Ladies, for the most part, are able to discern a normal guy from a self-absorbed ball bag. Normal guys are, well, normal and douche bags sport straight-brimmed trucker hats and put rims on their Ford Festiva. It's not exactly percentages and algorithms I'm talking about here.
But every once in a while the human equivalent of HIV is able to infect a woman's life. He smooth talks his way into her panties and before she knows what's happening to her he has his own key to her apartment and is choking the life out of her with his purple wife beater. I've seen it happen a hundred times and it never gets any less sad.
But never fear girls, your humble blogger is here to offer up a few ways in which you can protect yourself. Think if it as rape prevention for your soul.
The 20 signs you're dating a big, flapping douche bag -- once again with visual aids -- are:
20. He spends more time having mental sex with himself than having physical sex with you.
19. He takes more bubble baths than you and thinks he's Tony Montana from Scarface.
18. He's more proud of his ridiculous tattoos than he is of you. He also has tattoos in the most feminine spots but will invariably become angry if anyone points them out.
17. You're dating this guy.
16. He constantly reminds you of how much ass he got before he met you, the size and shape of said ass and how many one-night stands he had.
15. When you go out he makes you pay for everything because he "forgot his wallet" or some other lame ass excuse for not picking up the tab. Either that or he simply refuses to pay because "that's the way it should be."
14. His mother still gives him money, does his laundry or pays his bills. She also swoons over him like he's still a child and still calls him by his childhood nickname. He, in turn, thinks his mother is an idiot and he talks shit about her behind her back.
13. He incessantly points out other hot women to you and brags how easy they'd be for him to fuck.
12. He insists on reminding you of how tough he is yet he shrieks like a girl at the sight of spiders, snakes or any other form of creepy-crawly. I recommend putting a snake inside his pillow, but make sure you catch his reaction on camera.
11. Anyone not like him is considered "a fag" or "gay."
10. He still talks to his skanky ex-girlfriend because they have "been through a lot" and any time you bring her up he flips it around and accuses you of cheating on him.
9. He threatens to kick any guy's ass seen talking to you, looking at you or smiling in your general direction. He'll also threaten to kick your ass if you make light if his maladjusted nonsense.
8. He has a 10-year-old's sense of humor and anyone not in sync with his childish antics is either "a fag" or "gay."
7. He thinks all the UFC fighters are "pussies" but the mere sight of blood on TV makes him nauseous. Test this yourself by confronting him with a used tampon.
6. He gets obnoxiously drunk when you go to the bar, gets manhandled by the bouncers for insulting the waitress and then blames you for not cutting him off.
5. He fancies himself a hard ass but threatens to kill himself if you ever leave him. This you should do immediately in an effort to rid the world of one more walking canker sore.
4. He corrects everything you do but blames his own shortcomings on someone or something else. You can test this on your own by buying a new shelf or computer desk and asking him to put it together. Make sure you're out of range when the inevitable object-chucking tantrum begins.
3. He belittles your hobbies and interests or anything else not directly involving him. If you do involve him in one of your hobbies and he's too fucking stupid to get it right then he'll immediately say that it's "gay."
2. Everything he has ever accomplished is greatly exaggerated and everything you've ever accomplished is considered inferior. He'll also have a story to top any you tell and thinks everything he does is unique. In short he's a total fucking tool.
And the number one sign you're dating a big, flapping douche bag is:
1. He puts his hands on you in a physical manner at any time. Ever. If he ever does hit you then you should feel no compunction with grabbing a pair of scissors and removing his tiny little balls from his body while he sleeps.