Julie Bowen's Twins Are Hungry; Why Not Post It On the Internet

I'm torn between being jealous of a couple of boob suckers and being a little disgusted that this broad felt the need to post this shit on the Internet. I'd actually be pissed if this wasn't such a blatant attempt at garnering some e-attention (or ettention; go ahead and use it on your friends). Nice rack though. Kind of NSFW image after the hump. . .I mean jump.

Ho-Ho-Holy Shit, How Did I Wake Up With My Pants Down?

Jesus Harold Christ, can you believe Christmas is right around the corner? It seems like just yesterday I was snapping shots of unsuspecting women sunbathing in their backyards. My, how time flies.

(NOTE: If you're ever in a position where you think getting just a little bit closer to a half-conscious, half naked girl is worth it to "get a better angle," do yourself a favor and stay put. For some reason hovering over a bikini-clad babe while snapping pictures of her ass is frowned upon by pretty much everyone. Who knew neighborhood watch was a real thing?)

Anyway, here we are once again, when the kids are even more obnoxious and your alcoholic parents make even bigger assholes of themselves. Thanks Budweiser!

And speaking of obnoxious alcoholics, check out the Santa impersonator below. Seems like the ol' Christmas "cheer" was imbibed quite liberally at the North Pole this year. Either that or The Grinch spiked Mr. Claus' eggnog, which, as we all know, The Grinch is apt to do. Last year I caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

At least I think it was him. The Grinch is black right? Video after the jumpety-jump-jump, jumpety-jump.

"Comedy" Is In the Eye of the Beholder

Every day -- I'm not kidding here. Every. Fucking. Day. -- someone does something so inherently stupid in my general vicinity that one can't help but stare in slack-jawed silence. Case in point: This dickhead. Apparently this took place in an Apple store, and while I'm sure dude is simply trying to be funny and score some kind of reaction from onlookers for the most part everyone just keeps their distance, presumably out of fear that if they stepped in and told him to knock off the nonsense they'd feel the wrath of four days worth of meth tweak.

My favorite part? It's at the 4:00 mark when the spawn of Shrek walks up and simply stares at Tweeky McTweekerson as if to say "Dude, my sense of humor is as underdeveloped as your brain, and even I don't find this shit funny."

Comedy is supposed to be funny. This, my friends, isn't it. Video after the jump.

Retarded Game Garners Even More Retarded Reaction

Listen guys (and some gals), if you get so into a video game that after losing your only recourse is to smash your ridiculously expensive television then it's time to open the shades a bit, stretch your atrophied limbs and shamble your silly ass back into the land of the living. Look! There's an entire world out there that doesn't revolve around high score combos and +Dmg. I know, amazing isn't it? And here's the point to remember: If you stick around long enough you might even acquire real friends with real personalities. Oh, and girls. Don't forget the girls. No, you inept jackass, I'm not talking about these kind of girls. I'm talking about the kind of girls who don't find Call of Duty: Black Ops and a meat lovers pizza the perfect date.

Trust me Mulder, they are out there. Believe.

"A" For Effort, "F" For Totally Fucking Useless

I know it's been a while since I graced you all with my presence, but between moving for the quadrillionth (?) time in 10 years and teaching indigent septuagenarians how to crochet their own diapers I've been busier than Robert Downey, Jr. at a frat party. Yes, that busy. But alas I have returned to force feed you all with the sort of mindless nonsense you've all come to know and love -- people doing dumb shit and girls dressed in skimpy clothes. Oh yes ladies and gentlemen, it's party time.

Now I know I'm brash sometimes and the words I sling around aren't for everyone, but when you spend as much time as I have being exposed to and ultimately judging the general dumbfuckery going on in this spinning cesspool we call Earth you develop a certain level of disdain for pretty much everyone around you. Hell, even my immediate family isn't safe.

But enough of this getting reacquainted shit. It's time to get down to business, and what better way to kick things off than by watching the following douche bag attempt what can only be described as a bitch move and fail. Miserably. It's good to be back dickheads.

Later, War Machine

The uber-douche known around the MMA world as War Machine -- that's his real name by the way; he had it legally changed from Jon Koppenhaver -- is going to be kicking back for about a year in the county jail for his involvement in the above video, and all I can say about that is: It's not enough time.

This guy is beyond a menace, and were it not for the fact that he's a trained mixed martial artist his entire existence would be about as useful as your fucking appendix. He was kicked out of the UFC for talking shit about the death of fellow UFC fighter Evan Tanner, he tried his, uh, hand in the porn business before attacking his fellow porn "actors" during a party, and got arrested on another occasion for his involvement in a brawl inside a gay nightclub. Yeah, he's a total fucking tool.

Said Machine -- Christ, I can barely bring myself to type that -- on his Twitter feed about his time off from life:

"Weak! Looks like Ill be doing a year in San Diego County jail. Prolly gonna go in about 2 weeks..ugh. Gonna be SO boring! No delicious food, no training, no wifee, no friends. Whatever tho when I get out my partners and I will be opening our sick gym in Austin Texas and Ill be righ back to fighting. Jail is DUMB. All it does is press the PAUSE button on your life. What's it supposed to teach you? Anyway, who knows some bad ass books I should read!?"

So what's this guy's deal? Is it because he didn't get enough hugs as a child? Does he have some chemical imbalance in his brain that causes him to act out in totally inappropriate manners? Or is it because a chimp mistook his head for a football and tried to fuck it?

Who knows, and honestly who cares? Get rid of this jackass before he does something that can't be undone. One year for being a savage? And to think there are people serving more time than that for selling a plant that makes you feel good.

Not Mad Skillz Yo

This knucklehead just might be the most poetically gifted sum-bitch I've ever had the pleasure of listening to.

You know, for a mentally handicapped hood rat that bears more than a striking resemblance to LL Cool J.

Really man? Your penis is kind of small? She's mad because she caught you fucking her dad? Why not just go one small step further and let the entire world know that you also like sewing and piss while sitting down.

Front runner for douche bag of 2010? Methinks so.

Giving New Meaning to the Term "Ass Face."

I. Have. No. Words.

And the sad part is these people actually used their fucking brains and came up with the idea. Mankind is doomed.

On No He Didn't

Oh yes he did. He even went with the deck shoes to help complete the picture.

I bet he has to beat the women off with a stick.

They the Realist

Want to know what the really sad part is? It's that these three knuckle-dragging skims probably score more trim than Home-fucking-Depot. Not because they're actually "pimp" or "dope" or whatever other ridiculous adjective they bandy about amongst each other, but because when women are in their presence they're so stupefied by what they're seeing that their brains automatically shut down to help preserve some level of sanity and the three pocket pirates above are allowed to simply have their way with them.

Granted, the experience usually only lasts a paltry 1-to-3 minutes, but as they say in the Navy: It only takes a few small drops of oil to contaminate an entire ship's fresh water supply. Or some shit like that. The point is the depths to which the above douchebaggery reaches is unfathomable.

Reporter Gets Pissy On Live TV

Technical Difficulties On Live Newscast - Watch more Funny Videos
You know, it really cracks me up when reporters get all bent out of shape. I mean what do they have to be miserable about? They stand in front of a camera and read cue cards ferchrisakes! I would understand if they actually had to do some real work and it didn't exactly come off as planned, but dude in that video above is probably doing his job in a pair of fucking shorts. Try working in a factory Mr. Pissy Pants. Or busting your ass in a warehouse for minimum wage. How about taking care of five unruly kids with no help at all.

Seems to me you have it pretty easy there dickhead, so next time you feel the need to make yourself look like a total jackass -- on live television no less -- why not take a moment and think about all of the hard-working people out there who don't get paid thousands of dollars a week and actually have a reason to throw a temper tantrum.

Four of a Kind = Lots of Douchebaggery

"Aw yeah dog, we be kickin' back and slammin' dem 40's when shiiiit, out pops my moms and tells us to hit the bricks. Damn yo, why she be hatin' so much? My boys and me can't be doggin' dem shorties without a place to kick it."

"Come on ya'll. I have a couch in the garage."

Weird Shit of the Day: Man Marries Pillow

I'm so totally not kidding. This guy married his fucking pillow. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, but the fact of the matter is he really did it. He. Married. A. Pillow. Granted, it had a picture of a real woman's face on it, but I just can't wrap my head around the fact that he married something that most sane people use to comfortably prop their heads up with when they sleep. Have a gander:

True love can take many forms. In this case, it has taken the form of a Korean man falling in love with, and eventually marrying, a large pillow with a picture of a woman on it.

Lee Jin-gyu fell for his 'dakimakura' - a kind of large, huggable pillow from Japan, often with a picture of a popular anime character printed on the side.

In Lee's case, his beloved pillow has an image of Fate Te More..starossa, from the 'magical girl' anime series Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha.

Now the 28-year-old otaku (a Japanese term that roughly translates to somewhere between 'obsessive' and 'nerd') has wed the pillow in a special ceremony, after fitting it out with a wedding dress for the service in front of a local priest. Their nuptials were eagerly chronicled by the local media.

'He is completely obsessed with this pillow and takes it everywhere,' said one friend.

'They go out to the park or the funfair where it will go on all the rides with him. Then when he goes out to eat he takes it with him and it gets its own seat and its own meal,' they added.

The pillow marriage is not the first similarly-themed unusual marriage in recent times - it comes after a Japanese otaku married his virtual girlfriend Nene Anegasaki, a character who only exists in the Nintendo DS game Love Plus, last November.

I'm not even going to comment on this ridiculous nonsense; just read the story above and let the weird molest your gray matter.

Every Dork's Wet Dream

Courtesy of my buddy over at Fat Kid At Camp.

Religious Nutbags Want Whale Stoned To Death

Every now and then a religious group pops up with something so ridiculous the general public -- read: the people that don't have their heads up their asses -- can't help but take notice. Case in point:

The American Family Association -- otherwise known as those creepy Jesus freaks -- want Tillikum stoned to death right along side the person who didn't stone it to death the first time it killed a human being. Yeah, I rolled my eyes as well. This ridiculous shit was taken from their blog:

"You are aware by now that a 12,000 pound killer whale at SeaWorld Orlando killed his trainer Dawn Brancheau yesterday by pulling her into a pool and dragging her around until she drowned, in front of a crowd of stunned guests.

Chalk another death up to animal rights insanity and to the ongoing failure of the West to take counsel on practical matters from the Scripture.

According to the Orlando Sentinel, "SeaWorld Orlando has always know that Tillikum...could be a particularly dangerous killer whale...because of his ominous history."

The Sentinel then recounts that Tilly, as he was affectionately known, had killed a trainer back in 1991 in front of spectators at a now defunct aquarium in Victoria, British Columbia.

Then in 1999 he killed a man who sneaked into SeaWorld to swim with the whales and was found the next morning draped dead across Tilly's back. His body had been bit and the killer whale had torn off his swimming trunks after he had died.

What about the term "killer whale" do SeaWorld officials not understand?

If the counsel of the Judeo-Christian tradition had been followed, Tillikum would have been put out of everyone's misery back in 1991 and would not have had the opportunity to claim two more human lives.

Says the ancient civil code of Israel, "When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable." (Exodus 21:28)

So, your animal kills somebody, your moral responsibility is to put that animal to death. You have no moral culpability in the death, because you didn't know the animal was going to go postal on somebody.

But, the Scripture soberly warns, if one of your animals kills a second time because you didn't kill it after it claimed its first human victim, this time you die right along with your animal. To use the example from Exodus, if your ox kills a second time, "the ox shall be stoned, and its owner also shall be put to death." (Exodus 21:29)

If I were the family of Dawn Brancheau, I'd sue the pants off SeaWorld for allowing this killer whale to kill again after they were well aware of its violent history.

SeaWorld is apparently, however, unrepentant. Chuck Thompson, its curator in charge of animal behavior, says Tilly continues to be "a valuable asset not only from a breeding standpoint but from a behavior standpoint, too." Chuck might want to ask Dawn's Mom what she thinks about that.

Thompson did add, helpfully, "I think we need to evaluate his behavior and everything that's happened up to this point." You're about 19 years too late, Chuck, and the blood of Dawn Brancheau is on your hands."

What the above nonsense fails to mention is that the dumb ass that wanted to "swim with the whales" actually broke into the enclosure in the middle of the night to swim with an animal he had absolutely no professional training with. The article also doesn't mention that whales are playful animals, and 12,000 pound behemoths just happen to play rough.

If that whale was able to talk I'm positive it would tell everyone that he wasn't being "malicious" or "evil" or any other superfluous adjective people have labeled him with, but was only trying to have some fun with his friends.

Then again maybe -- just maybe -- he didn't like being taken out of his natural habitat and made to do tricks for obnoxious throngs of people in the first place. Hell, if someone came and snatched me away from my home and forced me to do shit I was never intended for in the first place I'd have a bit of an attitude as well.

It was an accident. Accidents happen every day. We don't call for the death of someone when they're not paying attention and run a red light, accidentally killing a family of three. So why kill this animal? Because it's called a killer whale, so it must be a danger to all mankind?

The depths of human stupidity amazes me.

Crazy Prick Gets Stab Happy; No One Steps In To Help

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you exhibit A as to the lengths to which people will go to not have their perfect little lives affected by anything not directly involving them. Here we see some bat-shit crazy Chinaman getting stab-happy on anything with two legs, and as you can clearly see in the video not a single motherfucker steps in to help stop the violence.

This is why my stance on human decency -- or indecency -- hasn't and will never change. People are pieces of shit, and just because we have vocal cords and drive fancy cars doesn't mean we're any different from our club-swinging ancestors.

Mother of the Year This Woman Ain't

First let me just say that if you're easily upset or have a problem watching the depths to which human beings can sink then you might want to give this video a pass. Still here? Okie-dokie, but don't say I didn't warn you.

According to the news wire:

CCTV footage made available to the media yesterday shows the moment a Territory mother is alleged to have thrown her baby on to a concrete footpath.

Yesterday, the NT News told how a Darwin court lifted a suppression order on the film but refused to release it even though it was played in an open court last week.

It is alleged that the footage from the Palmerston bus exchange shows a woman throwing her 10-month-old baby on the ground after her partner left on a bus without her.

The woman - who cannot be named to protect the identity of the baby - pleaded not guilty to recklessly endangering serious harm to the child in Darwin Magistrates Court on Friday.

It is alleged she was drunk and had been arguing with her partner when she threw the baby.

In a police interview played to the court, she said she was "wild" with her partner and wanted to go home when she "dropped" the baby before others she was drinking with tried to take him away from her in May last year. Police found her and arrested her a little later.

Journalists from three media outlets sat in court while the video was played, but it was not until Friday afternoon and the video had been approved to be released that Dr Lowndes made an order suppressing its publication.

He closed the court while submissions were made on the suppression orders, and again when he gave his reasons for the orders.

He also closed the court while a lawyer representing the NT News argued for the orders to be revoked on Monday morning.

On Monday afternoon the NT News was told the footage would not be released.

But yesterday morning - after the story had been published - the video was released for publication and was made available to all media.

The woman's hearing will continue in June.

Now I've seen some pretty nasty business in my 31 years -- from shootouts to murders and everything in between -- but never have I seen such a blatant disregard for human decency and compassion than in the above video. Seriously people, what the fuck is wrong with some of you?

Typically I just take shit in and chalk it up to stupidity or some other form of inbred abnormality, but the woman in the video is neither human nor abnormal. She's a total abomination. If this is the type of thing she does in front of onlookers I can only imagine what passes for punishment in her twisted form of reality. And to plead not guilty with such a glaring contradiction staring her right in the face? Balls my friends. Big, brass balls.

I'll tell you this much; it was a good thing there were people there to stop her, because you can plainly see she was getting ready to spike that poor kid like a football.

Most of the time I'm wont to let the courts sort through their business but I don't think I'm alone in saying the legal process should be thrown out the window in this case and we should all take a few hours off of being calm and rational in order to pick up a rock or five and take aim at her maladjusted head.

It Doesn't Get Much More Douche-Tastic Than This

If you look up "douche bag" in the dictionary you'll invariably see an image of this choad stroking jackass -- or a variation of the same -- glaring back at you. From the ridiculous tattoos to the hat cocked haphazardly on his melon of a head to the tighty whitey-exposing way he wears his pants everything this dickhead has going for him looks like it was taken from Carrot Top's Guide On How to Make People Point and Laugh.

If you resemble this goof in any way I invite you to put on a blindfold and go play in rush-hour traffic because you're a fucking idiot and you're using up valuable oxygen. Seriously, make it happen post haste.

An Early Candidate For Douche Bag of the Year

Look kid, I'm pretty sure even God thinks you're a fucking choad, so next time you feel compelled to post a video of yourself railing against whatever perceived injustices your kind have been subjected to here's some advice: Stick to things like not enough chocolate in your milk or too many tits in your favorite style of porn. Otherwise do yourself a favor and. . .

Wait, do you own a gun?

Nice Face Art Bicface

You'd think with all the time and effort this ding-dong put into styling his facial hair he could have at least done something with those caterpillars on his forehead.

Nice lightning bolt douche bag.