a goody.
• A real live dickhead.
• Chloe Vevrier's luscious rack in sheer lingerie.
• Barbie has had 120 careers and "cunting."
• Nasty and naughty girlfriends waiting for your vote.
• She might look 12, but Faye Reagan is legal. Barely.
• UFC signs James Toney; entire MMA world wonders why.

Every Dork's Wet Dream

Courtesy of my buddy over at Fat Kid At Camp.

Great 'Stache My Man

Crazy Prick Gets Stab Happy; No One Steps In To Help

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you exhibit A as to the lengths to which people will go to not have their perfect little lives affected by anything not directly involving them. Here we see some bat-shit crazy Chinaman getting stab-happy on anything with two legs, and as you can clearly see in the video not a single motherfucker steps in to help stop the violence.

This is why my stance on human decency -- or indecency -- hasn't and will never change. People are pieces of shit, and just because we have vocal cords and drive fancy cars doesn't mean we're any different from our club-swinging ancestors.