Thursday, August 20, 2009

Caution: Never Put Hands or Fingers Anywhere Near Spinning Blades

Gentlemen, I feel it's time we had a little sit-down. One on one, you and me. There's something we need to get situated. Ready? Here it comes:


Damn that felt good.

Anyway, it makes you look ridiculous, not cool. As a matter of fact you're not even in the same neighborhood as cool. Hell, not even in the same state. Put it this way: If cool was in Texas you'd be on the moon, buried face down under six feet of alien landscape and burrowing further still with your interplanetary super-douche drill. In other words not even close. Get it? You're so far from cool that if you got into a time machine and jumped ahead to your mid-forties -- which is presumably the age in which you'd reflect on a picture of yourself looking like Syndrome from The Incredibles and think, "Jesus, I look like a deranged cartoon character!" -- cool would still be about 10 years ahead, laughing it's cool ass off as you feebly attempt to catch up.

And let's be honest here; you want to catch up to cool. It is, after all, why you style your hair that way in the first place. Somewhere someone told you that in order to acheive what you've longed for since the day you came shooting out of your mother's busted birth canal you had to emmulate every other douche bag currently wasting valuable oxygen, and because you're one of the flock you jumped in head first.

Which is why you look so fucking stupid.

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