Did She Dried?

The above title was lifted from the comments section for the video you're about to watch, and the only reason I use it (other than it being the only humorous play on the annoying-as-fuck meme "did he died") is because I'm tired as hell and in no mood whatsoever to try and come up with something catchy on my own.

But, hey, whatever right? If millions of douche bags can steal (and beat to death) some other illiterate asshole's attempt at humor then why can't I steal some nameless 'net troll's attempt at being ironic?

And speaking of irony, how many of you out there have drank to the point of stupification (yeah, I made that shit up) and actually thought that mashing yourself into a clothes dryer seemed like a good idea? Really? You have? Well then you have something in common with this silly broad.

Ironic, eh? Video after the jump.

Lindsey Vonn Has the "Instinct" For Smokin' Hot Magazine Shoots

Most of you know Lindsey Vonn as the first American woman to win the gold medal in the downhill at the 2010 Winter Olympics (and if you didn't before you do now, ya knucklehead). Some of you might also know her as the girl that broke your heart, but that was back in high school when you were all awkward and didn't know how to talk to girls. Seriously dude, don't blame yourself.

Well thanks to ESPN The Magazine after today you'll also know Little Miss Vonn as the girl who took Sharon Stone's iconic role in Basic Instinct, wrapped it in a dynamite coat, blew it the fuck up and then stomped all over the resulting carnage. And yes, she even shows us the money shot (albeit inadvertently and while wearing some pretty white panties).

Super-duper sexy behind-the-scenes video with said panty shot is after the jump, and please do everyone a favor and try not to get any on yourself. Pervert.

Ho-Ho-Holy Shit, How Did I Wake Up With My Pants Down?

Jesus Harold Christ, can you believe Christmas is right around the corner? It seems like just yesterday I was snapping shots of unsuspecting women sunbathing in their backyards. My, how time flies.

(NOTE: If you're ever in a position where you think getting just a little bit closer to a half-conscious, half naked girl is worth it to "get a better angle," do yourself a favor and stay put. For some reason hovering over a bikini-clad babe while snapping pictures of her ass is frowned upon by pretty much everyone. Who knew neighborhood watch was a real thing?)

Anyway, here we are once again, when the kids are even more obnoxious and your alcoholic parents make even bigger assholes of themselves. Thanks Budweiser!

And speaking of obnoxious alcoholics, check out the Santa impersonator below. Seems like the ol' Christmas "cheer" was imbibed quite liberally at the North Pole this year. Either that or The Grinch spiked Mr. Claus' eggnog, which, as we all know, The Grinch is apt to do. Last year I caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

At least I think it was him. The Grinch is black right? Video after the jumpety-jump-jump, jumpety-jump.

"Comedy" Is In the Eye of the Beholder

Every day -- I'm not kidding here. Every. Fucking. Day. -- someone does something so inherently stupid in my general vicinity that one can't help but stare in slack-jawed silence. Case in point: This dickhead. Apparently this took place in an Apple store, and while I'm sure dude is simply trying to be funny and score some kind of reaction from onlookers for the most part everyone just keeps their distance, presumably out of fear that if they stepped in and told him to knock off the nonsense they'd feel the wrath of four days worth of meth tweak.

My favorite part? It's at the 4:00 mark when the spawn of Shrek walks up and simply stares at Tweeky McTweekerson as if to say "Dude, my sense of humor is as underdeveloped as your brain, and even I don't find this shit funny."

Comedy is supposed to be funny. This, my friends, isn't it. Video after the jump.

Retarded Game Garners Even More Retarded Reaction

Listen guys (and some gals), if you get so into a video game that after losing your only recourse is to smash your ridiculously expensive television then it's time to open the shades a bit, stretch your atrophied limbs and shamble your silly ass back into the land of the living. Look! There's an entire world out there that doesn't revolve around high score combos and +Dmg. I know, amazing isn't it? And here's the point to remember: If you stick around long enough you might even acquire real friends with real personalities. Oh, and girls. Don't forget the girls. No, you inept jackass, I'm not talking about these kind of girls. I'm talking about the kind of girls who don't find Call of Duty: Black Ops and a meat lovers pizza the perfect date.

Trust me Mulder, they are out there. Believe.

"A" For Effort, "F" For Totally Fucking Useless

I know it's been a while since I graced you all with my presence, but between moving for the quadrillionth (?) time in 10 years and teaching indigent septuagenarians how to crochet their own diapers I've been busier than Robert Downey, Jr. at a frat party. Yes, that busy. But alas I have returned to force feed you all with the sort of mindless nonsense you've all come to know and love -- people doing dumb shit and girls dressed in skimpy clothes. Oh yes ladies and gentlemen, it's party time.

Now I know I'm brash sometimes and the words I sling around aren't for everyone, but when you spend as much time as I have being exposed to and ultimately judging the general dumbfuckery going on in this spinning cesspool we call Earth you develop a certain level of disdain for pretty much everyone around you. Hell, even my immediate family isn't safe.

But enough of this getting reacquainted shit. It's time to get down to business, and what better way to kick things off than by watching the following douche bag attempt what can only be described as a bitch move and fail. Miserably. It's good to be back dickheads.

Bag, Meet Bag

I don't even need to comment on this video clip. Just kick back and let the funny force fuck your eyeballs. Seriously, don't fight it; you're going to love it.

Later, War Machine

The uber-douche known around the MMA world as War Machine -- that's his real name by the way; he had it legally changed from Jon Koppenhaver -- is going to be kicking back for about a year in the county jail for his involvement in the above video, and all I can say about that is: It's not enough time.

This guy is beyond a menace, and were it not for the fact that he's a trained mixed martial artist his entire existence would be about as useful as your fucking appendix. He was kicked out of the UFC for talking shit about the death of fellow UFC fighter Evan Tanner, he tried his, uh, hand in the porn business before attacking his fellow porn "actors" during a party, and got arrested on another occasion for his involvement in a brawl inside a gay nightclub. Yeah, he's a total fucking tool.

Said Machine -- Christ, I can barely bring myself to type that -- on his Twitter feed about his time off from life:

"Weak! Looks like Ill be doing a year in San Diego County jail. Prolly gonna go in about 2 weeks..ugh. Gonna be SO boring! No delicious food, no training, no wifee, no friends. Whatever tho when I get out my partners and I will be opening our sick gym in Austin Texas and Ill be righ back to fighting. Jail is DUMB. All it does is press the PAUSE button on your life. What's it supposed to teach you? Anyway, who knows some bad ass books I should read!?"

So what's this guy's deal? Is it because he didn't get enough hugs as a child? Does he have some chemical imbalance in his brain that causes him to act out in totally inappropriate manners? Or is it because a chimp mistook his head for a football and tried to fuck it?

Who knows, and honestly who cares? Get rid of this jackass before he does something that can't be undone. One year for being a savage? And to think there are people serving more time than that for selling a plant that makes you feel good.

I "Saw" a Big, Flapping Douche Bag

Jesus Christ on a ten-speed. . .uh, tricycle. Not only did this dickhead spoof one of the lamest horror movie franchises to ever come burping out of Hollywood's gaping maw but he clearly let one of his "friends" get to that thing before he did.

That shit had "preconceived setup" written all over it.

Not Mad Skillz Yo

This knucklehead just might be the most poetically gifted sum-bitch I've ever had the pleasure of listening to.

You know, for a mentally handicapped hood rat that bears more than a striking resemblance to LL Cool J.

Really man? Your penis is kind of small? She's mad because she caught you fucking her dad? Why not just go one small step further and let the entire world know that you also like sewing and piss while sitting down.

Front runner for douche bag of 2010? Methinks so.

He Didn't Need That Kidney Anyway

Listen, I have a confession to make. I think most people are fucking idiots. Seriously, I have nothing good to say about most of you. People willingly subject themselves to the most ridiculous shit possible and they never seem to learn a lesson. Case in point:



You'd think this stupid ass kid would have realized that attempting a stunt he was clearly ill-prepared to perform was a tad on the dumb side, but as you saw in the above video -- not to mention the plethora of clips currently bouncing around the millions of email boxes around the Internet -- brains are certainly not a pre-requisite to strapping on a pair or roller-blades.

I hope it hurt, and if it didn't I eagerly volunteer to help make it hurt next time.

With a bat.

Have a Nice Trip

Hey, at least my man got on TV. Some people try their whole lives to get on camera and never make it.

You'll Get Better Results With Multiple Reps Guys

I've never been much of a fitness goon -- my idea of exercise is trying to keep up with my girlfriend while she shops for the best bargains at the mall -- but I'm pretty sure you're supposed to bang out multiple reps for the most promising results boys and girls.

Then again maybe this is some kind of new shit these two dreamed up. Maybe this is something so fucking cool we don't even know it yet. They could be filming the newest sensation in workout videos and we could all be sitting here laughing our asses off at a couple of millionaires in the making. Seriously, this shit could be workout gold. You know, do one sit-up, crash to the floor and see who expends the most energy -- not to mention burns the most calories -- getting back to their feet.

Package it, slap a stupid name on it and start selling it to all the fat housewives that actually fork over their rich husbands' money for those ridiculous workout videos in the first place. Seriously, if you told them it would help them lose that humongous shitter of theirs they'd eat chalk.

Big Boy Go Boom

Funny. Hilarious. Great. These are just a few of the words that flash through my brain when watching the above clip. Want some more? How about douche. Stupid. Total fucking moron. No more eyebrows. I could go on with the descriptives all day long. Do I have to? Of course not. A clip this pants-shittingly funny needs no description. It needs no introduction. Simply kick back and let the comedy molest your retinas.

Oh stop; you love it.

Teeth Are Highly Overrated Anyway Hun

Let's be perfectly honest here; she probably would have lost them in a few years anyway. I mean one can only smoke that shit for so long before it breaks down the enamel in the teeth, so when you think about it she was just getting a jump on what the crack would have eventually done. She's a forward thinker.

Just Because: Cam Janssen vs. Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond Goes For Over 2 Minutes

Have you ever been in a fight that went longer than 30 seconds? Hell, have you ever been in a wrestling match with your brother or best friend that went longer than 30 seconds? It's a fucking nightmare for the cardiovascular system with all that tussling and jockeying for position. At the end of it all you're out of breath, sweating profusely and -- depending on your possible state of inebriation -- in need of a good yack. It's enough to make you tired just thinking about it.

Add about ten pounds of hockey equipment, some ice skates, thousands of screaming fans and a running time of over two minutes and you get the following video. Kind of adds a new element to the whole "Shit, I'm tired!" aspect don't you think?

Just Because: Jon Jones Gets In Brandon Vera's Face @ UFC On Versus Weigh-In

Whether you're a fan of mixed martial arts or not even you can see there were two completely different caliber of fighters that showed up for the weigh-ins as the UFC gets set to brings its own special brand of stylized violence to Versus tonight.

See how Jones gets all up in Vera's face, as if to say "Look bitch, shit's about to get real and I'm all about true crime." And see how Vera tries to back him off as if to say "Look man, I'm only in this for the money. Take it easy and try not to destroy my cheekbones."

Said Jones about the encounter:

"I just really don't like Brandon as a person. I just think he's disrespectful. I think he's arrogant. I think he's full of himself...I guess I let his arrogance get under my skin a little bit. It's just a learning experience. In the future I'll deal with talkers better."

Jones wants this win. Vera? Vera just wants to get out of the cage with his nose in the same place.

You Have Got to Be Kidding Me

Some people are undoubtedly going to see this video and feel sorry for this broad. Not I. You see, this ridiculous waste of space did that to herself, so the only ones I feel sorry for are the people who are footing the bill while she sits on her plump ass and collects public assistance. Call me an asshole, call me an uncaring son of a bitch, or call me a piece of shit. But don't, for the love of god, call me to help lift this woman when she keels the fuck over and dies.

Next Time Use a Little Less Weight Tough Guy

I know it's not nice to laugh at people but I'm still wiping the tears from my eyes after watching Arnold Ham-N-Egger here dust his own jaw with that pull-down bar.

Let this be a lesson to everyone; whenever you start a workout make sure to check all wires and pulleys, otherwise you're sure to end up like this choad. Either that or don't fucking record yourself doing it.

Better safe than sorry, eh?

Reporter Gets Pissy On Live TV

Technical Difficulties On Live Newscast - Watch more Funny Videos
You know, it really cracks me up when reporters get all bent out of shape. I mean what do they have to be miserable about? They stand in front of a camera and read cue cards ferchrisakes! I would understand if they actually had to do some real work and it didn't exactly come off as planned, but dude in that video above is probably doing his job in a pair of fucking shorts. Try working in a factory Mr. Pissy Pants. Or busting your ass in a warehouse for minimum wage. How about taking care of five unruly kids with no help at all.

Seems to me you have it pretty easy there dickhead, so next time you feel the need to make yourself look like a total jackass -- on live television no less -- why not take a moment and think about all of the hard-working people out there who don't get paid thousands of dollars a week and actually have a reason to throw a temper tantrum.