Monday, January 18, 2010

Half a Brain Leads To Less of the Same

When I woke up this morning I had this overwhelming sense of something not quite right. That ever happen to you? I didn't want to get out of bed for fear of what I might find, but after some deep soul searching and a post-REM fart -- think of the reminder you get when your cell phone battery is dying and you have it on vibrate and you'll get a pretty good idea -- I swung my legs onto the floor and made my way into the kitchen.

Nothing out of place there.

I turned on the coffee pot and slowly shuffled into the bathroom, where I evacuated the contents of my bladder and let fly with some more bleating ass music. Strange, nothing out of whack in there either.

As I stood there in the bathroom, wondering just what the hell the day had in store for me, I heard a soft pitter-patter on the floor and turned just in time to see a gremlin. I know right! I was shocked as well.

"Excuse me sir," the Gremlin said to me with a look of what could have been disdain on his face, "but I could really use a hand."

"Uh, a hand with what?" I asked incredulously. The fact that there was a tiny mythical monster standing in my fucking bathroom apparently hadn't quite sunk in.

"Well, you see," he began. "I'm having a bit of trouble."

I knew it was a "he" because the thing was hung like Sea Biscuit, which was only brought to my attention after he started frantically pulling down his pants.

"Wow, you're hung like Sea Biscuit," I said.

The gremlin winked at me -- which at the time I took as a slight come-on -- and motioned for me to bend down to his level. After some slight trepidation I relented, mostly because I figured that if it was going to try to rape me at the very least I'd have a kick ass story to tell.

"Listen man, I'm going to level with you. I really have to take a shit, but considering I'm only a foot tall and my arms are disproportionate to the rest of my body I can't quite reach the toilet. So, as I said before, I need a hand."

It was at this point that I remembered I had turned on the coffee pot but due to the fog of sleep I had completely forgotten to add the water. Or coffee grounds.

"Shiiiit," I grumbled to myself.

"That's the idea," said the gremlin. He was starting to look a little green.

I rushed to the kitchen again, quickly added water and two-and-a-half scoops of grounds, and skipped back to the bathroom humming the theme song to The A-Team.

No gremlin.

I searched high and low for that little bastard, spun like a dog chasing its tail, and after a few minutes of that came to the conclusion that my new friend was simply a figment of my imagination.

"Weird," I said to no one and flushed the toilet.

Then again, now that I think of it. . .


  1. its easy to be positive, but really, what douche bag is uploading these videos. that joke was a waste of time. and this extire chanel is full of cock sucking dick humpers

  2. This uneducated jackass above me is just mad he can't read. The owner of this blog is an awesome writer and the videos are just as awesome.

    And what exactly is a "cock sucking dick humper?"

    Seriously, what a fag.