Julie Bowen's Twins Are Hungry; Why Not Post It On the Internet

I'm torn between being jealous of a couple of boob suckers and being a little disgusted that this broad felt the need to post this shit on the Internet. I'd actually be pissed if this wasn't such a blatant attempt at garnering some e-attention (or ettention; go ahead and use it on your friends). Nice rack though. Kind of NSFW image after the hump. . .I mean jump.

Ho-Ho-Holy Shit, How Did I Wake Up With My Pants Down?

Jesus Harold Christ, can you believe Christmas is right around the corner? It seems like just yesterday I was snapping shots of unsuspecting women sunbathing in their backyards. My, how time flies.

(NOTE: If you're ever in a position where you think getting just a little bit closer to a half-conscious, half naked girl is worth it to "get a better angle," do yourself a favor and stay put. For some reason hovering over a bikini-clad babe while snapping pictures of her ass is frowned upon by pretty much everyone. Who knew neighborhood watch was a real thing?)

Anyway, here we are once again, when the kids are even more obnoxious and your alcoholic parents make even bigger assholes of themselves. Thanks Budweiser!

And speaking of obnoxious alcoholics, check out the Santa impersonator below. Seems like the ol' Christmas "cheer" was imbibed quite liberally at the North Pole this year. Either that or The Grinch spiked Mr. Claus' eggnog, which, as we all know, The Grinch is apt to do. Last year I caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

At least I think it was him. The Grinch is black right? Video after the jumpety-jump-jump, jumpety-jump.

Later, War Machine

The uber-douche known around the MMA world as War Machine -- that's his real name by the way; he had it legally changed from Jon Koppenhaver -- is going to be kicking back for about a year in the county jail for his involvement in the above video, and all I can say about that is: It's not enough time.

This guy is beyond a menace, and were it not for the fact that he's a trained mixed martial artist his entire existence would be about as useful as your fucking appendix. He was kicked out of the UFC for talking shit about the death of fellow UFC fighter Evan Tanner, he tried his, uh, hand in the porn business before attacking his fellow porn "actors" during a party, and got arrested on another occasion for his involvement in a brawl inside a gay nightclub. Yeah, he's a total fucking tool.

Said Machine -- Christ, I can barely bring myself to type that -- on his Twitter feed about his time off from life:

"Weak! Looks like Ill be doing a year in San Diego County jail. Prolly gonna go in about 2 weeks..ugh. Gonna be SO boring! No delicious food, no training, no wifee, no friends. Whatever tho when I get out my partners and I will be opening our sick gym in Austin Texas and Ill be righ back to fighting. Jail is DUMB. All it does is press the PAUSE button on your life. What's it supposed to teach you? Anyway, who knows some bad ass books I should read!?"

So what's this guy's deal? Is it because he didn't get enough hugs as a child? Does he have some chemical imbalance in his brain that causes him to act out in totally inappropriate manners? Or is it because a chimp mistook his head for a football and tried to fuck it?

Who knows, and honestly who cares? Get rid of this jackass before he does something that can't be undone. One year for being a savage? And to think there are people serving more time than that for selling a plant that makes you feel good.

Giving New Meaning to the Term "Ass Face."

I. Have. No. Words.

And the sad part is these people actually used their fucking brains and came up with the idea. Mankind is doomed.

Skank-A-Saurus Is Attacking the City

*shivers*

This is what haunts my nightmares. At least it will now. Jesus, what a nasty bitch. I bet she wipes her ass back-to-front.

On No He Didn't

Oh yes he did. He even went with the deck shoes to help complete the picture.

I bet he has to beat the women off with a stick.

Sick World

Sadly this doesn't even surprise me anymore.

The White Trash Wonder Is On the Move

You have to love how the woman in pics 5 and 6 actually took time out of her busy day of carting her snotty, over-privileged kids around to catch what in her mind must be the equivalent to a sighting of Big Foot or the Loch Ness Monster.

Seriously lady, if you knew Britney Spears probably wanted nothing more than to see that overpriced lease you're driving plummet to the depths of the ocean with yourself and the aforementioned brats flailing for survival would you still give a shit? I mean come on, she's a human being, and she isn't really a particularly interesting one at that. Sure, she dresses like a blind homeless woman and has a tit job that resembles a googly-eyed kids toy, but take away that ridiculous outfit and the broiling, bubbling psychosis and she's just like you and I.

In other words knock of the nonsense. It's late and there's a PTA meeting eagerly anticipating your arrival.

You Have Got to Be Kidding Me

Some people are undoubtedly going to see this video and feel sorry for this broad. Not I. You see, this ridiculous waste of space did that to herself, so the only ones I feel sorry for are the people who are footing the bill while she sits on her plump ass and collects public assistance. Call me an asshole, call me an uncaring son of a bitch, or call me a piece of shit. But don't, for the love of god, call me to help lift this woman when she keels the fuck over and dies.

Reporter Gets Pissy On Live TV

Technical Difficulties On Live Newscast - Watch more Funny Videos
You know, it really cracks me up when reporters get all bent out of shape. I mean what do they have to be miserable about? They stand in front of a camera and read cue cards ferchrisakes! I would understand if they actually had to do some real work and it didn't exactly come off as planned, but dude in that video above is probably doing his job in a pair of fucking shorts. Try working in a factory Mr. Pissy Pants. Or busting your ass in a warehouse for minimum wage. How about taking care of five unruly kids with no help at all.

Seems to me you have it pretty easy there dickhead, so next time you feel the need to make yourself look like a total jackass -- on live television no less -- why not take a moment and think about all of the hard-working people out there who don't get paid thousands of dollars a week and actually have a reason to throw a temper tantrum.

Stay Classy Baby

Ten bucks to the person that comes up with the best caption for this photo. Seriously.

You Are a Bad, Bad Man

I don't know what the hell is going on in this picture, but rest assured it isn't taking place anywhere in the United States. If it was you can bet your sweet little ass that someone somewhere would have overreacted and placed a phone call or two to their local Fox of CNN affiliate.

Elinor Burkett Is a Mouthy Twat

So here's the setup:

Music by Prudence director Roger Ross Williams was in the middle of accepting his award for best documentary short when Burkett, one of the producers, hobbled onstage and began running her steak gummer about how she's a woman and women don't get enough credit for what they do in this world and her womanly bits were offended because a man stepped all over them and stole her award. Or something. I stopped watching as soon as I realized she was hijacking his speech with another 'women don't get the credit they deserve" rant. Seriously ladies, this is 2010. Are we still stuck in 1950? For fuck sake, you get to vote and all that good stuff. What else do you want?

Religious Nutbags Want Whale Stoned To Death

Every now and then a religious group pops up with something so ridiculous the general public -- read: the people that don't have their heads up their asses -- can't help but take notice. Case in point:

The American Family Association -- otherwise known as those creepy Jesus freaks -- want Tillikum stoned to death right along side the person who didn't stone it to death the first time it killed a human being. Yeah, I rolled my eyes as well. This ridiculous shit was taken from their blog:

"You are aware by now that a 12,000 pound killer whale at SeaWorld Orlando killed his trainer Dawn Brancheau yesterday by pulling her into a pool and dragging her around until she drowned, in front of a crowd of stunned guests.

Chalk another death up to animal rights insanity and to the ongoing failure of the West to take counsel on practical matters from the Scripture.

According to the Orlando Sentinel, "SeaWorld Orlando has always know that Tillikum...could be a particularly dangerous killer whale...because of his ominous history."

The Sentinel then recounts that Tilly, as he was affectionately known, had killed a trainer back in 1991 in front of spectators at a now defunct aquarium in Victoria, British Columbia.

Then in 1999 he killed a man who sneaked into SeaWorld to swim with the whales and was found the next morning draped dead across Tilly's back. His body had been bit and the killer whale had torn off his swimming trunks after he had died.

What about the term "killer whale" do SeaWorld officials not understand?

If the counsel of the Judeo-Christian tradition had been followed, Tillikum would have been put out of everyone's misery back in 1991 and would not have had the opportunity to claim two more human lives.

Says the ancient civil code of Israel, "When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable." (Exodus 21:28)

So, your animal kills somebody, your moral responsibility is to put that animal to death. You have no moral culpability in the death, because you didn't know the animal was going to go postal on somebody.

But, the Scripture soberly warns, if one of your animals kills a second time because you didn't kill it after it claimed its first human victim, this time you die right along with your animal. To use the example from Exodus, if your ox kills a second time, "the ox shall be stoned, and its owner also shall be put to death." (Exodus 21:29)

If I were the family of Dawn Brancheau, I'd sue the pants off SeaWorld for allowing this killer whale to kill again after they were well aware of its violent history.

SeaWorld is apparently, however, unrepentant. Chuck Thompson, its curator in charge of animal behavior, says Tilly continues to be "a valuable asset not only from a breeding standpoint but from a behavior standpoint, too." Chuck might want to ask Dawn's Mom what she thinks about that.

Thompson did add, helpfully, "I think we need to evaluate his behavior and everything that's happened up to this point." You're about 19 years too late, Chuck, and the blood of Dawn Brancheau is on your hands."

What the above nonsense fails to mention is that the dumb ass that wanted to "swim with the whales" actually broke into the enclosure in the middle of the night to swim with an animal he had absolutely no professional training with. The article also doesn't mention that whales are playful animals, and 12,000 pound behemoths just happen to play rough.

If that whale was able to talk I'm positive it would tell everyone that he wasn't being "malicious" or "evil" or any other superfluous adjective people have labeled him with, but was only trying to have some fun with his friends.

Then again maybe -- just maybe -- he didn't like being taken out of his natural habitat and made to do tricks for obnoxious throngs of people in the first place. Hell, if someone came and snatched me away from my home and forced me to do shit I was never intended for in the first place I'd have a bit of an attitude as well.

It was an accident. Accidents happen every day. We don't call for the death of someone when they're not paying attention and run a red light, accidentally killing a family of three. So why kill this animal? Because it's called a killer whale, so it must be a danger to all mankind?

The depths of human stupidity amazes me.

Crazy Prick Gets Stab Happy; No One Steps In To Help

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you exhibit A as to the lengths to which people will go to not have their perfect little lives affected by anything not directly involving them. Here we see some bat-shit crazy Chinaman getting stab-happy on anything with two legs, and as you can clearly see in the video not a single motherfucker steps in to help stop the violence.

This is why my stance on human decency -- or indecency -- hasn't and will never change. People are pieces of shit, and just because we have vocal cords and drive fancy cars doesn't mean we're any different from our club-swinging ancestors.

Eye Candy: Jenni Farley Flaunts Her Rack For Her B-Day

She may be one of the biggest douchettes in the history of everything -- J-Wow? Really? -- but god damn does this broad have a killer rack or what? Now if she'd only forget how to talk we'd be all set.

Tonight On the Trashy and Reckless

Jesus Christ on a ten-speed bike, is this what it's come to? Are people so jaded that the use of firearms -- or in this case the brandishing of firearms -- in the vicinity of the little ones is not only encouraged but captured on camera for posterity? For fuck sake.

Meanwhile when this kid picks up daddy's revolver and puts a moon roof in the back of his own head it will be someone else's fault. The firearms manufacturer perhaps.

So Many Skanks, So Little Time

Here's and easy one:

How many skanky tramps does it take to give you whooping cough and a funny tickle in your nads? One. . .two. . .three. . .

And if any of these club rats belong to you, first let me say I'm sorry. Not for making fun of them -- they do that shit all on their own -- but for not being there for you when you needed it the most. Seriously, someone should have stopped you before you made that plunge.

Mother of the Year This Woman Ain't

First let me just say that if you're easily upset or have a problem watching the depths to which human beings can sink then you might want to give this video a pass. Still here? Okie-dokie, but don't say I didn't warn you.

According to the news wire:

CCTV footage made available to the media yesterday shows the moment a Territory mother is alleged to have thrown her baby on to a concrete footpath.

Yesterday, the NT News told how a Darwin court lifted a suppression order on the film but refused to release it even though it was played in an open court last week.

It is alleged that the footage from the Palmerston bus exchange shows a woman throwing her 10-month-old baby on the ground after her partner left on a bus without her.

The woman - who cannot be named to protect the identity of the baby - pleaded not guilty to recklessly endangering serious harm to the child in Darwin Magistrates Court on Friday.

It is alleged she was drunk and had been arguing with her partner when she threw the baby.

In a police interview played to the court, she said she was "wild" with her partner and wanted to go home when she "dropped" the baby before others she was drinking with tried to take him away from her in May last year. Police found her and arrested her a little later.

Journalists from three media outlets sat in court while the video was played, but it was not until Friday afternoon and the video had been approved to be released that Dr Lowndes made an order suppressing its publication.

He closed the court while submissions were made on the suppression orders, and again when he gave his reasons for the orders.

He also closed the court while a lawyer representing the NT News argued for the orders to be revoked on Monday morning.

On Monday afternoon the NT News was told the footage would not be released.

But yesterday morning - after the story had been published - the video was released for publication and was made available to all media.

The woman's hearing will continue in June.

Now I've seen some pretty nasty business in my 31 years -- from shootouts to murders and everything in between -- but never have I seen such a blatant disregard for human decency and compassion than in the above video. Seriously people, what the fuck is wrong with some of you?

Typically I just take shit in and chalk it up to stupidity or some other form of inbred abnormality, but the woman in the video is neither human nor abnormal. She's a total abomination. If this is the type of thing she does in front of onlookers I can only imagine what passes for punishment in her twisted form of reality. And to plead not guilty with such a glaring contradiction staring her right in the face? Balls my friends. Big, brass balls.

I'll tell you this much; it was a good thing there were people there to stop her, because you can plainly see she was getting ready to spike that poor kid like a football.

Most of the time I'm wont to let the courts sort through their business but I don't think I'm alone in saying the legal process should be thrown out the window in this case and we should all take a few hours off of being calm and rational in order to pick up a rock or five and take aim at her maladjusted head.

Even Paris Hilton's Vag Craves Attention

You know you're an attention whore when pieces of your anatomy are clamoring for some camera time.

On any other human being -- that skank you banged the other night after getting sauced on Jager Bombs included -- this would be somewhat titillating, but on this walking piece of butt lint it just makes me feel bad for whatever poor bastard was standing behind that camera lens.

He'll never see straight again.