Just Because: Country Breakfast Getting a Country Beatdown

Question: What happens when a (used-to-be) unstoppable force meets an highly motivated and totally fucking psyched immovable object? The former gets the shit kicked out of him in :21, sees his hopes and dreams of some day holding a UFC title again completely destroyed and wakes up in front of thousands of people and asks, quite simply, "What happened?"

Ah, the sweet smell of humility.

The best GIF you'll ever lay your eyes on is after the jump. War Penn.

Eye Candy: Rumor WIllis' Big Ass In Tights

You know, as busted as this broad's face is I have to say that her ass stuffed into those tights has my ding-dong going all action-adventure while shouting "Yippee Ki-Yay Motherfucker!" And for those trying to paint a mental picture of my man-junk going action-adventure inside my pants, think the opening explosion in Die Hard With a Vengeance and you're about halfway there. Either that or stop thinking about my package all together. Freak.

For the rest of the series click here, and marvel at how an ass that scrumptious can belong on a body that also houses such an incongruous gob.

Lindsey Vonn Has the "Instinct" For Smokin' Hot Magazine Shoots

Most of you know Lindsey Vonn as the first American woman to win the gold medal in the downhill at the 2010 Winter Olympics (and if you didn't before you do now, ya knucklehead). Some of you might also know her as the girl that broke your heart, but that was back in high school when you were all awkward and didn't know how to talk to girls. Seriously dude, don't blame yourself.

Well thanks to ESPN The Magazine after today you'll also know Little Miss Vonn as the girl who took Sharon Stone's iconic role in Basic Instinct, wrapped it in a dynamite coat, blew it the fuck up and then stomped all over the resulting carnage. And yes, she even shows us the money shot (albeit inadvertently and while wearing some pretty white panties).

Super-duper sexy behind-the-scenes video with said panty shot is after the jump, and please do everyone a favor and try not to get any on yourself. Pervert.

Eye Candy: Aida Yespica Topless On the Beach

According to Aida Yespica's Wiki page this yummy looking tart began her career (read: started making an obscene amount of money off mom and dad's genes) representing the state of Amazonas in the Miss Venezuela pageant back in 2002. She then went on to achieve cover girl status for mags like GQ and Maxim, but all of that shit pales in comparison to her appearance on the Italian version of Celebrity Survivor.

But fuck it, you don't care about any of that. You want to see some boobage, which you can find after the jump. Obviously these shots are totally NSFW.

Julie Bowen's Twins Are Hungry; Why Not Post It On the Internet

I'm torn between being jealous of a couple of boob suckers and being a little disgusted that this broad felt the need to post this shit on the Internet. I'd actually be pissed if this wasn't such a blatant attempt at garnering some e-attention (or ettention; go ahead and use it on your friends). Nice rack though. Kind of NSFW image after the hump. . .I mean jump.

Later, War Machine

The uber-douche known around the MMA world as War Machine -- that's his real name by the way; he had it legally changed from Jon Koppenhaver -- is going to be kicking back for about a year in the county jail for his involvement in the above video, and all I can say about that is: It's not enough time.

This guy is beyond a menace, and were it not for the fact that he's a trained mixed martial artist his entire existence would be about as useful as your fucking appendix. He was kicked out of the UFC for talking shit about the death of fellow UFC fighter Evan Tanner, he tried his, uh, hand in the porn business before attacking his fellow porn "actors" during a party, and got arrested on another occasion for his involvement in a brawl inside a gay nightclub. Yeah, he's a total fucking tool.

Said Machine -- Christ, I can barely bring myself to type that -- on his Twitter feed about his time off from life:

"Weak! Looks like Ill be doing a year in San Diego County jail. Prolly gonna go in about 2 weeks..ugh. Gonna be SO boring! No delicious food, no training, no wifee, no friends. Whatever tho when I get out my partners and I will be opening our sick gym in Austin Texas and Ill be righ back to fighting. Jail is DUMB. All it does is press the PAUSE button on your life. What's it supposed to teach you? Anyway, who knows some bad ass books I should read!?"

So what's this guy's deal? Is it because he didn't get enough hugs as a child? Does he have some chemical imbalance in his brain that causes him to act out in totally inappropriate manners? Or is it because a chimp mistook his head for a football and tried to fuck it?

Who knows, and honestly who cares? Get rid of this jackass before he does something that can't be undone. One year for being a savage? And to think there are people serving more time than that for selling a plant that makes you feel good.

Amy Winehouse Is a Filthy-Looking Bitch. . .

. . .but I bet she gives some killer gob. I mean come on, look at her. No girl can look that fucking horrifying without compensating with some hidden talent or another, and considering she's been pricked (tee-hee) with more needles than a pin cushion her box is probably dryer than the Sahara. Banging that shit would be like beating off with 10-grit sandpaper.

Eye Candy: More Kim Kardashian Bikini Goodness (Now With Ass Crack!)

Eye Candy: Kim Kardashian In a Bikini

This broad is Paris Hilton with tits, but as long as she kept her mouth shut and was up for all manner of sexually deviant behavior -- for some reason donkey punch comes to mind -- then she'd be allowed to sleep in my room.

On the floor of course, but I'd be a gentleman and let her use a pillow.

Eye Candy: Kate Gosselin's Yummy Milk Bags

She may dance like an epileptic giraffe and makes a shit-ton of money by generally being a nuisance, but I'll be dipped in shit and set on fire if this woman doesn't have one of the most luscious racks this side of Lindsay Lohan. Go ahead, lie your ass off and say you wouldn't.

Eye Candy: Sophie Monk All Kinds of Nip-Tastic

In my next life I want to be a bikini. But not one that belong to a fatty. Fatties are gross.

Eye Candy: Victoria Silvstedt In a Skimpy Bikini

Victoria Silvstedt is yummy. So is her friend. That is all.

Eye Candy: Vida Guerra's Birthday Rack

She's a butterface in the classic sense of the word, but with a set like that does it really matter?

I mean pillow cases aren't just for pillows if you know what I mean.

Eye Candy: Looking Down On Hayden Panettiere

Her brand of acting makes Jennifer Aniston look like an Oscar contender, but you have to give Hayden Panettiere credit: She pulls off that dwarf-with-a-nice-rack thing quite well.