Saturday, August 29, 2009

The 16 Biggest Douche Bags In the History of Modern Cinema

We all watch movies for one simple reason: To be entertained. We want to watch buildings blow up or people get hacked into a dozen pieces, and every once in a while we like to slow it down and follow along as Tom Hanks overcomes one form of adversity or another. The guy knows how to pick 'em, what else can I say.

But for every Forrest Gump, Paul Edgecomb or The Dude -- characters we can actually root for -- there is that one persona that for, all intents and purposes, serves as nothing more than a stark reminder that our lives are much better off without people like them in it.

So without further ado I give you fine folks the top 16 douche bags in the history of modern cinema. I understand it's inevitable that some of you are going to disagree with my choices, so if you have one that you think belongs on this list or you think I included someone that shouldn't be please don't hesitate to say so in the comments section.

Now, on with the show.

15. Ice Man (Top Gun)

In a movie overflowing with shirtless jackasses flaunting their huge egos this guy effortlessly surpasses every single one of them. Were it not for the fact that he's pretty fucking good at operating a fighter jet he'd undoubtedly be accosting working mothers in the frozen food section at Wal-Mart.

Douchetastic Dialogue: "The plaque for the alternates is down in the ladies room."

Unequivocal Display of Douchebaggery:

14. Timothy Upham (Saving Private Ryan)

Listen, the guy cowered on the stairs -- with his fucking rifle and a plethora of ammunition -- as his "brother" fought and ultimately lost his life in what is easily one of the most maddening scenes ever captured on film. He's a douche bag of the highest order who is directly responsible for the death of his fellow serviceman, and no amount of self-discovery can ever take that away.

Douchetastic Dialogue: "Theirs not to reason why, theirs is but to do and die."

Unequivocal Display of Douchebaggery:

13. Jesus Quintana (The Big Lebowski)

First of all this walking punchline wears a purple pantsuit. If that's not enough to qualify as a douche bag I don't know what is. If you need more proof as to the extent of this guy's douchebaggery you need look no further than the life-and-death way he approaches a game that offers otherwise talentless slobs a chance at perfection.

Douchetastic Dialogue: "You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up."

Unequivocal Display of Douchebaggery:

12. Percy Wetmore (The Green Mile)

Any man -- no matter how spited he may have been -- who derives pleasure in orchestrating another man's brutal demise not only deserves the "douche bag" moniker but should have his 'nads plucked off with a pair of needle-nose pliers. Besides, the guy's name is Percy.

Douchetastic Dialogue: "I think of it as a bucket of piss to drown rats in. That's all. Anybody doesn't like it can kiss my ass."

Unequivocal Display of Douchebaggery:

11. Farva (Super Troopers)

He's brash, obnoxious and no matter how hard he tries he's always on the receiving end of his fellow troopers' practical jokes. His actions are also able to instill the uncontrollable urge in the viewer to bitch slap their television. On the other end of the spectrum he's quite possibly the only character in the history of moving pictures to turn a fast food order into a pants-shittingly good time, but that still doesn't diminish the fact that he's such a douche bag he actually has an insult named after him.

Douchetastic Dialogue: "Just cleaning out the old locker, she stinks like ass but I'll sure miss her. I guess you could say that about all my girls."

Unequivocal Display of Douchebaggery:

10. Zachary 'Sack' Lodge (Wedding Crashers)

Everyone has one of these douche bags perpetually straining the branches of their respective family tree. He pops up at every gathering with a narration about whatever self-serving agenda sounds appealing at the moment, but in reality he's spending his nights contemplating the benefits of a Stepford wife and figuring out new ways to fuck people out of their money.

Douchetastic Dialogue: "You know, you can just cut that psycho babble bullshit your mom tells you OK? You wanna help me out? Do ya? Do ya kid? Why don't you go get me a 7Up, OK? All right, 'cause I think I might get vulnerable again."

Unequivocal Display of Douchebaggery:

9. Johnny Lawrence (The Karate Kid)

Every kid has had to deal with his own personal version of this cinematic shithead. You know the type; he bullies all but the ones he deems worthy of his friendship, can't stand to lose the girl to anyone else, wears a perpetual scowl and knows no other way to convey what he's feeling than by stomping the piss out of the 90-pound weaklings. Oh yeah, he's a real tough guy.

Douchetastic Dialogue: "Yeah! Okay, here's your first lesson: how to take a FALL!"

Unequivocal Display of Douchebaggery:

8. John Kreese (The Karate Kid)

Where would snot nose little shits like Johnny Lawrence be without the tutelage of uber-douches like John Kreese? It's evident from his open disdain for the new kid that sensei Kreese was on the receiving end of more than a few bloody noses when he was younger and therefore wants to bansih the ghosts of dickheads past by turning Daniel into a staggering, stuttering mess.

Douchetastic Dialogue: "Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it? Pain does not exist in this dojo, does it? Defeat does not exist in this dojo, does it?"

Unequivocal Display of Douchebaggery:

7. Glen Gulia (The Wedding Singer)

Much like Zach Lodge from Wedding Crashers this giant jackass is a cheating, womanizing, my-shit-doesn't-stink type of douche bag. He also owns a Delorean minus a flux capacitor, and that's just fucking retarded.

Douchetastic Dialogue: (After knocking Robbie on his ass) "You know, you should write a song about this. You could call it "I got punched in the nose for sticking my face in other people's business."

Unequivocal Display of Douchebaggery:

6. Steve Stifler (American Pie Series)

Whether he's bestowing his friends with such pet names as "fuck face," berating them for being pussies or just trying to take advantage of impressionable freshman chicks there should be very little doubt in anyone's mind that Steve Stifler is a one-of-a-kind douche bag. He's the embodiment of every high school jock to ever earn a letter coupled with a 10-year-old's sense of humor. His mother is a MILF, but one has to seriously question her decision-making abilities when she opens her legs for the kind of guy that would produce a kid like Stifler.

Douchetastic Dialogue: "You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie. SUCK ME BEAUTIFUL!"

Unequivocal Display of Douchebaggery:

5. Chet Donnelly (Weird Science)

By their very nature older brothers are assholes. Wet willies, wedgies, and a vast array of name calling make up just a small portion of their torturous arsenal. There have been plenty of older brothers worthy of the douche bag moniker to grace the big screen over the years, but Chet Donnelly takes the cake and then smashes it in your face. He employs a mishmash of 'Nam-style sibling torture with his love for deadly weaponry, and if there's anything more frightening than a douche bag with a flattop I have yet to see it.

Douchetastic Dialogue: "You two donkey-dicks couldn't get laid in a morgue."

Unequivocal Display of Douchebaggery:

4. Biff Tannen (Back to the Future Series)

Most people think the 50's were a happier, more laid back chapter in America's illustrious history, and for the most part they're right. Except, of course, that in the era of malt shops and poodle skirts the douche bag was alive and quite well. Take Biff for example. His idea of a good time is engaging in attempted murder, sexual assault, extortion and lobbing racial epithets like water balloons. He's so obnoxious in fact that you'll wish you had a time traveling Delorean just so you can go back in time to run it up his ass.

Douchetastic Dialogue: "Since you're new here, I'm gonna cut you a break today. So, why don't you make like a tree and get outta here?"

Unequivocal Display of Douchebaggery:

3. Dominic Toretto (The Fast and the Furious, Fast & Furious)

In the movies Toretto is considered a hard ass, willing to throw down with anyone at the drop of a hat and just as eager to melt some fucking tires. In reality a guy like this is considered a douche bag, not because he thinks he's a hard ass but because he tries so hard to be. It's like watching a fat girl do sit-ups; the shit just doesn't work.

Douchetastic Dialogue: "I'm a boy who appreciates a good body, regardless of the make."

Unequivocal Display of Douchebaggery:

2. Fred O'Bannion (Dazed and Confused)

Fred O'Bannion from Dazed and Confused is overcompensation personified. He takes out all of his pent up aggression by chasing and terrorizing freshman, generally makes a nuisance of himself at every turn, and were it not for the fact that he blocks for the star quarterback even his so-called friends would hate his arrogant ass. He gets his comeuppance toward the end of the flick, but not before dousing everyone in a tidalwave of douche.

Douchetastic Dialogue: "What are you looking at? Huh? I'll kick your fucking ass, right now! What are you smiling at? Freshman faggot!"

Unequivocal Display of Douchebaggery:

1. Tie - Ed Rooney (Ferris Bueller's Day Off)

High school principals are notorious for being overly strict and humorless automatons, but never before has one forced entry into a students house in a creepy attempt to catch him in the act of skipping school. I'm sure a few have wanted to, but in this day and age of lawsuits and shoot-to-kill none of them have actually had the balls to go through with it. Enter Ed Rooney, the bastion of educational leaders everywhere. He's tough, he's mean, and he'll accost unsuspecting girls at the arcade.

Douchetastic Dialogue: "I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind."

Unequivocal Display of Douchebaggery:

1. Tie - Bill Lumbergh (Office Space)

We've all had bosses that have grated on our nerves, and that's what makes the character of Bill Lumbergh work so well. He's channels every self-important jackass we've ever worked for, rolls them up into a ball and fires them down our throats. The only thing that could quell our seething hatred for this guy would be stapling his lips to his face, and even then we'd still have to contend with those fucking suspenders.

Douchetastic Dialogue: "Oh, and remember, next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans."

Unequivocal Display of Douchebaggery:


  1. How could you forget Neidermier from Animal House

  2. owning a mint condition delorean is not retarded. In fact, it's quite a good collectors item to add to your collection. Definitely a relevant collector. Not retarded.

  3. Dude you need the guy from Happy Gilmore. He says the most douche tastic thing in the history of the universe: "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast" come on man.

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