Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The 5 Biggest Douche Bags In the Animal Kingdom

There are countless people and organizations out there whose sole purpose for being is to protect and preserve the rights of animals all over the world. PETA. National Geographic. The ASPCA. Michael Jackson before he moonwalked into the afterlife.

The list is literally as long as a giraffe's gullet, and for the most part all of these groups are right on the money. Animals should be protected from the veritable cornucopia of douche bags who "hunt" them with a never-ending array of military-style weaponry. You know, because it's a sport.

But regardless of all the effort and care these groups put into ensuring said animals live a long and fruitful life, some of our furry friends simply don't appreciate the help man offers them.

Like these five fuckers.

5. The Kangaroo

The word "kangaroo" is a general term lobbed around to describe 63 living species of loping, hopping marsupial. There's the Red Kangaroo -- the largest living marsupial anywhere in the world -- the Antilopine Kangaroo, and the Eastern and Western Kangaroo. And you know what? They're all dicks.

Male kangaroos will frequently "box" with each other when they get bored or in an effort to impress prospective mates, so think of them as the animal equivalent of every drunken jackass to ever put on a wifebeater. They can punch and grapple with their opponent with their stubby little arms, but the real danger lies in the staggering amount of hurt they can produce by disemboweling whatever happens to be standing in front of them. That's right; kangaroos can literally kick the shit out of you.

But not content to simply MMA your ass to death, kangaroos also seem to enjoy engaging in behavior usually reserved for the most asinine of human beings. Like this for example:

Or this:

And even this:

And lest you think you can run away from Jumpin' Jack Ass kangaroos are capable of bouncing at a top speed of 44 mph, so unless you're fucking Usain Bolt your chances of getting away are about as slim as Lindsay Lohan.

4. The Spider Monkey

Although small -- the largest male spider monkey weighs in at a whopping 24 pounds, with the largest female tipping the scale at 21 pounds -- these diminutive dickheads can pack a mean punch. If they even see a human approaching they're apt to bark like a dog, vigorously shake the tree they happen to be lounging in or twist its branches off and play Whac-A-Man with your head. If none of that works -- or if you're too stupid to take the hint -- the spider monkey will simply piss and/or shit in your general direction. Nothing says get the fuck away from me quite like getting tagged with a gob of monkey ass Spackle. And as if that wasn't enough it's all topped off by the fact that spider monkeys are considered to be the most intelligent New World monkey.

But they don't just just lob poo and shake trees; the little pricks seem to actually enjoy fucking with people and other animals. Like these brave bastards:

Or this guy:

3. The Lion

Ah, the lion. He's noble, majestic and a total fucking asshole. Why? Take this for example:

A lion is walking across a savanna, looking for food or a place to kick back, when he spots a sexy lioness. He thinks to himself "you know, I'd really like to get a piece of that," and in typical douche bag fashion he swaggers over and tries to bully his way into her vagina. Yes, lions really do that, and although it might be considered a total dick move no one is going to argue with a 500 lb. cat capable of using your head as a nip ball. But what if the lady lion isn't in the mood because, say, she's got a bunch of baby lions to take care of? Well that's when the big mean lion will maul the little bastards to death in order to better rape the shit out their mother.

EDIT: There's actually a video of this but I thought it was a bit too violent to post. If you really want to see what happens when a lion gets his paws on some cubs simply type in "lion killing cubs" into the YouTube search bar and have a blast.

And just as an added bonus a lion's dong is covered with hundreds of tiny barbs that literally dig into the female's naughty bits as he pulls out. You know that annoying mewling and hissing those cats make outside your window at three in the morning? Yeah, it sounds like that, only coming from a fucking lion.

If that doesn't qualify as a douche bag I don't know what does.

2. The Bottlenose Dolphin

Dolphins, for the most part, are an intelligent and gentle species. When they aren't rescuing swimmers from man-eating sharks and entertaining feeble humans with their ball balancing skills, they use marine sponges to help protect themselves when they're foraging for food on the sea bottom and generally making most human beings seem inferior by comparison.

Then, when they get really bored, they engage in the kind of behavior that earns certain humans 20-to-life: Killing for the fun of it.

That's right boys and girls, Flipper is a murderer. Bottlenose dolphins will attack other dolphins, baby dolphins and pretty much any other water-bound creature if it feels compelled to do so, and they do it by using their sonar to zero in on the most vital organs and then ramming the fuck out of its victim with their bulbous heads.

Much like lions male dolphins will engage in infanticide in order to get a piece of mom, but scientists have also observed the mothers themselves sending their offspring to a watery grave, pretty much blowing the "they kill in order to reproduce" theory out of the, uh, water.

Dolphins have also been filmed killing porpoises, which some researchers believe is due to both species competing for the same diminishing food supply. Other researchers think it's just because dolphins are assholes.

And much like humans dolphins like to fuck. A lot. Other dolphins, humans.





1. The Chimpanzee

Chimpanzees are man's closest relatives, sharing 95% of our genes. They can use sign language to indicate how they're feeling, problem solve in order complete complex tasks and, if you believe Tim Burton, are hell bent on taking over the world.

Chimps are so much like us in fact that they occasionally do this horrid shit to people for no apparent reason:

Chimps will also catch, brutally kill and fucking eat baby chimps because, well, they have nothing better to do.

Two words friends: Douche bags.

No comments:

Post a Comment