Douche bags, much like Mexicans, are literally everywhere. They're standing in front of us as we wait to buy groceries, they're sitting behind us as we try to enjoy a movie and they're sticking their fingers in our food at any number of fast food joints while their douche bag friends piss themselves with glee.
And they're breeding.
Douche bags rudely inject their own special brand of social poison into our lifeblood on a daily basis, and once that needle penetrates the skin we go from relatively calm and laid back to Bruce Banner in seconds, turning what should be a fairly painless and uneventful outing into an exercise in self control.
So without further ado, I give you the 5 types of douche bags we're apt to run into during the course of any given day.
5. The Obnoxious Cell Phone Douche Bag
There is nothing more annoying than sitting in a movie theater attempting to enjoy whatever classic film Hollywood chose to butcher that week when suddenly -- and usually when a pivotal plot point is about to unfold on-screen -- your concentration gets slap-chopped by the shrill yet somehow melodic sound of Mariah Carey's voice-cum-ringtone. And then, as an added bonus, the douche bag actually answers the phone and inconsiderately engages in conversation with the caller about the most trivial shit. And how do you know? Because they're sitting right fucking behind you.
4. The Tough Guy Douche Bag
The self-proclaimed "tough guy" is kind of like a skunk: When pressured he'll spray his stink -- "I'll kick your ass," "I used to take karate" etc. -- but when it comes down to it he's as dangerous as a hibernating squirrel. You can usually recognize these twits by the perpetual scowl etched across their bulbous foreheads, but don't worry about that; it's nothing more than an asinine defense mechanism the "tough guy" has perfected in an effort to avoid contact with other, more intelligent people.
3. The "I've Been Lifting" Douche Bag
This variety of douche is usually seen wearing the requisite wife beater, muscle shirt or a variation of the two and he spews constant mouth-shit about the weight lifting program he's on, how much he can bench and the intricacies of the lat pull. But don't be fooled; unlike the "tough guy" above this one watches UFC religiously and because his brain is the size of a walnut will actually take a swing at you. Simply duck, counter with a bitch slap or two to the face and sit back and laugh when his friends quickly break it up.
2. The Drunken Douche Bag
This jackass stumbles around parties and slobbers on people about how "wasted" he is, and all of this after only two or three beers. Later, after he's polished off half of his fourth six-pack -- the other half inevitably ended up soaking the front of his shirt -- he'll assure you he's cool to drive home just before he mistakes your recliner for a toilet and shits on it.
1. The Pitiful Douche Bag
These whining malcontents are constantly pissing and moaning about how their lives suck and invariably expect you to agree with them, and if you offer up any advice not cohesive with their self-centered sulking they immediately consider you "one of them" and become even more withdrawn. Meanwhile everything they complain about is readily controllable if they put forth the effort yet they choose to sit on their pitiful asses and blame others for their problems. These douche bags are easily the most annoying, and were it not for the fact that murder is illegal there would be less of them to deal with.