Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Silly Mascot Tries to Dunk Off An Exercise Ball

So I got a Wii the other day, and for the first time since I was a fucking kid I'm actually excited about something other than the various sexual positions I can fold my girlfriend into. I got a refurbished console because I'm a cheap bastard, but to tell you the truth it works just as well as a brand new one and it cost me about $50 less. The joint where I bought it also had a promotion going on where I got a free game if I bought two, so I jumped on that shit as well. All together I spent about $200 for everything, and I've literally been playing that god damn thing for hours on end. My muscles are so sore I feel like I've been repeatedly pelted with a bat and my brain has been subjected to such a never-ending tidal wave of light and sound that the various characters and their respective anomalies -- why I have legs while bowling and everyone around me doesn't is beyond me, so fuck you Nintendo -- are now permanently burned into my retinas. According to the aforementioned girlfriend my body also spasms involuntarily when I fall asleep, and although I have no recollection of what I might be dreaming about I have a sneaking suspicion that it involves the disembodied voices emanating from inside my Wii.

So thanks Nintendo. Thanks for making a game that not only gets people up off their fat asses -- I'm looking at you Wii Fit players -- but one that makes the prospect of shattering your television screen a hazard one is prepared to deal with. I also personally love the idea that while we're dislocating our shoulders and throwing our arms out of their sockets we're getting a better workout than we would be if we were playing games on one of those other consoles. So thanks again Nintendo, you guys are the shit. I can't move, I can't see straight and my gray matter feels like hardened oat meal. But it was fun.

My ER bill is in the mail.

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