Ho-Ho-Holy Shit, How Did I Wake Up With My Pants Down?

Jesus Harold Christ, can you believe Christmas is right around the corner? It seems like just yesterday I was snapping shots of unsuspecting women sunbathing in their backyards. My, how time flies.

(NOTE: If you're ever in a position where you think getting just a little bit closer to a half-conscious, half naked girl is worth it to "get a better angle," do yourself a favor and stay put. For some reason hovering over a bikini-clad babe while snapping pictures of her ass is frowned upon by pretty much everyone. Who knew neighborhood watch was a real thing?)

Anyway, here we are once again, when the kids are even more obnoxious and your alcoholic parents make even bigger assholes of themselves. Thanks Budweiser!

And speaking of obnoxious alcoholics, check out the Santa impersonator below. Seems like the ol' Christmas "cheer" was imbibed quite liberally at the North Pole this year. Either that or The Grinch spiked Mr. Claus' eggnog, which, as we all know, The Grinch is apt to do. Last year I caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

At least I think it was him. The Grinch is black right? Video after the jumpety-jump-jump, jumpety-jump.

"Comedy" Is In the Eye of the Beholder

Every day -- I'm not kidding here. Every. Fucking. Day. -- someone does something so inherently stupid in my general vicinity that one can't help but stare in slack-jawed silence. Case in point: This dickhead. Apparently this took place in an Apple store, and while I'm sure dude is simply trying to be funny and score some kind of reaction from onlookers for the most part everyone just keeps their distance, presumably out of fear that if they stepped in and told him to knock off the nonsense they'd feel the wrath of four days worth of meth tweak.

My favorite part? It's at the 4:00 mark when the spawn of Shrek walks up and simply stares at Tweeky McTweekerson as if to say "Dude, my sense of humor is as underdeveloped as your brain, and even I don't find this shit funny."

Comedy is supposed to be funny. This, my friends, isn't it. Video after the jump.

Retarded Game Garners Even More Retarded Reaction

Listen guys (and some gals), if you get so into a video game that after losing your only recourse is to smash your ridiculously expensive television then it's time to open the shades a bit, stretch your atrophied limbs and shamble your silly ass back into the land of the living. Look! There's an entire world out there that doesn't revolve around high score combos and +Dmg. I know, amazing isn't it? And here's the point to remember: If you stick around long enough you might even acquire real friends with real personalities. Oh, and girls. Don't forget the girls. No, you inept jackass, I'm not talking about these kind of girls. I'm talking about the kind of girls who don't find Call of Duty: Black Ops and a meat lovers pizza the perfect date.

Trust me Mulder, they are out there. Believe.

"A" For Effort, "F" For Totally Fucking Useless

I know it's been a while since I graced you all with my presence, but between moving for the quadrillionth (?) time in 10 years and teaching indigent septuagenarians how to crochet their own diapers I've been busier than Robert Downey, Jr. at a frat party. Yes, that busy. But alas I have returned to force feed you all with the sort of mindless nonsense you've all come to know and love -- people doing dumb shit and girls dressed in skimpy clothes. Oh yes ladies and gentlemen, it's party time.

Now I know I'm brash sometimes and the words I sling around aren't for everyone, but when you spend as much time as I have being exposed to and ultimately judging the general dumbfuckery going on in this spinning cesspool we call Earth you develop a certain level of disdain for pretty much everyone around you. Hell, even my immediate family isn't safe.

But enough of this getting reacquainted shit. It's time to get down to business, and what better way to kick things off than by watching the following douche bag attempt what can only be described as a bitch move and fail. Miserably. It's good to be back dickheads.

Bag, Meet Bag

I don't even need to comment on this video clip. Just kick back and let the funny force fuck your eyeballs. Seriously, don't fight it; you're going to love it.

Later, War Machine

The uber-douche known around the MMA world as War Machine -- that's his real name by the way; he had it legally changed from Jon Koppenhaver -- is going to be kicking back for about a year in the county jail for his involvement in the above video, and all I can say about that is: It's not enough time.

This guy is beyond a menace, and were it not for the fact that he's a trained mixed martial artist his entire existence would be about as useful as your fucking appendix. He was kicked out of the UFC for talking shit about the death of fellow UFC fighter Evan Tanner, he tried his, uh, hand in the porn business before attacking his fellow porn "actors" during a party, and got arrested on another occasion for his involvement in a brawl inside a gay nightclub. Yeah, he's a total fucking tool.

Said Machine -- Christ, I can barely bring myself to type that -- on his Twitter feed about his time off from life:

"Weak! Looks like Ill be doing a year in San Diego County jail. Prolly gonna go in about 2 weeks..ugh. Gonna be SO boring! No delicious food, no training, no wifee, no friends. Whatever tho when I get out my partners and I will be opening our sick gym in Austin Texas and Ill be righ back to fighting. Jail is DUMB. All it does is press the PAUSE button on your life. What's it supposed to teach you? Anyway, who knows some bad ass books I should read!?"

So what's this guy's deal? Is it because he didn't get enough hugs as a child? Does he have some chemical imbalance in his brain that causes him to act out in totally inappropriate manners? Or is it because a chimp mistook his head for a football and tried to fuck it?

Who knows, and honestly who cares? Get rid of this jackass before he does something that can't be undone. One year for being a savage? And to think there are people serving more time than that for selling a plant that makes you feel good.

I "Saw" a Big, Flapping Douche Bag

Jesus Christ on a ten-speed. . .uh, tricycle. Not only did this dickhead spoof one of the lamest horror movie franchises to ever come burping out of Hollywood's gaping maw but he clearly let one of his "friends" get to that thing before he did.

That shit had "preconceived setup" written all over it.

Not Mad Skillz Yo

This knucklehead just might be the most poetically gifted sum-bitch I've ever had the pleasure of listening to.

You know, for a mentally handicapped hood rat that bears more than a striking resemblance to LL Cool J.

Really man? Your penis is kind of small? She's mad because she caught you fucking her dad? Why not just go one small step further and let the entire world know that you also like sewing and piss while sitting down.

Front runner for douche bag of 2010? Methinks so.

Stanley Cup Parade Turns Into Grand Theft Auto

First and foremost let me just preface this by saying I live in Michigan and am a fervent Red Wings fan, so fuck Chicago. Seriously, right in their collective asses. You better live it up now, because you have another four decades or so to wait for another one.

With that being said what you're looking at above is the Stanley Cup parade all the bandwagon jumpers skipped work to attend. It's all party-hardy and revelry until the boys in blue decide policing drunk and disorderly Chicagoans just isn't enough fun and take to mowing them down on All Terrain Vehicles. The kicker? In all the excitement one overzealous oinker plows into one of his own.

Man -- or in this case woman -- down. What a fucking idiot.

Dumb Ass Kid Uses Head As Brakes

Let this be a lesson to you boys and girls: If a friend asks you if he should dial 911, never under any circumstances try to voice your opinion by blowing spit bubbles. It's hard to understand and most of us don't speak splat.

Either that or just wear a fucking helmet. Kind of makes sense, eh?

Giving New Meaning to the Term "Ass Face."

I. Have. No. Words.

And the sad part is these people actually used their fucking brains and came up with the idea. Mankind is doomed.

Fatty Can't Fly

I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the SPLAT!

He Didn't Need That Kidney Anyway

Listen, I have a confession to make. I think most people are fucking idiots. Seriously, I have nothing good to say about most of you. People willingly subject themselves to the most ridiculous shit possible and they never seem to learn a lesson. Case in point:



You'd think this stupid ass kid would have realized that attempting a stunt he was clearly ill-prepared to perform was a tad on the dumb side, but as you saw in the above video -- not to mention the plethora of clips currently bouncing around the millions of email boxes around the Internet -- brains are certainly not a pre-requisite to strapping on a pair or roller-blades.

I hope it hurt, and if it didn't I eagerly volunteer to help make it hurt next time.

With a bat.

Have a Nice Trip

Hey, at least my man got on TV. Some people try their whole lives to get on camera and never make it.

You'll Get Better Results With Multiple Reps Guys

I've never been much of a fitness goon -- my idea of exercise is trying to keep up with my girlfriend while she shops for the best bargains at the mall -- but I'm pretty sure you're supposed to bang out multiple reps for the most promising results boys and girls.

Then again maybe this is some kind of new shit these two dreamed up. Maybe this is something so fucking cool we don't even know it yet. They could be filming the newest sensation in workout videos and we could all be sitting here laughing our asses off at a couple of millionaires in the making. Seriously, this shit could be workout gold. You know, do one sit-up, crash to the floor and see who expends the most energy -- not to mention burns the most calories -- getting back to their feet.

Package it, slap a stupid name on it and start selling it to all the fat housewives that actually fork over their rich husbands' money for those ridiculous workout videos in the first place. Seriously, if you told them it would help them lose that humongous shitter of theirs they'd eat chalk.

Big Boy Go Boom

Funny. Hilarious. Great. These are just a few of the words that flash through my brain when watching the above clip. Want some more? How about douche. Stupid. Total fucking moron. No more eyebrows. I could go on with the descriptives all day long. Do I have to? Of course not. A clip this pants-shittingly funny needs no description. It needs no introduction. Simply kick back and let the comedy molest your retinas.

Oh stop; you love it.

On No He Didn't

Oh yes he did. He even went with the deck shoes to help complete the picture.

I bet he has to beat the women off with a stick.

You Forgot to Smile

Do you think these three aren't smiling because they're trying to look cool or because just before the shot was snapped they realized just how fucking ridiculous they looked? The only thing this picture needs is some greased up, popped collar douche bag and it would be complete.

Teeth Are Highly Overrated Anyway Hun

Let's be perfectly honest here; she probably would have lost them in a few years anyway. I mean one can only smoke that shit for so long before it breaks down the enamel in the teeth, so when you think about it she was just getting a jump on what the crack would have eventually done. She's a forward thinker.

The Friday Ker-Plunk

• The creepiest broad I've seen since Wednesday morning. 151 is a bitch I tell you.
• Dude shoots a stream of fire from his ass. No more Bell for you my man.
• The grim ginger is at it again.
• One of these things doesn't belong.
• Boobies and kittens. Boobies. And. Kittens.
• Link Froggy. Ribbit.
• Dakota Fanning is almost there. Give it a few more years and she'll be primed.
• Jenni Hendrix and Taylor Vixen are in heat and half naked. Go see.
• Shay LaRen flaunting those huge, floppy milk bags. She's also wearing leather boots.
• More naughty girlfriends with great asses. Great I say.
• Go vote for your favorite slutty girlfriend and see if you can't win her some money. Or something.
• Nothing more classy than a fat hillbilly going down on Paul Bunyan.
• Look! They made a movie about your early years.
• The UFC gets banned in Germany. Apparently that whole Nazi thing left a bad taste in their mouths.
• The NHL needs more women in bikinis. Now.