Monday, August 17, 2009

The 5 Biggest Douche Bags In Recent Sports History

The wide world of sports is one filled to the outer reaches of its stratosphere with moments of sheer joy and debilitating pain. And overpriced beer. And cramped seating. And, well, you get the idea.

It's also filled with a lot of stupid people.

5. Tonya Harding

At the height of her figure skating career Tonya Harding wasn't one to fuck with. She won the U.S. Figure Skating Championships in 1991 after receiving the sport's first ever 6.0 for technical merit and then went on to place second to Kristi Yamaguchi in the World Championships, where she became the first American woman to perform a triple axel in competition. She was also:
  1. The first woman ever to do a triple axel in the short program.
  2. The first woman to do two triple axels in a single competition.
  3. The first ever to do a triple axel combination.
And then the dumb started.

Tonya Harding's career reads like a how-to guide on the myriad ways one can fuck up their shot at greatness, and it all takes place before she conspired to turn Nancy Kerrigan's knee caps into oat meal. For example:

While competing in the Skate America competition in 1993 Harding stopped midway through her free skate and complained to the referee that her skate blade had become loose. She was allowed to resume her program after her blades were checked by a skate technician, where he presumably told her she had a greater chance at spontaneously combusting than her skates had of falling apart. Later that same year Harding was scheduled to compete in a regional qualifying competition for the U.S. Championships, but before the event got underway organizers received an "anonymous assassination threat" against her. The USFSA then promptly told Harding to not even bother showing up, because fake or not they weren't about to deal with that kind of shit.

Random Act of Douchebaggery

4. Mike Tyson

What can be written about Mike Tyson's early boxing career that hasn't already been documented a million times over? Was he a bad ass? Absolutely. Was he feared? Without a doubt. Was he a great champion? Undeniably.

Did he erase all that good shit by displaying multiple public acts of lunacy? You're obviously not a fight fan.

In 1992 Tyson was convicted of sexually assaulting former Miss Black Rhode Island Desiree Washington in an Indianapolis hotel room. He would serve only three years of a 10-year sentence, after which he emerged from behind the steel bars a converted Muslim. He even had the cute hat to prove it. He then attempted to make a comeback, mostly by fighting nobodies and down-on-their-luck gamblers rounded up at the various casinos the bouts took place in.

Fast-forward a bit and Tyson is chewing on Evander Holyfield's head like something out of Critters, getting sent to prison again for assaulting two motorists after a traffic accident and exclaiming how hungry he was for Lennox Lewis' offspring. He then got a tattoo on his face, essentially making it that much easier for the cops to identify his loopy ass, so to say this guy lost his shit would be an understatement.

Tyson punctuated this madness by filing for bankruptcy in 2003, apparently because the multi-millions he made by using guy's heads as speed bags got pissed away on legal fees.

Random Act of Douchebaggery

3. Dennis Rodman

Once a member of the Detroit Pistons during the "Bad Boy" era, Dennis Rodman's meandering trip down Douche Lane started just before he was traded to the Spurs. After Detroit failed to make the playoffs in 1993 Rodman was found passed out in his car with a loaded rifle, which he later admitted in his autobiography was there in the off chance he wanted to turn his head into the world's largest party favor. Then, with three years and $11.8 million left on his contract with the Pistons Rodman demanded a trade. No problem, said Detroit, and off Rodman went to the land of steers and queers (according to R. Lee Ermey).

It was while Rodman was with the Spurs that things really started to get odd. Before the first game he shaved his hair and dyed it blond, and after that he changed hair colors more than Rosie O'Donnell changed her litter box.

Rodman would go on to cement his standing in the annals of the dumbest motherfuckers to ever get paid to play a kids game by headbutting referees, implying Larry Bird only received praise because he was white and using a cameraman's ball sack as his own personal shoe buffer.

Random Act of Douchebaggery

2. Sean Avery

When Sean Avery left the Detroit Red Wings mid-way through the 2002-03 season and ended up in Los Angeles, a large portion of the Wings fan base felt like they were losing an integral part of the team. He was tough, gritty and not afraid to lose a Chiclet or two. Plus the guy could put the puck in the net. Later, after Avery donned his pinstriped douche suit and turned a locker room interview into a Manwich commercial people started to alter their opinion of the guy.

Avery also holds the distinction of being the only player in the history of the NHL to have a rule amended in his honor. It's called, quite simply, The Avery Rule, and it was added to the rulebook after a 2008 playoff game between his New York Rangers and the New Jersey Devils. During a New York power play Avery completely disregarded the puck and stood facing Devils goalie Martin Brodeur, waving his arms and generally making a fool out of himself in an attempt to screen and frustrate him the net-minder. It didn't do anything except make Avery look like a complete fucking lunatic, and after the game was over NHL officials immediately sat down, put their heads together and agreed that if anyone ever pulled that silly shit again they'd have their dicks forcibly removed from their bodies with a pair of garden sheers. Or at the very least receive a two-minute penalty.

Random Act of Douchebaggery

1. Todd Bertuzzi

This was actually a tossup between Todd Bertuzzi and Marty McSorley based purely on their respective acts of on-ice assault, but considering Bertuzzi's victim still can't put on a pair of skates without being bombarded by Vietnam-like flashbacks I put him at the top of the list.

Now lest you think Bertuzzi is number one just because he fractured three vertebra in Steve Moore's neck and gave him a concussion, well, you'd be right. But come on, can anything -- whether on the ice, football field, baseball diamond, golf course, etc -- really compete with the following clip in terms of pure douchebaggery? I tried to come up with something and the closest I got was this.

Most Heinous Act of Douchebaggery


  1. Awesome choice for number one. I was watching that on TV when it happened.

  2. Rodman was a character.

    What about Rafael Palmeiro? Jose Canseco? Mark McGwire? Michael Vick?

  3. How bout Bret Farve?

  4. I second that Bret dude!

  5. Brett Favre today proves he is the biggest douche ever to play football.

  6. What about T.O.? The guy actually publically questioned Jeff Garcia's sexuality. Incase you guys don't know Jeff Garcia's wife is pretty hot.

  7. It was actually a tossup between Favre and Rodman, and I think we can all agree that Rodman is a much bigger douche bag than Favre.

    Favre might be a money-grubbing asshole, but that doesn't necessarily make him a douche bag.

    Or does it?