Just Because: Country Breakfast Getting a Country Beatdown

Question: What happens when a (used-to-be) unstoppable force meets an highly motivated and totally fucking psyched immovable object? The former gets the shit kicked out of him in :21, sees his hopes and dreams of some day holding a UFC title again completely destroyed and wakes up in front of thousands of people and asks, quite simply, "What happened?"

Ah, the sweet smell of humility.

The best GIF you'll ever lay your eyes on is after the jump. War Penn.

Later, War Machine

The uber-douche known around the MMA world as War Machine -- that's his real name by the way; he had it legally changed from Jon Koppenhaver -- is going to be kicking back for about a year in the county jail for his involvement in the above video, and all I can say about that is: It's not enough time.

This guy is beyond a menace, and were it not for the fact that he's a trained mixed martial artist his entire existence would be about as useful as your fucking appendix. He was kicked out of the UFC for talking shit about the death of fellow UFC fighter Evan Tanner, he tried his, uh, hand in the porn business before attacking his fellow porn "actors" during a party, and got arrested on another occasion for his involvement in a brawl inside a gay nightclub. Yeah, he's a total fucking tool.

Said Machine -- Christ, I can barely bring myself to type that -- on his Twitter feed about his time off from life:

"Weak! Looks like Ill be doing a year in San Diego County jail. Prolly gonna go in about 2 weeks..ugh. Gonna be SO boring! No delicious food, no training, no wifee, no friends. Whatever tho when I get out my partners and I will be opening our sick gym in Austin Texas and Ill be righ back to fighting. Jail is DUMB. All it does is press the PAUSE button on your life. What's it supposed to teach you? Anyway, who knows some bad ass books I should read!?"

So what's this guy's deal? Is it because he didn't get enough hugs as a child? Does he have some chemical imbalance in his brain that causes him to act out in totally inappropriate manners? Or is it because a chimp mistook his head for a football and tried to fuck it?

Who knows, and honestly who cares? Get rid of this jackass before he does something that can't be undone. One year for being a savage? And to think there are people serving more time than that for selling a plant that makes you feel good.

Just Because: What a Broken Ankle Looks Like

This little bit of nastiness happened last night when Darren Elkins went for a double-leg take-down on Duane Ludwig during their UFC on Versus bout. When Ludwig tried to stuff the attempt the two fighters fell in a heap, and the above shot was the result. Ouch, eh? Elkins had this to say to UFC.com after the fight:

"I felt him tap so I knew something was wrong. Then I seen on the big screen that his leg was snapped. It sucks to win a fight like this. I wanted to put on a show. It's an unfortunate event but these things happen in fighting all the time."

Apparently the injury could be career-ending, which probably hurts more than the injury itself. Back to the drawing board for Ludwig.

Just Because: Jon Jones Gets In Brandon Vera's Face @ UFC On Versus Weigh-In

Whether you're a fan of mixed martial arts or not even you can see there were two completely different caliber of fighters that showed up for the weigh-ins as the UFC gets set to brings its own special brand of stylized violence to Versus tonight.

See how Jones gets all up in Vera's face, as if to say "Look bitch, shit's about to get real and I'm all about true crime." And see how Vera tries to back him off as if to say "Look man, I'm only in this for the money. Take it easy and try not to destroy my cheekbones."

Said Jones about the encounter:

"I just really don't like Brandon as a person. I just think he's disrespectful. I think he's arrogant. I think he's full of himself...I guess I let his arrogance get under my skin a little bit. It's just a learning experience. In the future I'll deal with talkers better."

Jones wants this win. Vera? Vera just wants to get out of the cage with his nose in the same place.

The Friday Ker-Plunk

• The creepiest broad I've seen since Wednesday morning. 151 is a bitch I tell you.
• Dude shoots a stream of fire from his ass. No more Bell for you my man.
• The grim ginger is at it again.
• One of these things doesn't belong.
• Boobies and kittens. Boobies. And. Kittens.
• Link Froggy. Ribbit.
• Dakota Fanning is almost there. Give it a few more years and she'll be primed.
• Jenni Hendrix and Taylor Vixen are in heat and half naked. Go see.
• Shay LaRen flaunting those huge, floppy milk bags. She's also wearing leather boots.
• More naughty girlfriends with great asses. Great I say.
• Go vote for your favorite slutty girlfriend and see if you can't win her some money. Or something.
• Nothing more classy than a fat hillbilly going down on Paul Bunyan.
• Look! They made a movie about your early years.
• The UFC gets banned in Germany. Apparently that whole Nazi thing left a bad taste in their mouths.
• The NHL needs more women in bikinis. Now.

The Friday Ker-Plunk

• Corey Haim is dead and this is what he left to the world.
• Sexy, slutty, sweaty and sultry cheerleaders.
• Sexy -- and one not-too-sexy unless you're into big green things -- babes in t-shirts.
• This is what Pac-Man should have looked like.
• Easily the most cringe-inducing toilet paper dispenser in the history of doo-doo.
• Jessica Simpson bent over and showing that deep cleavage.
• Cute college girl Michelle. She's a freshman, which means she's up for all kinds of dirty shit.
• Rope: For those times she says no.
• GotGisele is live, and her rack is massive.
• Erin Marie Hogan topless in Paranormal Entity.
• Kim Kardashian's big, fat ass in FHM Australia.
• Amateur girlfriend's with juicy booties.
• Does this naughty amateur deserve your vote? Click through and find out.
• Find tons of hot, lonely women in your area looking for a fling. No shit.
• Alistair Overeem has no problem with kicking a little girl.
• Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland blows. Here's proof.
• Sexy cutie shakes her tight little booty.

Just Because: Shannon Rich Plays Some Sweet Chin Music

If you're going to go out in a mere 15 seconds you might as well go out in style, and nothing says "posh" quite like catching a superkick to the mush.

For the record this happened at Shark Fights 2 in December of 2008. Why are we just hearing about it now? Who knows, but it's better late than. . .eh, fuck it. You know the rest.

Just Because: Miguel Torres' Forehead Vagina

This little bit of nastiness happened on Saturday night at WEC 47 when Joseph Benavidez opened up a geyser on Miguel Torres' forehead before ending his night with a guillotine choke. Nice eh?

A view of the inside of Torres' forehead -- as well as the stitched up aftermath -- is after the jump, so if you're eating -- or are thinking about eating within the next couple of hours or so -- or sitting in your cubicle at work then I highly suggest giving it a little time and then coming back later. Seriously, shit ain't pretty yo.

The Friday Ker-Plunk

• Seriously people, it's only a fucking video game.
• Susana Spears + the great outdoors + t & a = one hot photo shoot.
• A soccer ball you can fuck. No, really.
• Even victims of spousal abuse need a little motivation sometimes.
• Teresa Palmer looking tit-tastic on the red carpet.
• Ferfucksakes! Can you blonde women do anything right?
• Here, have some slut stew.
• A Viagra commercial they should have used.
• Blonde knockout Scarlett showing off that luscious rack of hers.
• Tons of hot girlfriends are awaiting your vote.
• Shit! I think I see my ex in there!
• Some Elizabeth Hurley no bra see-through action.
• Chuck Liddell has finally lost his shit.
• It's official: Women all over the world do dumb shit.

Just Because: MMA Stare-Down Compilation

Does anything really do an MMA stare-down compilation justice quite like Bad by Michael Jackson? I submit that no, noting does. Noting at all.

Part 2 is here, but the music isn't that great.

"Protect Yourself At All Times" Is Not a Euphemism

Things weren't exactly going swimmingly for WEC's Chris "The Polish Hammer" Horodecki the other night, and in the middle of getting his ass kicked by Anthony Njokuani he did the unthinkable and turned his back on his opponent. Bad joo-joo.

The end result was a swift kick to the mush, a broken sinus and right orbital bone and the never-ending inquiry from friends and strangers alike: Hey dumb ass; what the fuck were you thinking?

Just Because: What a 5-Round Beat Down Looks Like

For those of you not up on the MMA game this is what lightweight challenger and consummate douche bag Diego Sanchez looked like after getting absolutely destroyed by BJ Penn on Saturday night. It was one of the most lopsided matches in mixed martial arts history, and no amount of positive thinking could change that fact.

Hey Diego, nice vagina. No, I mean the one on your forehead. Yes!

Why Rampage Jackson Should Stick To (Real) Fighting

If this video of Rampage Jackson's performance in the movie Death Warrior is any indication then he'll be back in the UFC -- or some other mixed martial arts promotion -- before the Screen Actors Guild can rescind their acceptance of his application. Seriously man, this guy just doesn't have the acting chops to garner a second look let alone a second audition.

How he scored the part of B.A. Baracus in the new A-Team flick is beyond me, but I'm guessing it had something to do with dry humping.

"You have to kill me for my boy! Or at the very least so I'll never have to suffer the indignity of watching this shit on YouTube!"

The Worst Sucker Punch In the History of MMA

The sport of mixed martial arts is a nasty business, and if I've learned one thing from watching it year after year it's this: You have to be one crazy bastard with balls the size of cantaloupes to step into a cage with another son of a bitch just as crazy and with balls just as big.

With that being said I think it's safe to say that dude in the video above takes the word crazy, slathers peanut butter on its ass and fucks it with a rubber chicken. Not only does he grossly overreact to one of the least offensive gestures ever but he does it in such a way that pretty much ensures he'll never fight again. At least not in a professional, sanctioned capacity.

And that's the humorous part about this video. All the guy had to do was wait another couple seconds and he could have tried to knock the 'hawk out legally, but instead of being a man about the situation -- or catching the kiss, tucking it away in his glove and then giving it back the second he won the fight legitimately -- he took the punk route and earned himself the title of biggest bitch in the history of MMA.

Take a bow dickhead. You earned it.

Even As An Infant Brock Lesnar Could Swallow Food Whole

When I opened my email this morning -- between coughing so hard I blew snot bubbles and accidentally dribbling scalding hot coffee on the crotch of my sweatpants -- I opened a message from someone calling him or herself "pooperscooper49882" and was immediately smacked in the face with this picture of a fairly young Brock Lesnar doing his best Ram Man impersonation. How cute.

And that graphic at the lower left corner isn't really the WWE emblem; it's a chunk of rib meat left over from his noon feeding.

Brock Lesnar Travels Back In Time For UFC 106

For anyone not yet convinced that Brock Lesnar is the real life version of the fucking Terminator have a gander at this video of him smashing sparring partners, keeping pad manufacturers in business and generally turning the few remaining weeks leading up to UFC 106 into a waking nightmare for Shane Carwin.

I'm not one to advocate punking out like a bitch, but unless Carwin is able to smash open Lesnar's head and pull out his processor -- or at the very least has Linda Hamilton on his side -- then he's in for the kind of beating that still has Frank Mir tapping in his sleep.

Kimbo vs. Nelson Is Nothing Short of Disappointing

The UFC hype machine was trundling along all week, touting this fight as "the most anticipated fight in TUF history." So was all the pomp and circumstance warranted? Are you kidding?

I hope Kimbo learns a thing or two from the other guys in the house, otherwise it's back to brawling in abandoned boat yards on YouTube for his scraggly ass. Seriously man, you couldn't get out of a crucifix? Granted, he had the the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man laying on top of him, but it's not like he's the most skilled fighter in the house either.

After this sham of a competition was over Nelson walked over to where UFC president Dana White was sitting and demanded a Whopper without pickles, to which White responded with:

"I let my daughter pin me down and hit me. That's the kind of shots he was hitting Kimbo with. This guy is acting like the whole world should be blown away by the performance he put on. He did just enough to win and not get hurt."

Sounds like someone shit the money bed.

Oh, and just as an aside, Rampage is seriously one funny son of a bitch.

Douche Bag Bully Gets Beat Down by Andrei Arlovski

If you're still on the fence as to whether or not this show is authentic here's a quote taken from Donovan Craig, editor of Fight Magazine. He just happened to be sitting in on the taping of this show when it all went down and was able to catch this small psychological nugget offered up by the bully -- or "Big Nasty" as he so eloquently deemed himself -- as the doctors were checking him out backstage:

“Ya’ll are mean, dawg. When I heard them say Andrei Arlovski I thought it was a joke. That was fucked up.”

But it wasn't as fucked up as your poor attempt at intimidation, you floppy douche bag. Did you really think you were going to send a former UFC heavyweight champion running for the bathroom in fear after getting in his face and flapping your flabby dicksucker at him? The guy's a fucking trained killer, and you get in his face with that street jive bullshit? You might as well have just bent over and let him put his foot in your ass. It would have saved you a lot of time and humiliation.

Big nasty indeed. In your britches.