"A" For Effort, "F" For Totally Fucking Useless

I know it's been a while since I graced you all with my presence, but between moving for the quadrillionth (?) time in 10 years and teaching indigent septuagenarians how to crochet their own diapers I've been busier than Robert Downey, Jr. at a frat party. Yes, that busy. But alas I have returned to force feed you all with the sort of mindless nonsense you've all come to know and love -- people doing dumb shit and girls dressed in skimpy clothes. Oh yes ladies and gentlemen, it's party time.

Now I know I'm brash sometimes and the words I sling around aren't for everyone, but when you spend as much time as I have being exposed to and ultimately judging the general dumbfuckery going on in this spinning cesspool we call Earth you develop a certain level of disdain for pretty much everyone around you. Hell, even my immediate family isn't safe.

But enough of this getting reacquainted shit. It's time to get down to business, and what better way to kick things off than by watching the following douche bag attempt what can only be described as a bitch move and fail. Miserably. It's good to be back dickheads.

Later, War Machine

The uber-douche known around the MMA world as War Machine -- that's his real name by the way; he had it legally changed from Jon Koppenhaver -- is going to be kicking back for about a year in the county jail for his involvement in the above video, and all I can say about that is: It's not enough time.

This guy is beyond a menace, and were it not for the fact that he's a trained mixed martial artist his entire existence would be about as useful as your fucking appendix. He was kicked out of the UFC for talking shit about the death of fellow UFC fighter Evan Tanner, he tried his, uh, hand in the porn business before attacking his fellow porn "actors" during a party, and got arrested on another occasion for his involvement in a brawl inside a gay nightclub. Yeah, he's a total fucking tool.

Said Machine -- Christ, I can barely bring myself to type that -- on his Twitter feed about his time off from life:

"Weak! Looks like Ill be doing a year in San Diego County jail. Prolly gonna go in about 2 weeks..ugh. Gonna be SO boring! No delicious food, no training, no wifee, no friends. Whatever tho when I get out my partners and I will be opening our sick gym in Austin Texas and Ill be righ back to fighting. Jail is DUMB. All it does is press the PAUSE button on your life. What's it supposed to teach you? Anyway, who knows some bad ass books I should read!?"

So what's this guy's deal? Is it because he didn't get enough hugs as a child? Does he have some chemical imbalance in his brain that causes him to act out in totally inappropriate manners? Or is it because a chimp mistook his head for a football and tried to fuck it?

Who knows, and honestly who cares? Get rid of this jackass before he does something that can't be undone. One year for being a savage? And to think there are people serving more time than that for selling a plant that makes you feel good.

I "Saw" a Big, Flapping Douche Bag

Jesus Christ on a ten-speed. . .uh, tricycle. Not only did this dickhead spoof one of the lamest horror movie franchises to ever come burping out of Hollywood's gaping maw but he clearly let one of his "friends" get to that thing before he did.

That shit had "preconceived setup" written all over it.

Stanley Cup Parade Turns Into Grand Theft Auto

First and foremost let me just preface this by saying I live in Michigan and am a fervent Red Wings fan, so fuck Chicago. Seriously, right in their collective asses. You better live it up now, because you have another four decades or so to wait for another one.

With that being said what you're looking at above is the Stanley Cup parade all the bandwagon jumpers skipped work to attend. It's all party-hardy and revelry until the boys in blue decide policing drunk and disorderly Chicagoans just isn't enough fun and take to mowing them down on All Terrain Vehicles. The kicker? In all the excitement one overzealous oinker plows into one of his own.

Man -- or in this case woman -- down. What a fucking idiot.

Fatty Can't Fly

I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the SPLAT!

50-Year-Old Man Pisses On Live Wire; Meets His Maker

Being a man -- and an awesome one at that -- I've pissed on my share of inanimate objects. From the sides of buildings to gas pumps and everything in between there really aren't too many things that haven't been doused by my DNA. One thing I've never peed on? A live wire. Roy Messenger? Not so lucky. Have a gander:

"Authorities in Washington have confirmed the death of a man who was accidentally killed when he urinated on a downed power line after a car crash.

50-year-old Roy Messenger was not seriously hurt in the crash when he collided with the power pole and his car rolled into a ditch.

While he was waiting for a relative to arrive to pull his car from the ditch, Mr Messenger was electrocuted when he apparently urinated without observing the live wire which had fallen.

According to officials, the urine stream served as a conductor, allowing the electricity to kill him.

Pre-autopsy reports said burn marks had indicated how the electricity had traveled through Messenger's body."

Now I don't know about you but I'm pretty sure Mr. Messenger pissed someone off during his 50 years, otherwise the man upstairs wouldn't have allowed him to suffer such a horribly shocking death. Messenger? He is now.

Mother of the Year This Woman Ain't

First let me just say that if you're easily upset or have a problem watching the depths to which human beings can sink then you might want to give this video a pass. Still here? Okie-dokie, but don't say I didn't warn you.

According to the news wire:

CCTV footage made available to the media yesterday shows the moment a Territory mother is alleged to have thrown her baby on to a concrete footpath.

Yesterday, the NT News told how a Darwin court lifted a suppression order on the film but refused to release it even though it was played in an open court last week.

It is alleged that the footage from the Palmerston bus exchange shows a woman throwing her 10-month-old baby on the ground after her partner left on a bus without her.

The woman - who cannot be named to protect the identity of the baby - pleaded not guilty to recklessly endangering serious harm to the child in Darwin Magistrates Court on Friday.

It is alleged she was drunk and had been arguing with her partner when she threw the baby.

In a police interview played to the court, she said she was "wild" with her partner and wanted to go home when she "dropped" the baby before others she was drinking with tried to take him away from her in May last year. Police found her and arrested her a little later.

Journalists from three media outlets sat in court while the video was played, but it was not until Friday afternoon and the video had been approved to be released that Dr Lowndes made an order suppressing its publication.

He closed the court while submissions were made on the suppression orders, and again when he gave his reasons for the orders.

He also closed the court while a lawyer representing the NT News argued for the orders to be revoked on Monday morning.

On Monday afternoon the NT News was told the footage would not be released.

But yesterday morning - after the story had been published - the video was released for publication and was made available to all media.

The woman's hearing will continue in June.

Now I've seen some pretty nasty business in my 31 years -- from shootouts to murders and everything in between -- but never have I seen such a blatant disregard for human decency and compassion than in the above video. Seriously people, what the fuck is wrong with some of you?

Typically I just take shit in and chalk it up to stupidity or some other form of inbred abnormality, but the woman in the video is neither human nor abnormal. She's a total abomination. If this is the type of thing she does in front of onlookers I can only imagine what passes for punishment in her twisted form of reality. And to plead not guilty with such a glaring contradiction staring her right in the face? Balls my friends. Big, brass balls.

I'll tell you this much; it was a good thing there were people there to stop her, because you can plainly see she was getting ready to spike that poor kid like a football.

Most of the time I'm wont to let the courts sort through their business but I don't think I'm alone in saying the legal process should be thrown out the window in this case and we should all take a few hours off of being calm and rational in order to pick up a rock or five and take aim at her maladjusted head.

High School Kids' Choice In Attire Is Blatant Slap In the Face

This tasteless bit of 9/11 nonsense has landed 9 juniors from Edsel Ford High School in Dearborn, Michigan on the principal's shit list. Ironically this is the same high school yours truly graduated from. Go figure. From Fox News:

At least nine Detroit area high school juniors are in trouble for wearing sweat shirts bearing a design that evokes the terrorist attacks that destroyed the World Trade Center's Twin Towers.

Dearborn Public Schools spokesman David Mustonen has told The Detroit News and Detroit Free Press that the shirts the boys wore to Edsel Ford High School on Monday are "offensive" and in "poor taste."

The boys are Arab-American, as are about half the school's 1,700 students.

They belong to the 2011 class. On the shirts, the number 11 resembles two buildings, with the school's "Thunderbird" mascot flying toward them. Printed beneath the image are the words, "You can't bring us down."

The boys are to meet with school officials but suspensions are not planned.

Now I don't know how things are these days, but when I was walking the halls of that high school the vast majority -- much more than the reported 1,700 students -- were of the Arab persuasion. Most of them were also straight off the boat and could speak very little English, and what English they could speak was usually insults and other derogatory terms.

They held a strong disdain for the United States and for Michigan in particular, but that didn't stop them from exploiting our laws and taking advantage of our educational system.

And I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking "what's so bad about a sweater like that? In reality they're paying homage to the thousands that died that day while touting the strength and stability of their high school."

To which I respond: That's bullshit. They are clearly -- and immaturely I might add -- attempting to cause a stir by wearing something they know will get a reaction from people. They don't give a shit about what happened in New York any more than they give a shit about the gobs of money spent every year keeping their families fed and sheltered.

Fuck 'em in the ear I say, and the next time any of them pull some ridiculous shit like this promptly show them the door.

To the school is a start; to the country they so openly disparage would be better.

Just Because: What a 5-Round Beat Down Looks Like

For those of you not up on the MMA game this is what lightweight challenger and consummate douche bag Diego Sanchez looked like after getting absolutely destroyed by BJ Penn on Saturday night. It was one of the most lopsided matches in mixed martial arts history, and no amount of positive thinking could change that fact.

Hey Diego, nice vagina. No, I mean the one on your forehead. Yes!

Just Because: Image Dump

Sneaky Bastard Gets a Lesson In Instant Karma

I love this video. Seriously, I've watched this bad boy about six times and have pumped my fist each time that sneaky little fucker falls on his ass. And do you know what the best part is? The kid who was the intended target actually tries to lend the little weasel a helping hand. I don't know what's being said but I imagine it goes something like this:

Sneaky Douche Bag: "Fuck, I just broke my shit."

Intended Victim: "Relax Nikolai, you drink Vodka, get strong and we try again. No more jumping."

Twilight Douche Bags Receive Surprise "Intervention"

I'm usually not one to poke fun at other people's taste in movies -- I thought Mean Girls as a film was a fucking riot, but I have to admit that a pre-coke whorish Lindsay Lohan prancing around in titty-hugging duds upped the enjoyment exponentially -- but the constant overabundance of Twilight hullabaloo is enough to make even the most ardent vampire lover take to wearing garlic around their neck.

Except these goofballs.

Watch in amazement as they initially shame themselves over what they think is a free screening of New Moon and then point and laugh when it turns out to be anything but. My personal favorite is when little Ms. Monday -- she's the one who initially thought the beginning of her week was going to be "typical" and "horrible" -- demands to speak to the person responsible for renting the movie theater to screen the film that one reviewer said was "cheesy, poorly focused and features borderline awful dialogue and performances."

Suck it up honey and take it like an adult. It's not like you paid at the door to be made to look like a fucking fool. You willingly did that all by yourself and didn't have to spend a dime. And you did it in front of a camera no less.

Vamps have nothing on that bite in the ass.

Oblivious Man Gets Plowed After Nasty Accident

I've heard conflicting stories regarding the fate of what has to be the most oblivious bastard on the face of the earth, ranging from he walked away relatively unscathed because the dent caused by the PT Cruiser left just enough room for the other vehicle to roll right over him to he got crushed like a grape under the weight of the rolling SUV. Let's all hope for the former.

If he did in fact escape with all limbs still attached -- or at the very least his fucking life -- after such a horrendous accident he would have been doing himself a huge favor in the future by walking with his head up and buying as many lottery tickets as his salary would allow.

Oh, and a change of undies.

Mother of the Year Candidate

Why people aren't required to earn a license in parenting before shitting out a litter of kids is beyond me. I mean we need a license to drive, we need a license to catch fish and we need a license to build a fucking fence on our own property. Scumbags breeding and further burdening our ever-deteriorating public assistance programs? Nope, feel free.

And while you're at it feel free to neglect the shit out of your kids to the point that they need psychological counseling by the age of 5 and grow up to start the cycle all over again.

Unreal.

Heckler Gets Verbally Raped by Comedian

Note to douche bag hecklers everywhere: If you're at a comedy show and insist on talking shit from the audience do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to be suckered into a verbal pissing contest. Seriously, if a comedian invites you on stage you've already lost, so do yourself a favor and shut your mouth. Otherwise you're going to end up looking like a total fucking jackass in front of the skank you're trying to bang that night and the video of you taking a lingual dong in your butt is going to haunt you for the rest of your life.

Bottom line: No ass, a battered ego and the kind of shame usually reserved for politicians and David Hasselhoff.

Noisy Broads Fall Off the Back of a Truck

You know, call me crazy, but I'd be willing to bet the driver of that truck saw those girls wailing like hyenas and in a twisted attempt at self-gratification mashed the fuck out of the gas pedal on purpose. Of course he or she would never admit it, but that shit had L-A-U-N-C-H written all over it.

Also, if you watch close you can see the bigger one's shoe actually catapults skyward, cranking the giggle factor of this clip up just a bit more.

Another Shit Talking Bully Gets Handled

Listen tough guys, we need to have a man-to-man. If you're going to get in someone's face and talk shit please, for the love of Christ, learn how to handle yourselves. I mean come on, any time you start a fight and end up crawling away with your tail tucked between your legs it's time to seriously reconsider your stance on karate lessons. Either that or, you know, stop being such fucking douche bags and starting fights to begin with.

Or not. The videos of you getting embarrassed are just too great.

NOTE: It takes a minute to get going, but trust me when I say the payoff is totally worth it. Go make a drink and come on back.

Douche Bag Bully Gets His Ass Handed To Him

Kid Teaches Shirtless Bully a Lesson - Watch more Funny Videos
Note to sack-pulling bullies everywhere: If you find yourself on the losing end of a fight you started it might be time to remove the Bad Ass badge you awarded to yourself after you "beat up" little Mikey in third grade. Seriously, because you're a pussy now.

And just as an aside I wonder if dude is still copping hand jobs from that little blonde after a performance like that. I'd say he's pulling his own pud as we speak and using his tears of shame as lube.

Beach, Meet Stupid

Dude Fails At Impressing Chicks - Watch more Funny Videos
Were it not for the fact that I'd inevitably have to get up to use the bathroom -- not to mention let my pet monkey Chi-Chi out of his cage -- I could literally sit here all day and watch this choad use the beach to slap the stupid off his own face. Instant karma is usually a motherfucker, but sometimes it's a motherfucker with a nice rack wearing a tight t-shirt and drunk on Jager bombs.

In other words it's fun to look at.